Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

Hmmm sounds he is like the jerk of a husband I got. However, mine never went to BS. He is simply a narcissist.

Sorry, I missed that you do think he's on the spectrum. This does sound more relevant than school.

Having recently met the most lovely 84yo man, within ten minutes he was telling me of the horror of his boarding school in the UK. He scarpered to Australia and has had a wonderful life but he had nothing to do with his parents, and I think siblings, as soon as he was gone. He would tell us terrible stories , and he was 84. Maybe they have improved since he started but to me anyone who sends a 7 year old to boarding school is no parent. They's be better off adopted. 84!!! and still devestated. It's tragic.

I have a patient who cannot ever get over being sent away to boarding school. His parental home was only an hour away.

Maybe the traits were always there and school made worse but my DH went to boarding school at 5 yrs old and couldn’t be more loving and caring. Anything but arrogant and is modest about his achievements so can’t generalise

That's your husband's personality, you can not blame that on his education. I boarded from 8, as did my husband and many friends none of us have issues forming close relationships full of love with wonderful families.

You've chosen a partner who is unable to express love, they appear in every status.

7! Christ almighty, what on earth did your parents think they were doing sending a tiny vulnerable child to an institution at 7.
There should be laws made to prevent children that young being sent to boarding schools.

Colleague sent his only son to boarding school at 8 ( family tradition) and says it was the ‘making’ of him. Excellent sportsman. Very, very successful career.Top of his profession.

Colleague also rarely gets to see his ‘workaholic’ son, who moved to another continent 30 years ago, and can’t seem to find the time to come home, or have family visitors come to him - despite money being no object. They haven’t seen him 7/8 years in person and get most of their information about his success via Social Media as he jets about the world giving keynotes and going on exotic holidays. He even came to a big conference about an hour from his parents but despite flying half way across the world, just couldn’t find the time to see them in his schedule.

I’m not so sure the 2 things are unrelated…

I imagine they were thinking something along the lines of “how do we give our children the best start in life with regards to stability and opportunities” when my dad was away with the Navy for most of the year and the local school when their eldest turned 7 was absolutely shite 😄.

Not all boarding schools are the same (surprise!) in the same way not all state schools are the same. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it.

Also, whilst she won’t go to boarding school unless she asks to when she’s older, I wouldn’t infantilise my DD6 by calling her tiny and vulnerable!! We try and teach her to listen to her gut, to trust herself, to assess situations, and be guided to make good decisions. When she’s not with us we leave her with adults who we are confident take the same approach.

My parents, and my teachers, and my tutors between them raised 4 competent, emotionally intelligent, resilient adults in my siblings and me, and we stayed in touch with my 1st headmaster until he died about 10 years ago.

It sounds like your husband needs to learn how to communicate with his family better; how to really listen and how to show affection and love. Honesty OP you have also been super critical of him here, and to your son, and your hoping he won’t turn up for dinner is an awful family dynamic. Maybe go on a coaching and parenting course together, a really good one that includes setting boundaries and communicating in a non aggressive manner. It’s better for your children if he can learn these skills and see the error of his ways towards you all. It could also help you to see some things from his perspective and to judge if it really is 100% on him & 0% on you. Ultimately it could also help you know if your marriage is salvageable or not.

If they haven’t raised your DH, they would be more detached. Boarding school friend said they feel like their parents are more distant aunt/uncle figures - people
whi were I. Your life, but don’t have much to do with your upbringing, that you saw a bit in the summer, maybe at Christmas or bigger family events.
pleasant enough to talk to but no deeper relationship than that.

He is abusive & any psychologists worth ther salt won’t even try to justify their behaviour as trauma. They’ll just tell you to take the kids and leave

It alternately breaks my heart and makes me angry or upset to see how my DH reacts in certain situations. He had no idea how to bring up DC and has no concept of how you look after someone who isn't well unless it's called an ambulance. He hated his parents growing up so much of his parenting skills have been based on doing the opposite to his own.

I realised that his parents have no idea how to bring up children after letting them babysit one night. My DH was in the care of a nurse and then a home help/nanny who was still with the family when we got married twenty years later.

It sounds like you need to sit your DH down and tell him that he can't keep acting this way towards you and DS. It isn't acceptable and whilst BSS can explain behaviours, it isn't an excuse. I've taught mine how to do laundry properly and how to cook. I've made it clear that weaponised incompetence is never an acceptable excuse to not do something. My FIL told me proudly he can't cook and doesn't know how to use a washing machine when I told him we'd taught these skills to our DC.

Sorry I don’t have time to reply properly now but maybe have a listen to this:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/571Q1Ys51UJTkVBXYEuriG?si=GSabL8O4QKCM1yd1H9Nnyg

episode 29 explores marriages to those who went to boarding achool

i found them very interesting and insightful.

I had a colleague with these traits. A friend suggested she might either be an army brat or have been in boarding school.
Turned out to be both. From an early age they are on their own, don’t learn trust, can be superficially charming but will sell you down the river if you’re no longer useful. I hope not all of them are like this but mine was a classic.

