Boarding school syndrome

[boardingschoolwife]

I’d love to chat with people who’s dealing with a spouse that may be experiencing the boarding school syndrome.

The lack of love they received during their teenage years. Unable to pass down the love they think they have towards their own children. Always critical, no matter how hard their kids try (and do well). Always think they’re the best at everything. Very critical towards their spouse. Think their family are happy purely because of their existence.

I don’t know if I can tolerate this anymore.

Your husband is doing very real and lasting damage to your son. As a child i was emotionally abused and believe me it messed up my entire life. I constantly tell my children how amazing they are and praise them for the things they do well as I would hate them to end up like me. I would rather move to mars than allow their father to put them down. My advice to you is to leave for your sons sake, although it sounds like the damage has already been done.

There has been a film made called Boarding on Insanity all about the effects of boarding school on individuals and our world leaders, many of whom have been through the boarding school system. Very thought provoking and ties in with some of the themes mentioned by the OP https://www.boardingoninsanity.com/

Close friend and I have ‘fallen out’ over my opinion on their plan to send their only child to boarding school. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut because the idea of sending this beautiful, sweet child away aged 11 when they have money, resources, space to have them at home with no issues whatsoever is baffling to me.
Particularly when friend was sent to boarding school at the same age, developed an eating disorder, struggled with feelings of abandonment and anger, struggles to make friendships and hold on to romantic relationships, trust very few people, had a none existent relationship with their parents and siblings ( who went to different boarding schools), and can’t hear any critique of the system because they were ‘lucky’ and privileged’ to go there.
I think friend is trying to please the grandparents ‘look! I am a success, I can afford £60k a year in fees!’ And has a strained relationship with the child which I believe stems from a lack of self love and self belief ( deep down, because of course on the surface friend is successful, massively confident. Has the right accent and ‘look’)

I know quite a few people who boarded, and TbH - they all struggle with relationships and emotions and mental health.

it’s bizarre to me ( from a country where boarding schools are very rare , even private schools are rare) that a system created to produce foot soldiers for the British Empire ( break the child, mold the man) is somehow still seen as something to aspire to for so many people.

I have found there is definitely deep trauma in men who were sent to school under 10

Sorry to go against the grain, but I just want to prove that anomalies are possible where boarding school is concerned!

My DH went from 13, coinciding with when his Dad suddenly died... he'd been at the school prior, he just wasn't boarding. His mother pretty much rejected him at this point and the poor boy was in turmoil (perhaps she was struggling too but that's besides the point).

Anyway, he's the most loving husband and father, he doesn't care what either of our children grow up to be, so long as they're happy and kind. As for me, I have my dinners made for me every night and I couldn't wish for a better chap.

My Mum went to secondary boarding school in the 1960/70s. We know she loves us but she loves us in very pragmatic ways and doesn't really do hugs or talk about feelings. She doesn't call me unless she needs to and doesn't always see the more granular details of why someone might be upset. She is a far better grandparent than she was parent but she she admits that boarding school was damaging for her a refused to even send us day private school even when her father offered to pay, we all went to state school and came home very night.

Completely agree with this.

Boarding school is nothing short of child abuse for anyone under 16 years old.

break the child, mold the man
Chilling saying and pedagogy. I reckon some teachers are still like this.

With all respect, it is not up to the children whether or not you leave. I left my covert narcissist exh and am the primary caregiver of 3 kids. I don’t regret it for a second. I also went to boarding school and don’t recognize the character traits you describe in your husband as having anything to do with going to boarding school. The boarding school ‘fallout’ for me is that I am fiercely independent and self sufficient.

Boarding School years ago was once considered to be de rigeur by the Upper Classes and a huge status symbol amongst the Social Climbers.

In.the Sixties.Things changed a bit and boarding school.iwas judged by the In Crowd as akin to putting your Children into Care.

I had a cousin who became the Matron at a Northern Boarding School She said some of the boys. wet3v sent to.stay with Guardians during the school holidays as their parents were too busy to see them.

Heartily agree. One of my kids sobs his heart out at the thought of going to exh for his parenting time, but to see him skip up the path when ex is waiting to greet them at the door, you’d think they were going for a tour round a candy factory, because that is the only acceptable behaviour towards exdh.

