In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

What an utter cunt granny is!

The damage that comment might have done needs to be counteracted by positivity. I know you will have gone out of your way to reassure her that what was said wasn’t true, but, sadly, your daughter will think you are just being kind because you are her mum and you love her. Ask EVERYONE your daughter comes into contact with to say positive things about her in the weeks and months to come. Especially if they can do it as part of a general conversation or in a way thats as an aside or that they are talking (or you) are talking about her when she’s within earshot, but not directly to her. If she hears her teachers, Medical staff - her consultant - neighbours and friends say positive things or comment on her maturity or academic successes then it will go some way to redress the balance. Why oh why do people feel the need to be so negative and unnecessarily unkind?

Your in-laws are completey out of touch and are basing their beliefs on how universities were 50 years ago.

There is such a broad range of universities nowadays. I know people with first class UCL degrees that still could not today pass GCSE maths.

Further, university foundation degree programs only require 40 UCAS points for example.

Sounds like healthcare would be a great fit for her. I know its a long way off but when it came to placements, accomodations/adaptations would be made to help her manage. I have had students with disabilities before and always happy to be flexible.

O people used to say this about me to my mum, especially one of my primary school teachers who thought their daughters were amazing and I was slow. Guess who went to Cambridge university and graduated with honours. Guess who didn't. Stuff them! Not that going to cambridge makes me the best. But when you're being kicked and FYI- hearing loss +eyesight issues so yeah stuff them and tell her to ignore them. If she does decide to go, and then graduates, don't include them in any celebrations xxx

Incredibly stupid ( in which case, she’s one to talk!) or incredibly nasty.

Can you try to combat this negative messaging by getting the head teacher to speak to her to reassure her that there’s no reason to think she won’t have a rosy future in any career she chooses if she works hard. And/or any teacher friends amongst nicer relatives or schoolmates parents?

Also tutoring to catch up. But reading books will do as much good as anything else, particularly older series that stretch vocabulary.

Please tell her that my brothers and I were nothing exceptional at junior school - in fact we all thought my poor Younger brother was quite dim (🙄😬). However we all worked hard, did well in the exams that really count and went to university for our chosen degrees.

11 is too young to write anyone off academically or in any other way. Shame on them!!

Good grief. Your MIL needs to take a chill pill.
Sounds like your daughter is hardworking, motivated and imaginative, which are all OT traits.
If it helps I'm an OT Apprentice due to qualify in a couple of months. Completing a 3 yr course paid for by my work (Local Authority). Whilst there are academic aspects of the course like anatomy and physiological as well as assignments, the work experience and life skills I've leart working as an OT Assistant om the job as well as on placements are what employers really value. All my placement mentors have commeted on how OT Apprentices are more ready for the workplace than the OT students who go the usual degree route.
OT is such a varied and meaningful career (or occupation, haha!!), I wish your daughter all the best and good luck.

Exactly! After everything your DD has been through, her family should be her cheerleaders, not carping from the sidelines, dashing her hopes of attending University with their negativity.

Your DD sounds brilliant and I wish her all the best in her new school.

All the very best to you and your daughter.

I agree - no more unsupervised time. She had no business upsetting her.

My Daughter missed a year of senior school and was taught by the medical education team one day a week.. She was written off by some but she refused to drop down a year, did well in her GCSE's did well in her A Levels and has just finished a science degree..
Just keep doing what you're doing and ignore the people that want to hold her back and she will be fine!! If they go through these health challenges it often makes them more determined little warriors x

God, they sound insufferable.

Having worked in the health service, your daughter sounds like the ideal candidate for being an OT! So many people are inspired from a young age, having been a patient and seen the difference that clinical staff make to their lives. She has lived experience which is incredibly valuable and will offer her an insight that other people don't have.

FWIW my daughter expressed what I thought was an unachievable career goal aged 12. Now at 20 she is doing the job she aimed at then. I only encouraged her and told her she could do whatever she wanted to do. So can your lovely DD. Good luck!

Why would your child even know their sats score, who cares about this stuff

My child is autistic and failed the maths sats I didn't even tell her. She had missed huge amounts of school I was just happy she overcame her challenges and was in school at all.

Stop telling your in laws this stuff.

They sound absolutely vile I would be SO ANGRY if this happened to my child (and we have a similar situation)

I would be round there telling them that they are discouraging her love of learning and they should be ashamed of themselves.

My son was told by the school he shouldn't feel NAT 5 English as being dyslexic he wouldn't get anything. He ignored the school and sat it and got a B. Same was said about Maths again he got a B. He is now at college doing computer game design and last year was awarded top pupil in his class.

