In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

My Dd didnt do well at A levels so swaped to a Btec Health and Social Care, got all Distinction Stars and got into Uni, and is now an Paediatric Occupational Therapist and loves her job!

My son is in Year 13. He ‘failed’ his SATS due to lots of issues - academic life didn’t click for him until he went to secondary school. Then it was like everything changed - he loved academic work there and went from bottom set to top in several subjects. Came out of year 11 with all 7, 8s and 9s (bar maths which was his least favourite subject but he got a 5!)
now studying his A-levels and already has 3 Uni offers - something we would never have imagined had we gone by his primary school’s results.
My point is some kids bloom later academically! Your MIL is wrong, very wrong - your daughter has every chance to go to Uni if she works hard enough. I’d be very angry that they have been so discouraging at her young age.

How dare they say that to such a young child. She has years before she’ll sit any exams. I would be having some serious words with them and no unsupervised time with them moving forward.

I knew a boy at school who was written off by some of the teachers at school. I met him at a school reunion a few years ago. He is a freelance photographer, who goes all over the world and in his spare time was taking a BA. It was a sweet sight to see him doing so well and proving those teachers wrong....

Well done to her (and to you and DH for facilitating it.) I'm sure she's practical enough to know that she may find it harder than people without health issues, but she's clearly got what it takes and would bring lived experience to the role.

To be fair having this info means that being in a hospital setting when she’s an adult means she’s putting her health at risk daily and will need to avoid that but she can be a private OT if you can somehow avoid all hospital based training? I say that as someone who is immune compromised and have had to do this myself x

No more sending her the grandparent's house! That is absolutely awful, you need to tell her that granny is wrong and that she can aim as high as she likes. It sounds like your daughter did amazing given the amount of school she missed, no one should be telling her she needs to lower her ambitions. Imagine if everyone went through life being told "nar you can't do that" no one would strive to achieve anything.

Secondary teacher here and all I can say is I'm in awe of you and your daughter. It sounds like you've had a really difficult time and have navigated it well. Her grandparents sound blinkered and out of touch. This is very early days in secondary and of course uni is still on the table. I always encourage my students to aim high - what are they risking? A little disappointment. It's far better to try and fail than fail to try. Nearer the time is the point at which to decide if it's a realistic goal.

Off topic but I always consider one of my proudest moments was when a student of mine got on to a very competitive engineering apprenticeship for a major car manufacturer. I was really annoyed that she wasn't originally going to be mentioned in the awards assembly (think Oxbridge/Met/Vet etc.) but I pointed out she's had harder odds to beat than them in terms of places offered and applicants. She's still there today and thriving.

Success comes in all sorts of ways @Getbackinyourlane12 as you I am sure are well aware. Well done to the both of you.

You're not by any chance the poster whose in-laws kept telling you after your DH died that they should be allowed to have a say in what schools your kids went to and what healthcare choices you made for them, are you?

Either way - I'll say to you what I said to her. Your in-laws are interfering arseholes and YANBU in the slightest.

Your DD sounds fucking amazing, by the way. And so do you.

Imagine crushing a child’s dream!? Even if in-laws had a point, who does that!? It’s so cruel. Let the kids plant their own goal posts and then they have something to aim at. They should be doing nothing more than encouraging her and keeping their own opinions to themselves. Kids don’t need to be ‘realistic’ at the age of 11, shoot for the stars I say. Adult life does a good job and grounding you when the time is right all on its own.

I hope your daughter’s dream comes true and she proves them both wrong!!

they are incredibly hard work !
I try and I do try to maintain a relationship regarding the children because I believed they needed both sides of the family but each time I give them an inch they take a god dam mile. I don’t know what’s wrong with the women I really don’t. Her actual children despite being pushed academically did not turn out very well and I can only imagine why !!! She won’t hear of it though, she knows best. Tbf FIL I don’t think is a problem apart from the fact he doesn’t stand up to her and so by default ends up looking just as bad. I do think he has very different opinions to her but stays quiet

My father was an absolute shit about my daughter not being academic enough for uni. Strangely enough she is now his favourite, but I've never been able to forgive him for making her feel inadequate.

