Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

@boardingschoolwife at nearly 60 i’m still dealing with the consequences of boarding school from a very young age, am also married to someone who went to BS…we have had a long and happy marriage but share certain traits of avoidant attachment, however we understand each others faults and challenges as well as the many good points…your husband does not sound as if he has any insight? We have both had challenges with parenting but, again, as we know what the pain is of growing up without a parent involved on a daily basis, we have tried very hard to make a good relationship with our children. If your husband has no insight then he may not have the capacity to notice your needs…how do his parents get on with each other, is he from the sort of family where BS was the norm? People are generally attracted to those who chime with their imprint pattern of attachment so you have to understand what YOU need to change ,whether that’s seeking counselling on your own then asking him to come to marriage counselling….we can’t make our partners change unless they are willing to do so!

We must be talking about the same person. Well done to you to make the move!

Hi, thank you. His parents are normal hard working people. They’re not super rich but all DH’s siblings went to BS. They have their own reasons for sending them to BS I suppose, and I have no idea whether this has anything to do with it but I have a feeling both MIL and FIL could be autistic.

Hmm, OP. Look up narcissistic parenting and the theory of black sheep, golden child, and forgotten one. You might find it interesting.

You are describing my DH. Everyone thinks he’s so much fun to hung around with

My FIL went to boarding school age 8. DH had full time Nannies from 2 weeks old with minimal input from either parent after that. Wouldn’t have meals with his parents, wasn’t allowed downstairs in the evenings/after school, would be sent to stay with distant relatives for half term and the entire summer holidays whilst parents stayed in the family home

DH has zero emotional relationship with his siblings or his parents. FIL in particular has no interest in seeing his own grandchildren and easily goes a year not seeing us despite living one hour away.

I really , REALLY resent how emotionally unavailable my husband is sometimes and how ive had to teach him what is , in my opinion anyway, a normal family.

you have my sympathies OP

Jumping in after reading one of your replies to say I also believe my parents in law are both autistic, as is my husband and our son

OP, why would separating mean either taking the DC away from him or you leaving them all? Why would splitting time not be an option?

I agree with others that focusing on Boarding School Syndrome as the root of all the problems is not helpful. It's almost certainly a huge oversimplification but more importantly it isn't directionally actionable. Focus on his behaviors (what he's doing or not doing) and how they're affecting you and the DC, and what you need from him to stay in the relationship.

Criticises how DS eats, how he sits, makes him tell us what he did today and criticises that. “So what did you achieve today?” He asks. “Nothing really” DS replies. Obviously DH gets upset and makes a scene.

If it is NPD then how you’ve described the treatment of your children is very common for NPD parents. The overpraise of one child (often leading to NPD traits in that child) and the devaluing of another (often leading to low self esteem, people pleasing and anxiety). I know you’ve said your children love him, but it sounds like a very damaging situation for them. I had a parent like this and once away from them life was so much more enjoyable and I was able to reflect on how badly they treated others.

I wouldn’t be so sure that the kids adore him and want to be with him. They could just as easily be putting on an act to try to placate him and hopefully avoid him being nasty to them. Kids learn to appease abusers very young out of necessity.

Poor DS must feel as though he can't relax at all and can't do anything right.

I would hate to be asked "what have you achieved today?" as it piles the pressure on and could give rise to feelings of inadequacy. I think your DH needs to be pulled up on that, sharply. It might be connected to going to boarding school, or it might just be an unpleasant part of his character anyway. I'd be beyond furious with my DH if he did that.

What is wrong with a simple "how was your day? followed by a bit of chitchat?

So what happens when you step in and defend your DS?

They all grew up with immense privilege in terms of wealth .. and extreme poverty in terms of love.

That sums up a lot of a certain type of avoidant parenting that was pretty prevalent in many middle to upper class homes.

Some of you have mentioned I might be better off separating from him but the kids love him so much (even DS) they wouldn’t even consider leaving him

Extremely common for children to be very trauma bonded to narcissistic parents.

No, no - you need to get your son away from this man. It’s actually quite normal for children to still love abusive parents, that doesn’t mean they’re not better away from them.

