In laws telling DD she would never make it to university.

[Getbackinyourlane12]

Hi
this is more of a rant than anything else ! In laws have 8 grandchildren and the eldest has just started university ( not my DC )
my eldest has just started secondary school and so a while off yet !
DD was over at grandparents the weekend and came back a little upset questioning me about university and getting upset that she will never be able to be an Occupational therapist.
I asked where this has come from and it turns out during the weekend her cousin was talking about her new life at university and DD took an interest and said she wanted to be an OT. She is 11 so I’m aware this can change 🤣 her nan then went on to tell her that I am not setting her up for the reality of her future. To get in to university you will need to do well in your GCSES for college and then well in your A levels and unfortunately your ability is below that. What ?? She’s 11 😭😭 this has all come about because they are all huge academics and asked daughter when she got her sats results what they were.
not to drip feed there was huge health impacts and other factors than meant her primary education was not your average !
she is now able to attend school more and is a great school with great results for children who need a smaller environment but are academic.
I spoke to the in-laws and the MIL said I was misleading daughter and it was better for me now to work towards more an enable goal and have a plan for her that is realistic and not a pipe dream.

she’s 11 😭she’s a tough cookie and in my opinion extremely smart !

Absolutely unforgivable thing to say to any 11 year old, particularly one who has missed so much school due to health issues!

I hope you can reassure your daughter that they are judgemental idiots whose opinions are worthless.

Also for what it's worth, my sister didn't get a single GCSE as she was battling MH issues and an eating disorder throughout secondary school and left in year ten with no alternative provision- she is now undertaking her nursing degree and I couldn't be prouder of her ❤

I got average GCSE’s, no science GCSE, no A levels and I completed an open uni course. Your MIL is wrong.

What a horrid thing to say to an 11 yr old.

My son is neurodiverse and struggled through lower and middle school. He started doing better at secondary school. GCSE results were mostly 4's, he went to college and did a BTEC course, did well and is now at Uni. He is heading towards a 2:1 which is a fantastic achievement for him. I never thought he would go to Uni but he has. The change in your DD from 11 to 16 is immense. Her SATS results were great considering the amount of time she missed. She is obviously very bright and will do well. Try and turn the negative to a positive with your DD and encourage her to prove her grandmother wrong.

I can't for a moment imagine feeling anything other than protective and supportive of my grandchild if she had been through what your DD has. In fact I feel incredibly protective and supportive of my granddaughters, who have so far not met any real challenges.

Your DH should make it very clear to his mother that she should be praising your daughter's determination and achievements after going through so much and with so little time in school, not deliberately rubbishing her and knocking her confidence.

Oh bless her. My dd wants to be an OT as well for similar reasons. She has managed to get the qualifications to apply despite missing a chunk of school in the past.

If it is affordable, then I'd really recommend a tutor. One of mine missed (and still does miss) quite a bit of school, plus we had a gazillillion relocations over the years. It's unbelievable how much a tutor can get through to patch up the gaps. As a pp mentions, it's the foundational building blocks that are important, people think they will wait until gcses to tutor, but you need the basics to be firm.

And your Mil is an unpleasant person, credit to you and your DD, those SATs results are pretty epic with only 20% attendance

I see a lot of kids now who have been encouraged by parents to think that they can do whatever they want in life and then can't because they're not clever enough. I think there does come a time when you have to be realistic with what your children are going to achieve and talk to them about it.

However, That is not at age 11 - I believe that comes after they've sat their GCSE's. If they pass you congratulate - If they fail you commiserate and discuss what the next steps are.

In-laws sound nasty.

It’s a ridiculous thing to say to her at that age and with so many health issues causing low attendance. Of course she’s going to be behind, but it doesn’t mean she’s not able to do well later. I missed the majority of my school years and yet I have multiple degrees - I just did my qualifications slightly later.

That's ridiculous.
Also, many people even fail gcses for various reasons and reconnect with education in their 20s, taking degrees and finding their path at a later time. Sometimes the scbool years are tough and not the best environment to learn for everyone.
I know people who have taken access courses in later life and gone onto become lawyers or therapists or whatever they want after not achievng the gcses needed to progress at that particular stage or not even wanting to at that time.
You can also now do apprenticeships and there are many paths to that dream role.
MIL is stuck in the past and sounds quite stuck up.

Hi, OP -

I am a former admissions tutor in a STEM School with a very high offer, and I think your DD sounds great.

In context, she is doing very well. We, like most Schools, formally acknowledge various types of social deprivation with Contextual Offers, which are lower than the standard offer of admission and are made to applicants who have spent time in care, on free school meals, etc. The reasoning is that these extra challenges make it harder for them to get equivalent results. Many studies, including a big one from Cambridge a little while back and an internal one in my School, validate that students on contextual offers perform equivalently to other students at university.

