Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

You did what I did. Tried to marry someone not like your father and married someone just like him. The red flags didn’t show in his behaviour as that was normal to you, even if you didn’t like it. It was still in your range of normal. You need to be aware of this for your daughter. She is his model of manhood. And your son’s.

I did think possibly autistic when I read your thread. My Ex was critical and shaming of the kids but had no insight into this at all. We had a social services preventative worker who tried to work with him. She was excellent, and he had input from the autistic service too. For a very long time. . There were small improvements, which for him were huge, but in terms of impact of his behaviour on us, he was still a hugely negative influence.

I don’t have cheery news. It is very, very hard for autistic men to learn and change and even harder for them to maintain this. Even one woman who used to post about how her husband had changed came back after a couple of years to say he had reverted to type. It’s a cognitive disability. They are hard wired to think and understand in set patterns and if they have poor empathy, that is hard wired too.

i had many conversations with Ex that seemed to go well only for nothing to change or very short term change.

My honest advice would be to leave. Children love even abusive parents. Don’t destroy yourself trying to make things work and seeing him harm them. Give them a secure emotionally safe home with you.

Saying boarding doesn't damage a child is like saying beating them does no harm, many many will say "never did me any harm"- so being singled out humiliated and physically hurt by an adult that is responsible for does no harm??? How would you know unless you had 2 identical children beat and not the other?

I know what is meant by 'unconditional love'. I love my children unconditionally, although I can dislike their behaviours. But I have never loved a partner unconditionally and I don't know anyone who has. Perhaps you are expecting too much of your husband.

Hard relate. You are on the money.

Also @mrsgumpy - what happens (if ever) your DH does lose emotional control? Mine can't seem to process his own emotions like an adult - so will occasionally over-react to things entirely and then be unable to explain himself.

Wanted to echo previous poster @Realdealstuff thank you all for insightful thought provoking posts.

My DH and his brother were from a farm family of 5. Animals rather than crops. Both sent to live with elderly unmarried or widowed relatives near by at age 16 or so…”high school” in the USA. In exchange for this their father inherited the land owned by these elder relatives who had no heirs. It had absolutely impacted by DH and his relationship with his siblings and father. This has generated generational wealth due to the land value so of course it’s hard to criticize “the old man’s thinking”. I see so many of the traits discussed here in DH who is a generous kind man ( and not father to my DC) but definetly has some emotional roadblocks and behaviors I haven’t ever been able to get thru or around and he’s very very defensive when I try to talk with him about any behavior I don’t like or agree with.

The times that he completely overreacts is when I try to challenge the way he does certain things around the house (see my thread about feeding the cat). He has complete meltdowns. He is obsessed with order and not being wasteful.

In terms of relationship interactions/challenges that might require him to be emotionally engaged (I also have a thread about an unplanned pregnancy), he just completely absences himself either physically or emotionally/mentally (so he will be physically present but obsessive cleaning or working in the office). He basically has no deep or meaningful relationship with his parents. Neither he nor I would go to them if we were in difficulties. They are currently having their own issues as they age and he seems to be completely unconcerned. I worry about them more than he does.

I see more and more ads popping up for boarding schools on SM like Insta - lots of behind the scenes, a morning at blah blah House - involving filming what seem to me to be very young children promoting the school and its astonishing to me that people
are still sending their children to this institutions.
I don’t care how polished their shoes are, how cute they look in felt and corduroy jackets, or muddy ruggers kit - their days are being filled with endless activities to help them forget that they’re away from people who actually love them.

Boarding school is institutional care for rich people

Look at studies about attachment / children in foster care and boarding school syndrome makes so much more sense