He puts me down. DH was criticising DS for something so I stepped in and said DS tried his best and it was great watching him do xyz DH raised his voice and said “you don’t know anything about xyz, you’ve never tried it yourself have you? Let me talk to him”

How patronising and disrespectful. I really wouldn't put up with being spoken to like that at all and would be telling him so. I wouldn't let him put me down in front of the children. He'd feel the rough side of my tongue and he'd certainly know about it.

I think it sounds like you need to consider getting yourself and DS away from the damage that this self-centred arse is doing. I'd almost be willing to bet that DS doesn't love it at all.

OP very many children grow up in homes that lack love.
You are very ufair in trying to blame boarding schools.

My DH went to boarding school.
Something that really irks me is his attitude to illness. My theory is that it was the only time he was shown love and care, and he has a fully kitted out medical kit. A small graze will need savlon, proper cleaning, plasters/bandage. A cold will need all the medicines, and to be tucked up in bed with hot tea. It really pisses me off. I am sure it is a symptom of being in boarding school.
He also had some very unsavoury encounters that are really quite shocking.
He is very loving though with the kids, its like he compensates and he says he doesnt want their childhood to be like his and is exceptionally invested in every detail of their lives.

Hello!

Running in and out very fast....dropped out of the delusion of boarding a few years ago and now part of a movement that is starting to speak up about the damage of early boarding....

It's a very peculiar British trait that means people believe that putting children into institutions is "the making of them". Outwardly yes - it's an "old boy network", but means it churns out a load of people who have been taught to believe that sympathy merely sits between shit and syphilis in the dictionary. It's also extremely hard to speak out because it's so ingrained in the national psyche, that anyone questioning it immediately gets minimised and undermined.

First of all, check out

https://boardingschoolconcern.uk/

And also, there's free, FREE, resources at this new charity called Seen & Heard. Including stuff for spouses of ex-BS.

https://seenheard.org.uk/

Good luck!

My Dad went to boarding school and I can’t think of a single critical thing he’s said. Always just told us all we could do was our best

The problem with boarding school is that you are in an unsafe environment but there is no way of escaping so you learn to detach emotionally and mentally and form a hard shell in order to protect yourself. I remember consciously doing this at 9 or 10. It can be an effective way of coping and one that people who have been to boarding school and have been treated unkindly often resort to. Sometimes that emotional detachment is the constant default, which can be very hurtful and frustrating for their partners. You also don't fundamentally trust anyone because noone in your environment cares about you at all and, certainly in my day, they are mostly unkind. However, despite this, you are being groomed for upper middle class life. So putting on a good show, good manners, wit, confidence etc are highly prized. As is not showing emotion. The kid who cries in the dorm is the kid who finds their pillow in the toilet or worse. So this is what boarding school.syndrome is basically. Charm and confidence on top and a hard shell covering fear and misery underneath. It sounds like your husband is just a dick though.

I don't think "the kids adore him" is a good enough reason for keeping them in an abusive relationship. I don't think that his past is a good enough reason for staying with him and keeping children in abusive realtionship. I think the issue is how he is behaving NOW and how that is affecting you and the children NOW.

You might also find the recent documentary "Boarding on Insanity" helpful. It's very male-centric but probably useful nonetheless in understanding the impact of BS.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=vLeAj5TiqU4&pp=ygUUYm9hcmRpbmcgb24gaW5zYW5pdHk%3D

Kids are hard-wired to love their parents. They adore him, yes; evolution has made it so - it's the best way that kids can keep themselves safe and survive childhood.

You don't have to adore him though. You are an adult, and your duty is to do the best for those children, and sometimes that might mean protecting them from a family member who is undermining them.

You don't have to stay as his partner 'for the good of the children'. Showing the children that you are happier away from him, living on your own terms, might be a lot healthier for them in the long-term. As they grow into adults their ability to understand your decisions and how you wanted the best for them will increase.

I'm not saying you have to leave him. But don't make the mistake of thinking that staying with a man who is emotionally negligent, verging on emotionally abusive, is 'better for the children'.

As a minimum, you really need to chat this through with a good therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to find the right therapist straight away, so if you don't love the first one, try a different one. But you need an independent and wise mind to help you figure this out. I wish you the very best x