I'm glad that your experience of boarding school was so positive. It is also lovely to hear that you are teaching your DD6 so many useful skills. However, even a robust and normally developing 6 year old is vulnerable by dint of being 6 and still in the process of aquiring social, emotional and independence traits. Children of 6 are not ready to survive or flourish on their own, and this shows that they are still vulnerable. Naturally, we hope that anyone we entrust with the care of our children will honour fully this responsibility, but it cannot be guaranteed (same can be said of some parents themselves), but it does not benefit the child to deny its vulnerability.

My DH and all his siblings boarded from 7, they are a very loving and close family. Much more so than me and mine. I went to state school and my mum was at home at the end of the school day every day. I think your DH is just a plain old a-hole.

Very reasonably written 😊. I’m not denying her vulnerability, I am helping her grow and test boundaries in an age appropriate way!

You may not have seen the PP suggesting it should have been illegal for my parents to send me as a “tiny, vulnerable child” to BS. We moved my 4’11” MIL with Alzheimer’s into a nursing home a few years ago. She was both tiny and vulnerable (and nursing homes have far less safeguarding than schools) but no one batted an eyelid. IMO “vulnerability” is just one part of the equation when deciding what’s best for a loved one in your care.

Thank you.

I think that in the case of a relative with Alzheimer's (my sympathies, a close family member also suffered with this condition) there are very few appropriate safe available options. With schooling for children there are many appropriate safe options which do not involve sending young children away from home and their primary carers. I think that this is at the crux of what is causing a lot of reactions on this thread.

That is in no way suggesting that boarding inevitably leads to bad outcomes for all, but I do think that the older a child is when they begin to board, the better chance they have had to develop a strong sense of self and are further along in their emotional development before leaving home, which in turn decreases their vulnerability in that situation.

My DF was sent to boarding school, and as a father he was totally disengaged when we were children, and the nothing ever being good enough is still true to this day. He never has a nice word to say about any of his DC (all well into adulthood now and we’re all doing ok in our own ways!).

To be fair, it may not be just boarding school that caused this, his DM quite openly much preferred his sister, and his DF was a lot older and was always busy with work, so it’s not like he came back to a loving home life in the holidays. And I think boarding school was a much harsher environment back then, he’s in his 70s now.

How awful the concept of bs is beyond cruel

I know. Imagine having an awful time, suffering from MH disorders directly linked to something then putting your child through the same thing.
Friend got 11 x As at GSCE , 4 x As A level and therefore wants DC to be as ‘successful’ but as one of the most driven, intelligent people I know she would have got that anywhere TBH.

It’s not like her rich parents would have placed her in a terrible failing school somewhere instead. And her ‘emotional intelligence ’ is close to zero. Years of suppressing her emotions to put on a brave face have seen to that. She’s close to some BS friends still and they are ALL rhe same emotionally. Not all did as well academically.

Hi there. I am new to mumsnet but not to Boarding School Syndrome and its effects on partners over a long marriage. I have done both couples and individual therapy. Whilst I understand a lot about the strategic survival personality, the roots in being sent away to school age 7 and not being allowed any contact with your parents for weeks (they believed a clean break was better at shutting down the missing your mum stuff!), and my husband is essentially a kind and good person, he has the emotional responses of a plank of wood. My children (never, ever went near a boarding school!) are grown up, well adjusted and accept that their father undoubtedly loves his children but as they put it, don;t ever expect him to show emotion, even at your wedding, or hug you and tell you how unbelievably proud he is, or have a tear in his eye when you swap stories etc. He is what they call ‘detached’. I have been married for 29 years but am now thinking of (quite amicably) ending the relationship because I am losing self respect for myself for never setting any boundaries he can agree to, for putting up with his constant absences (though been retired for years) and his latest ‘task mode’ obsession (going to Ukraine with a van of aid every month, and in between obsession over constant scrolling on phone, and he shuts down, stonewalls, and lately laughs in my face even if I am in tears, trying to get some concrete sense from him of what (if anything) he is willing to do in order to try and reach a compromise. I have always enabled him in pursuing hobbies (they tend to obsess over sport, perfectionism, competitiveness, etc) (they wear a sort of genial, confident, chatty exterior, polite and never moaning, never being short tempered, which they present to all the outside world. Inside, i get stonewalling, staring at a screen, not answering when i speak, saying everything that is wrong is down to me wanting to talk about emotions, saying everything that is wrong is because I stopped being to tactile or affectionate, wanting unconditional approval like a ‘mother love’ for everything he does even when absent for weeks at a time when i beg him to be more present)

It sounds as if you’ve given it a good go, but can you imagine the life you could have with someone who isn’t as shut down emotionally??

Yes I am now starting to think I have reached my limit. Especially as now have the joy of the achey joints and sleep disturbances to add to my 4am mad waking thoughts!