I hope your daughter uses this to prove them all wrong in years to come.

I hate this crap. Boomers are devils for it. MIL did similar (not as blunt) to my eldest DD - with absolutely no knowledge of any school results as well btw (and her son, my dh has a PHD!). I butted in as fast as you can imagine as at least it was in front of us.

This is the type of comment that stays with you for life. Whatever the realities of the situation the comment was outrageous

Lots changes about who is “clever” during the secondary years. It’s all to play for and you are absolutely right to encourage your DD to go for her goals.

This.

Wasn't actually my family it was my primary school who seemed to have low opinion of me and my ablities - I tested well at secondary so got into top sets and then did well. Primary and secondary missed my dyslexia and dyspraxia that finally got piked up at uni.

Honestly she done really well with what she had to contend with - just make sure she knows it's a them issue likely because she hadn't gone to grammar school and they have a very narrow/rigid way of thinking.

My Dmum warned us about our DGP - one thinking other cousin were acadmic ones other not being in facvour of education but both were actually very postive towards our education and ambitions.

There's more than one route into uni if much nearer time she does want to go. I'd just limit contact and make sure if there is any you are there to interceed. It hard to see how this was in any way meant to help - if they had thought it too ambitious they'd have suggested other options surely rather than saying no not for you at all and upsetting a child that clearly spent a lot of time being seriously ill.

Explain to your DD that sometimes grandparents talk rubbish! Your in laws are unkind and stupid and (because DD is neither of those) she will make a great OT when she grows up if that is what she wants to do. You don't have to be 'traditionally' academic to go to university and her disrupted schooling so far makes it very difficult to assess how academic she is. Her attitude and work ethic already seem exemplary.

Send her to the USA I guarantee any college admissions committee will
be very very interested in a pediatric
transplant survivor who wants to pursue a career in OT. And she can take some classes at smaller community colleges which have much smaller classes. It doesn’t have to be done in one straight 4 yrs swoop.

get DH and the both of you tell MIL to shut the fuck up about your dd career interests.

Unbelievable

Good grief, what a total cow your MIL is! If that’s your granny, who needs enemies, frankly. I hope your DD ignores the old bat, and with your support, achieves all she wants with hard work etc. She’s only 11, who knows what she will achieve, don’t let your MIL trample on her dreams.

Even if she is a University admissions tutor, she could not possibly know what a 11 year old could be capable of at 15 and beyond. Some kids peak early, others later. And, there are a huge range of Universities, courses and student profiles. Telling a child she can't do something is setting her up for failure! Outrageous behavior.

Your DD sounds an amazing young woman. Honestly after everything you’ve all been through, anyone who upsets your DD is absolute scum. MIL might be academically clever, but it means nothing when she’s a nasty bitch.

If there ever was an ultracredpidarian, it's granny isn't it? she needs to keep her ignorant ideas to herself. I'm so angry on your behalf @OP how very dare she. If i told you my dc story he was so similar to your DD, dealing with serious neurological problems, taking meds and having surgery for various things. Some of his teachers who didnt believe how poorly he was, because like your DD, he seemed to cope a lot better than he looked on paper, they just described him as 'lacking drive'. Well, he not only aced his GCSEs, but smashed his A'levels with straight A's and got into a top uni, not the kind anyone would've thought the likes of him would go.

Your DD sounds like she's got that grit needed to get through this and she will. Prayers and good luck to her. Hope Granny lives long, especially to see her being dropped off at uni.

This makes me so angry and sad at the same time. They're obviously not as "academic" as they think or they would know the research about not supporting childrens aspirations and about growth mindsets. Maybe you can arrange a session with a very supportive and empowering professional from her School.

Your daughter sounds incredible. With such low attendance levels, those results are absolutely marvellous!! Not everyone hits their academic stride by that age. I certainly wasn’t much cop at 11 but I have a masters from a top tier university. I just kind of got into it all a bit more in my teens.

I would be raging that your in-laws were so mean and would seriously go NC with them. It’s heartbreaking to hear that she has taken what they said to heart. They are vile. And absolutely wrong btw. All love and strength to you and your dd.

So it’s not quite the same, but I went to school with someone who is now incredibly famous and successful in the sporting world. Lots of teachers at school told him to get a realistic goal when he said this is what he wanted to do.

Guess who had the last laugh?

Your DD can do and be whatever she pleases and if anything it will just be sweeter proving people wrong. Well done for being her champion. ❤️