In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

The ILs and her apologists on this thread need to wind their fucking necks in.

Bloody hell OP - I know what it takes to support a child through years of serious treatment. You have both done fantastically. It isn't just the missed education, it's the emotional and physical exhaustion that goes along with hospital stays and treatment.

It is not always possible to predict academic progress even without a huge interruption to education. My friends dd has just graduated with a great degree form a top Uni - she couldn't even read when she entered Yr 7 due to dyslexia. An excellent SENCO sorted her out and she is flying. My other friends summer born boy was 'just getting through' in Yr 6 and until the end of Yr 9...then matured, did fine in GCSEs did well in A levels and even better at Uni.

And it can work in reverse too, with Yr 5 and 6 high flyers not really showing anything above average by A level.

And there is no excuse whatsoever for giving an opinion to an 11 year old. Not to damn her hopes, not to try 'reverse psychology', not to 'be realistic' , nothing.

Yes we always try to keep up anyway we can :)
without it also not being too much.

This absolutely. I am a retired Occupational Therapist and I can tell you that. while she will of course, need to meet uni entry requirements of some kind, there is so much more to OT than being an academic, which I am definitely not!. I'd be telling your mother in law to go fuck herself and encouraging your daughter to say the same. I's also be telling your Mil to keep her snotty opinions to herself

She sounds like a great little girl.
Never allow them unsupervised access again.
She has had a very difficult time with enough challenges, without this.

Fucking hell, with family like that, who needs enemies! Agree totally with you about no more unsupervised visits to granny.
Sometimes things like this are a great driving force to prove people wrong. Here's to a great future for your DD, I hope she gets everything she deserves ❤️

Ah! This is the real issue. They can't see past the kudos of having grammar school children and grandchildren.
I saw too that your DH is no longer with you. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you
yes the whole thing has been fairly traumatic for everyone. Mostly so daughter who fell ill very shortly after birth.
i think the issue we have with DD is she didn’t follow the rules in her disabilities / recovery and is much more able than one would expect if you read her diagnosis / needs on paper. So to meet her for 15 minutes she would come across as a fairly average 11 year old you would not suspect a thing. This however means in some peoples eyes they forget that those things are a thing and inlawd head she isn’t academic but she is ! There is no way she is not. Her old teacher stood and said to me could you imagine if she had never had even half of the distribution she had.

They are going to be very dissapointed when they realise I am not sending DS either 🤣

Wish I knew you and your daughter, I love the sound of you both. As I pretty much adore all occupational therapists, that also tracks. (I’m a SALT).

As for her Granny, I have no words. That was both outrageous and very stupid. At least it wasn’t someone coming out with a ‘harsh truth’ it’s just nonsense! I agree with your assessment of your daughter’s brilliant performance in SATs, but even if they weren’t that good, they’re pretty meaningless, and she’s 11!

Granny is obviously wrong about your dds prospects. But even if she had been right, what a dreadful dreadful thing to say to an 11 year old's face. Inexcusable and cruel. You are absolutely right to be raging OP.

This is awful. Has your MIL ever read about the study where children were randomly told they were really bright after a test and then (surprise surprise) they began to perform better? Knocking her confidence like that is a really horrible thing to do. She’s 11! She should be told she can become whatever she sets her mind to. I’d be asking the in-laws to do some mending work here as this is the sort of comment that could really stick with her – she had a strong reaction to it and I’d worry she’s taken it to heart.

That is incredibly sad for your DD.

When I was at primary school, I was about 10, teacher told my parents I would be lucky if I were to work at a checkout at the supermarket……

I ended up working as a solicitor in the City of London……

Oh my@Getbackinyourlane12that is unforgivable- your dd’s grandmother puts her granddaughter down despite the health issues she has surmounted which impacted her school attendance.
She should be so proud of your dd and grateful that she is now healthier after having a transplant ( I think you mentioned it in a post ).
She should be filled with love and pride not making nasty remarks. 🥲

She’s 100 percent taken it to heart !

I knew purely just by the questioning something had happened. She was up half the night. Was even asking me to research English GCSE papers so she could see if they were very hard !
I did explain that of course they would be as you just started secondary school and they are 5 years away !

I’d have no compunction in saying something like ‘Oh dear, Granny must have been drunk again. People come out with total nonsense when they’ve been drinking’. I see why you don’t normally speak to them.

It sounds like they have written her off because she's not going to a grammar school, which is absolutely idiotic of them.

Best response to this is to tell her to prove them wrong!

Oooh that would have me raging. How dare they?? I hate when people right children off at a certain age.

Thankfully DS2 did not sit SATs but i can’t imagine he would have done well. He has however aced his GCSEs and now studying A-levels.

Children develop at different rates and your daughter has been through the mill. RAAH I’m so cross.

on the maths thing: check that she now can do everything she should have covered. Maths tends to build on things so if something is shaky she might find something else harder than it needs to be later. I.e. “I can’t factorise quadratics” usually translates to “I don’t know my tables” (can you tell I tutor maths.

This to me is the likely cause.
unless one of the children want to go I won’t be sending any of them.

I know someone with a very similar background but the joke was on everyone else. Her law degree from a "crap uni" got her a job in a major UK law firm, she was made partner in her 30s and had made enough to retire in her late 40s.

Yes maths is 100 percent a work in progress. She is amazing at remembering how to work something out and the steps BUT she is slower than average at calculations so that effects it massively.

I would also say no more unsupervised time with GPs! You need to be around to monitor what they say!

You can’t tell any 11 yo that they can’t go to Uni. You can’t know at that age, and even if you could, you don’t tell them bluntly like that.

My youngest (DS) has ADHD and dyslexia. He got late 90s and 100 for his SATs. For him, this was a brilliant result (his arithmetic score was much higher but brought down by the reasoning bit of Maths).

OK he might not end up going to Uni - but he might! I know/ know of loads of kids who have from scores in the 90s in SATs (friends’ children and friends of friends etc)

What I do though is I say things sometimes like “don’t apprenticeship degrees (or other alternative routes) look good, they definitely should have had these long ago” - not to him as such but just so he knows that’s in the conversation and not thought of as lesser.

Wow your MIL sounds like a right piece of work. Your daughter sounds like she has done amazing well after what amounts to very little primary education. All to play for as she settles into secondary school I would say. She is certainly not lacking in motivation, good luck to her, sounds like the school is an excellent fit for her.

I would treat this the same as if they told her the world is flat. Utterly ridiculous and not even worth discussion. I don't know your DD but even I can see she can go far. Whatever she decides to do. I would love to be there when she tells them her GCSE results. This is a small lesson in how the world can underestimate you and all you can do is show them otherwise.

I’d drop all contact for that.