Exactly what I was trying to say. Parents are responsible for safeguarding their kids and making decisions in their best interests. That will never include sharing their supposed haven from the world with an emotional abuser. I speak from experience.

It’s a very common pattern. I learned in counselling that we are wired to seek out relationships that feel familiar, even if they are unhealthy. I left a volatile and emotionally abusive family and ran right into the arms of another abuser. Please don’t blame yourself x

My husband went to boarding school and he is almost incapable of showing emotion, showing vulnerability, indulging himself with anything, or asking for help. He is incapable to supporting me emotionally. I grew up in chaos (practically and emotionally) so his lack of emotion and independence/self-reliance was very attractive to me initially but now it has caused all sort of issues/damage for me and our marriage. I am almost completely done with it. See my thread recently about cat food.

It took me a while to realise this was not normal and that boarding school affected him. He still struggles to accept it. His parents are completely closed to the topic, even when they learned that his teacher was a predator (now imprisoned) they still think it was all wonderful and won't hear a word against it.

Being given unconditional love by your parents does not correlate with whether they did/didn’t send you to boarding school!!! I went from the age of 7, as did my 3 siblings. We are all 4 loved by our parents, and love our own and each other’s children, fiercely.

My dad is a bit of a controlling, narcissistic twat. He’s not a happy man. I’m sorry that your husband sounds similar to
him. What are you doing about it? My mum has for the most part put up and shut up for 50+ years. She is a monumentally strong, resilient woman but only now is starting to see that she could have improved both of their lives by finding a way to talk to him about his behaviour decades ago.

Ha! That will teach me to RTFT all the way through. Have just seen the OP has started discussions with her DH. Huzzah, and well done!!!

My FIL has it, 100%. The family fall-out continues to this day. he has been badly scarred and has managed to utterly f_ck up his children and long-suffering wife. He has zero insight and refuses counselling. As a result we are NC. It's very very sad.

Wow this is very familiar to me too. Very defensive, won't open up, clearly craves affection from his mother yet also hates her. Wears a mask of being excellent and wants to be admired. Awful partner emotionally

I mean, whatever the source of his issues, it’s really, really shitty to raise children this way.

What was the attraction? Did he not display these traits until after children were conceived?

I’d insist on therapy or divorce. His choice.

Being hyper critical isn't specifically a boarding school thing- it comes from feelings of being inadequate I think- which can happen in any walk of life.
Not being able to show love for those around you can be associated with boarding school, but is also very common for working class men.
The feeling of making everyone happy just by existing is an ego thing and nothing to do with boarding schools.
Not having love during your teenage years may help fuel these things, but I have met people with these traits who went to boarding and those with the same traits who did not go to boarding school.
I think you may be looking for something to blame which is not your DH- ultimately the behaviour is his, whatever caused it.

My partner is someone that boarded from 7 years upwards and he isn’t any of these things.

There's nothing boarding school about that, at all. Boarding raises people who can get on with anyone, at least superficially. They may not share much of themselves but they do well socially. Dining table conversation is their metier.

This sounds more like a struggling marriage to me.

I hope you can make some headway together OP. Beware of him being too accepting of your new narrative here, and just giving you the answers he thinks you want. Agreement, promising to change etc are the fastest and most agreeable ways to shut down an uncomfortable conversation.

Hmm. My parents both went to boarding school as did my DH, my first boyfriend, my cousin and my stepson. None of them have the characteristics you describe. I know physical punishment was still in use in my cousins time (we are in our 60s), snd he did say he learned to French kiss from one of his teachers (and yes, he was a priest). In my father’s day it was common for middle class kids to board, and his mother further distanced herself by leaving him for several years while she taught in Africa. That affected him more than the boarding bit.
But all of the above are or were kind, generous, loving people. My DH was still dear friends with his fellow boarders until his death. He hated it, my dad enjoyed it, my mother tolerated it, my cousin and boyfriend just accepted it. It helped that most were intelligent and athletic and escaped any bullying.
I wouldn’t ever want to have any of my own kids go. My stepson chose to at 13 - a little bit influenced by Harry Potter I expect! He liked it and met his wife there (mixed sixth form). But boarding now is very different from previous generations. I think back then it could make or break you.

If you think that both his parents are autistic then surely this would be your first guess to understand your husband, rather than assuming his adult personality and behaviour are entirely down to boarding school?