Christ, who is this arsehole? Op yiure a brilliant mum and MIL is a staggeringly shit grandmother.

I’m an OT and used to be an OT lecturer. If your daughter wants to talk to someone about her goals I’d be happy to do that. It’s a great job which is really diverse and attracts lots of different types of people.

It’s very rare to meet an OT who wants to leave the profession.

I teach GCSE level maths so I can’t pretend to be an expert on SATS scores, but I’m genuinely impressed she managed those score with that level of attendance, and presumably while feeling pretty unwell a lot of the time.

I don’t see any reason why she shouldn’t be aiming for university. Your MIL is massively out of order.

I gasped in horror at your MILs comments. She sounds awful.

I'd just like to say a maths tutor might be a good call. I was that sickly child at primary (20% attendance) in and out of hospital and the kiddy catcher (! ) out in a weekly basis. I would have so benefitted from a tutor as the other stuff I could read about, and reading was my passion but maths remained a mystery for many years until I got my GCSE via adult learning about 15 years ago.
My degree didn't require a maths GCSE and I managed a BA (Hons) and a professional career despite my poor primary (and well into secondary) attendance.

Wow - just wow. Your poor daughter. I remember my son’s nursery teacher telling me he was below average - he ended up with all 9s and 8s for GCSEs and is now in a Russel group uni.

Honestly I would tell her they are old and uninformed about today’s unis. Of course she can find a path to what she wants there are lots of options and you don’t need top a level grades to get into unis for a start. But who knows - give the child a chance she might cream all her grades.

I would go with your hubby and tear strips off them.

Actually sorry he got all 9s and 8s!

one of my relatives had a child deemed "Oxbridge material" at 11 by their school. I was asked for advice and regret to say I found it difficult to keep a straight face. I said there was a long time before they needed to consider that and that just needed to ensure their child was confident in talking to adults. Sadly that child has not made it to any university.

Much can change between 11 and 16. If your child has a reason to work hard, like a career they want, then they may do better than children with "better" SATS figures.

Tell DD not to mind her, that in her day far less people went to college and today it's a lot different. A lot of people go to college nowadays and it's much more accessible anyway. Make her see that is not her problem and she'll be ok. She might even decide that she doesn't want to see her, which is perfectly fine IMO!

What a nasty bastard your MIL is. She owes your DD an apology.

Retired OT here.
Oh gosh your daughter has had it hard and credit to her that she has been inspired by her OT!
I think she would be a credit to the profession having been in a situation where she has had personal experience of health difficulties which have impacted on her daily activities.
I trained as a mature student and had several years of evening classes to meet the qualification requirements as left school at 16.
Being able to communicate and understand your patient’s needs and values and negotiate a treatment plan with them to maximise their independence is one of the most important aspects of the role.
High academic qualifications aren’t always an asset; my experience
when training was that some students didn’t always “get it”. Once qualified OTs who have the ability to put themselves in the patient’s shoes are more likely to succeed.
It’s a very practical profession but you do need some academic ability to enable you to understand the physiological, psychological and sociological aspect. She has every chance of gaining these qualifications.
How awful of her grandmother to write her off in this way. There is no guarantee that her cousins will succeed in their careers or even be fortunate enough to find the right path. An OT degree will lead to a very satisfying career for her with a huge choice of options (children, adults, physical, mental health) in a wide range of settings.

Admissions tutors know f-all about assessing which 11 years olds will be right for uni in 7 years time!

My older 2 children have grandparents like this (my ex’s parents). They really helped annihilate my son’s self esteem with the hurtful things they’d say to and about him. It’s taken years to mend the damage they’ve done- and that was after he cut contact with them a few years ago. i wish I'd stepped in years before. Not easy to protect your child from adult bullies within their own family on the NRP’s contact time though.

No one has any business making a child feel that way. To do it to a child you’re supposed to love like your grandchild, boggles my mind.

Ageist. I am a boomer and I can promise you that I have never said anything as crass as the MIL's comments in my life and I don't think I am an outlier. Some people are nasty, stupid, heedless or all three. They can be any age.