Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

Life is ours to make of it the best we can. As my therapist put it, you can’t set yourself on fire just to keep someone else warm. Xx

Close friend went out with a boarding school man for many years, had a child with him but it got to the point where she just couldn’t put up with the lack of emotion, the cheating - he and all his public school boarding school colleagues had a wife in the country, mistress in the city - the arrogance and outward overconfidence that masked crippling anxiety and insecurity.
All of which was as a result of being sent away aged 8 by his powerful, judge father to toughen him up.
When she told him it was over he constantly threatened to kill himself, and swung between calling her a whore who used him to get a child, to begging her to stay.
Would have felt sorry for him if he hadn’t been such a massive Tory prick.

I went to boarding school aged 8. It damaged me emotionally, for sure. You can’t articulate at that age - or for many years thereafter - exactly what it is. But it’s simple: children should live with thair families (or people who love them). At boarding school no one gives a shit if you had a bad day/are homesick/are being bullied. You survive. You’re told every day how privileged you are to be in this situation. It creates a cognitive dissonance that can take years to unravel. And that’s only if you ever have the inclination to look inwards and question why your adult relationships never feel quite right.

From my own experience, and that of my boarding school friends, the experience creates resilience, but at a cost of being seen as emotionally detached. We have emotions, but we learnt too young that showing them is a weakness for which you will be punished, and the price of showing vulnerability is too high.

Well some resonated with me, but mine is not prone to any name calling and the ‘mistress’ is just the sport and other obsessions which are prioritised above me ! I feel a bit like Bridget Jones now, when her cell mates in the Thai prison have it much worse than her ! But thank you for sharing as I often have felt ‘it is only me’ then you realise so many other v similar experiences of identical traits x

You are so right that it is not all bad qualities, resilience and strength are useful in life - it is the emotional numbness and cognitive dissonance that is so entrenched that the ex boarder makes life so much worse for their living and kind and considerate partners

@Realdealstuff you obviously have a lot to deal with but some of what you talk about could well be just him being a selfish idiot. Loads of us do manage to love and prioritise our partners and children. You're married to one individual, not to a "generic ex-boarder"

Of course. It is a professional therapist who has suggested the stonewalling and refusal to talk emotions or feelings vibes plus excessive task-mode (has to be busy can’t just hang out without scheduling stuff) plus avoidant traits are ‘ex boarder’ related. Due to being sent full boarding in the 1970s at age 7. Binds being broken despite having loving parents then leading to attachment disorder. Has been capable of committing to me but always distant when important or emotional stuff comes up. Stonewalls and looks away and stares at a phone even if I’m visibly upset. Never any real repair or resolution of any conflict as he literally avoids all meaningful issues. But of course many individuals who have boarded are fine and don’t have attachment disorder and I didn’t mean to generalise and imply all boarders have the same issues. Hope I haven’t offended

Oh no plenty of us have issues!! But your posts use language around "they present like this" and "the ex-boarder is like that" which is, in my view, an unhelpful and unfair generalisation.

You sound extremely unhappy with him and are maybe hitting out at us all en masse! But among me and my friends I can't think of a single one who would prioritise their sporting interest over spending time with their kids. If anything the reverse.

I have witnessed the same, unhealthy relationship with mother- taking showers/baths with her as a teenager carrying out massages on her for her sore limbs etc he could not see anything wrong with it. It was creepy and unnatural to me. He spoke roboticoly with parents everything focussed overtly on achievement. I observed and watched like they were in a board meeting no emotion and no feeling. However I have noticed that with the majority of privately educated children not just boarding school children.

Lollllll! Tell me you’ve never met more than one private school kid (if any) without telling me you’ve never met more than one private school kid 😂.

Sounds like they’re just smart enough not to let their guard down unless it’s around people they choose. And they obviously didn’t choose to around you.

I know plenty (was a Day pupil at a Boarding school) and while most of the women seem to have "survived" ok the men have not.
I can spot one a mile off

This is basically my marriage (also to a boarder).

I also strongly identify with this. DH talks to his family (and me if I try to press him emotionally) as though they are work colleagues.

One poster has objected to the generalisations against boarders. Of course not every single boarder is like this, but there is a pattern of adaptive behaviours that are more commonly found in boarders than in non-boarders. That is what the research has shown.