Assuming her health can be managed, I see your DD as being in a similar position right now. You sound wonderful, her grandmother sounds awful, and I very much hope that DD can see through this ignorant snobbishness and blossom. Best wishes to her.

That was my first thought.

I have very mild CP and even then, there are things I simply can’t do. When I read OT, I instantly thought that would be too physically demanding for me. Then I reflected and thought that I don’t really know enough about the profession to make that snap judgement.

Whatever the case, they’ve gone about it very badly. No need to crush the child.

Does she have a mentor at school? If they're supportive and know her background I think I would email them and involve them in trying to limit the damage from her taking this to heart.

@Getbackinyourlane12 Your daughter has done fantastically well considering she missed so much school and has been through so much, she sounds more than capable of doing occupational therapy. X

The ignorance is very strong in your mil. As is the nonchalant cruelty.

This is a great idea

I have spoke to the lady who does ELSA with her. :)

Yes, we have the same - my dh was told at age 10 (by a teacher) that he would not amount to anything and needed to aim for a job with minimal entry reqts… my dh went on to do ok in GCSEs, really well in A levels, degree, post grad and doctorate!!!

No one should be telling an 11 year old they won’t achieve their dream…
Our eldest got average Sats scores, below average in some areas. He is now top sets for everything bar one subject because he’s rubbish at languages (his words not mine).
I tell mine that they can achieve whatever they set their hearts and minds to, it may take a slightly different route or longer to get there but if they are determined and work hard, nothing is impossible.
I wouldn’t let her go unsupervised to their house again, and tell your MIL telling a child they won’t achieve something like going to university or becoming an OT is ridiculous, how dare she!

I’m a grandma and a teacher and I believe you should encourage all children to aim high and give praise where it’s due. So I’m appalled at what your daughter’s been told.
In addition I’ve found that young people who are encouraged and praised tend to work harder and believe me hard work usually means better results. Ps I have a honours first degree and a masters so could be classed as an academic.

There are lots of universities that make allowances for different types of student, for example like your DD who may underachieve due to health issues - I'm not saying she WILL, but I'm not sure how much what she missed at primary will affect her.

But also, uni straight after school isn't the only pathway to the job you want. There are many routes, uni after A Levels is just usually the straightest. My best friend at uni was doing a psychology degree at 48 because she wanted to be a mental health nurse. She graduated at 51, then went and did her nurse training, graduating at 55. She now absolutely loves her job and has been doing it for 10 years with no plans to retire any time soon.

Her path took her decades and is a bit of an extreme example (she had children young, one of whom has a severe illness so studying/working while she was young wasn't possible) but she got to where she wanted to be.

If your DD wants to be an OT, she absolutely can be if she's willing to put the work in.

As for grandma. She can fuck off until she can go no further, and then fuck off some more.

Your daughter's life experiences and want to help others will make her an amazing OT. Its not hugely academic and for the majority of OT students its the placements that are the most enjoyable part, and it sounds like she would excel at that 😊

Wow just wow - sats don't necessarily mean anything. Son had bad sats and has just graduated with a first from Loughborough. There is time for her to discover her strengths and loves and excel. I'd be having strong words.

My own mother was very dismissive of my younger DD's prospects after she had an autism diagnosis at 4. In general she was considered a 2nd class grandchild as she wasn't "perfect" enough for my mother (who had ideas on eugenics that would match Hitler's). As a result of this she had virtually nothing to do with my parents growing up, as I was not prepared to subject her to this sort of toxicity and negativity.

Said DD then learned to speak at 5, went to a mainstream school. Got straight As in every exam she sat at secondary school, went to a Russell group University and has a BSc Hons and a Masters degree. I never tired of telling my mother what a marvel I thought she was and how fucking proud I am of her. My mother died recently. D D did not attend her funeral.

If course I would have been proud of my DD regardless, because I love her and because she has grown into a lovely young woman who would do anything for anyone.

I'd limit your DDs contact with toxic granny and get your husband to explain how bang out of order she was.

I hope your little girl grows up to be a happy, fulfilled young woman, whatever she does with her life. She has been through such a lot already.

Yeh I do think if she sticks with OT ( which she might not being 11 ) she would be great at it. We have been very fortunate to have a great team with physio,OT and SLT. She has cp and had a stroke later on ( part way through year 4 )
she is now walking / talking and doing amazing due the incredible team we had. She is complex cardiac so it’s been a tough ride. Don’t get me wrong she is not any good at football and her dancing skills are questionable but she has so many things she can do ! She is getting stronger and stronger by the day.

wow, hasn't your dd done well to go against all the odds and get to where she is now today - if that is telling, I don't know what is. Of course she may change her mind about her occupation.

Its a shame that grandparents can't appreciate. how far and what she has achieved as their minds are so narrow to only academic studies and not the actual person and challenges they are overcoming to get where they are going.

They could have said - what a great notion to have in your mind to achieve, hopefully you'll get their with the tree grit and determination that has gotten you this far in life