Yes talking as work colleagues was spot on ! I pointed it out and they honestly had no idea. I explained that’s not an emotionally connected conversation and I think I was genuinely the first person in their life to comment on that. I’ve just read another post saying they cannot hang out without scheduling things. That really hit me as I was gaslighted by a boarder for not constantly scheduling emailing things to them. Yes they cannot just ‘be’ everything regimented. Struggling to know how to ‘be’ relaxed, rigid and controlled watching hours of comedy and not laughing.

So familiar to me also, though not quite as bad (he can comfort me when I’m upset but day to day empathy is sadly lacking).

He’s also not close to his mum at all, although seems desperate for her approval sometimes and finds her frequently challenging/immature behaviour difficult to even admit to. I put this down to the sense of abandonment he must have experienced when he was sent to boarding school so young - it’s damaging a core relationship to a young child, though to make sense of it they cannot blame their parents - as that would be even more upsetting.

All so fucked up. Can’t really believe they still exist!

I am so grateful to hear from others who can see but also accept at least to some extent, behaviour which sounds maddening and frustrating but lately been reading the let them book (Mel robbins) which talks about how I need to control my own happiness and sanity, rather than letting the avoidant behaviour trigger me so badly, and that you can still love someone even though their behaviour upsets you. That you can sort of train yourself to feel the emotion, let the anger and frustration hold, then ebb, then still be sane ! So it is not hopeless. Have been on verge of divorce but am sort of navigating a not-perfect path, but understanding life is not always fair (to me, having chosen a BSS but also the the 7 year old sent to board,,…..). Keep the positivity. But don’t put up with emotional abuse. X.

@boardingschoolwife

Thanks to all who take the time to post thoughtfully x

By the time I was 18 I had boarded for half my life.

I don't have any of these traits.

Generalisation is super unhelpful.

I hate to say it but the defensiveness of some of the boarders in this thread is a pretty typical symptom of Boarding School Syndrome 😜

Also, my DH (who is a classic case of BSS) would also claim not to have any issues at all having gone to boarding school. He would say that he doesn't have a problem with lack empathy/not being in touch with emotions - it is just that it is better to approach the world with logic and rationality, and not be clouded or ruffled by emotions (which are illogical). He would also say that the disassociative way of talking to your family is totally fine - better than having arguments and letting emotions infect relationships. Also, rationing food and depriving yourselves of luxuries is just a superior way to live to those of us who indulge ourselves and are wasteful. Boarding school was totally fine, had no effect on him at all and he was privileged to go to the top school in the country etc etc ... Now let's go on to the next practical task that needs doing around the household.

I dropped out of the delusion quite dramatically one day.

I just bought the rhetoric that BS was a good thing and a privilege. But people around ex-boarders aren't so indoctrinated and can see us better.

The eye-opener for me was when we told DH's parents that his teacher (who was also head of boarding house - so living in the house with the children - and rugby coach) had just been imprisoned for sexually abusing students and they said NOTHING. Didn't respond at all, let alone act horrified or ask him if he had also been abused. They won't hear a word against boarding school and DH responds in kind. He could never tell them he was unhappy at boarding school and they have no knowledge of the bullying etc he was exposed to. As a result, he is unable to express vulnerability (because this would have put him in danger as a boarder) or be emotionally open. I just think about our kids who come home from a bad day and can talk about it to family. At boarding school, he had noone and as a result, as an adult if he has had a bad day at work, he just internalises it and it appears in unhealthy ways (eg: excessive drinking; being a workaholic etc).

It doesn’t matter why he is like this.

He is like this and he doesn’t want to change.

So he won’t change.

You will drive yourself mad trying to understand him and change him.

He won’t spend one second trying to understand you or the kids.

Painful as it is, you need to accept this is who he is and always will be. You need need to base your decision on what is best for you and the kids, leaving or staying, on that acceptance.

My ex-boss was incredibly defensive about boarding school, best years of my life, made me the man I am today etc but he was about as emotionally stunted as you could get, found it incredibly difficult to talk to women normally - less than ideal in a workplace. He was also a bully - mainly to men, jumped on any perceived ‘weakness’. Eventually his patronising manner towards women got him in trouble, it was one thing treating more junior women as if their opinions mattered less than men but he did it a few times to many to senior female colleagues and he was managed out of the company.

I also heard that he’s now split up with his wife. While I worked with him they were having an ongoing battle over sending their kids to boarding school -eldest boy was about 8 at the time. She was a SAHM and wanted the children to stay local in a their private school - he was adamant that they go to his old school.
Seems like she won. probably for the best.