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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset that my partner 'almost pulled'

106 replies

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 12:27

I have been in a relationship wuth a guy for just over 2 years. Its not the easiest as we are long distance and we are both going through divorces while trying to sell our houses.
On Friday night he went out with friends, he messaged yesterday morning to say he had been out until 5am. I jokingly asked if he had pulled and his response was:
'No but I almost did, got dancing with a very attractive lady. I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number'
AIBU to feel upset by this? I asked if that was the only reason and he then said 'OK no it wasn't' but by that point I was quite angry. I said that had he kissed her and swapped numbers that would have showed the intention to form a connection and his only response was 'but I didn't do it did I'.
I don't understand if he just worded the message badly but he seems angry at me for being upset about it. Am I being unreasonable? Its made me feel quite hurt and disrespected.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 02/11/2025 13:31

News flash - I really don’t think he thinks he’s in a relationship with you.

lalalapland · 02/11/2025 13:31

It's a strange thing to ask, did you already not trust him? Asking that as a 'joke' has something underlying.

Regardless... that response is not okay. That behaviour would be a serious red flag to me.

cherryontoppp · 02/11/2025 13:41

was he joking? maybe he’s insulted that you asked the question and is taking the piss?

VictoriaEra · 02/11/2025 14:02

Crazybigtoe · 02/11/2025 12:45

I'd ask your self, why you asked the question?

Yes. That’s what I wondered. Strange question if not previous problems.

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 14:03

Sorry to be clear, he said he was out until 5am whoch he never is, yes I asked if he had pulled but it was clear that I was joking as i added several lauging emojis. I dont think his response was joking. Hes never out that late either.

OP posts:
tragichero · 02/11/2025 14:11

OK, left field interpretation (but it's something that happened to me with an ex). Is there any possibility he is interested in swinging, something like that? And when you asked if he had pulled, he kind of thought, ooh, green light, she likes the idea of imagining me with another woman, I will play into this fantasy a bit here.....

I think it's something people can find hard to bring up in relationships, for fear of their partner reacting in horror, so tho it would be better to just be up front, they often look for little clues instead.

I'd have it out with him. Ask him if he fantasies, maybe about being with other people and telling you/you watching/,being involved even. And was that what was going on?

If so, you can just tell him either to drop it (or join in with the fantasy, whatever your preference is).

If it's not that then he's an utterly disrespectful dick and I would kick him to the curb!

Lavender14 · 02/11/2025 14:13

He's speaking to you like you're one of his mates instead of his partner who he's meant to be respectful of. I think he's been deliberate in his messages and has either told you in order to provoke a bit of jealousy and play with your feelings a bit, or he crossed a line and is worried it will get back to you and is giving you a watered down version of events to get in front of it. My guess is its the former given that you asked him if he pulled which is a weird thing to do in a relationship and you've opened yourself up to an uncomfortable response by making an uncomfortable joke in the first place

Personally I wouldn't waste time on someone who thinks this is a respectful way to act and I'd end it block and delete.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 02/11/2025 14:15

This a not a man of quality. He sounds like a total dick.

Blanketfull · 02/11/2025 14:20

He danced with someone.

You asked a question and got the answer you deserved.

Minniliscious · 02/11/2025 14:24

This seems like a very immature relationship. If you can call it that!

Reminds me of a friends with benefits relationship I had in my early 20’s with a colleague. He knew that I was more into him so I got this kind of immature shit emailed to me every Monday about his weekend 🙄

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/11/2025 14:30

FierceForester90 · 02/11/2025 14:03

Sorry to be clear, he said he was out until 5am whoch he never is, yes I asked if he had pulled but it was clear that I was joking as i added several lauging emojis. I dont think his response was joking. Hes never out that late either.

Edited

It might have been a joke, but it wasn't "just" a joke was it.

People who are secure in their relationship don't make "jokes" like that. Because they trust their partners, and because their partners are likely to be a little offended by the insinuation that they aren't trustworthy.

Evaka · 02/11/2025 14:31

Oh my god, vom. I was in a long distance for two years with current DP before relocating. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like a horny teenager and then boasting that he's been noble. What a twat.

Disturbia81 · 02/11/2025 14:36

Sounds like he’s talking to a mate, not someone he’s with. He’s saying his friends being there was the only thing that stopped him. He’s either friend zoning you or trying to make you insecure. Block the twat

WhyCantISayFork · 02/11/2025 14:39

Wow, quite surprised by the responses here. To me it just seemed like a joke.

Unless you have issues in your relationship I wouldn’t think anything of it?

WonderlandWasAllAHoax · 02/11/2025 14:42

Eurgh. He sounds grim.

It also doesn't sound like you're really in a serious relationship.

WrylyAmused · 02/11/2025 14:54

Personally I think he sounds a bit immature but you sound like you're overreacting.

But around here the thought police are always out in force with extreme reactions.

What (probably) actually happened: he danced with someone, it massaged his ego a bit, he did not in fact do anything even vaguely resembling cheating.

You asked about it in a joking way. He replied similarly, probably partially because he thinks about it in a "laddish" way (this is the immaturity), and spoke to you about it more like a mate than like a woman he was in a relationship with - not to be mean, just being unguarded, and partially because that's how he interpreted the tone you asked him in.

You then took what he said in a way he had totally not intended, and basically accused him of cheating. He (IMO justifiably) defended himself, because thinking about kissing someone or getting their number is not at all the same as doing it.

And then he's angry at being accused of cheating when he didn't, and you're angry because you feel disrespected because it's now more in your face that he could find other people attractive, even though that's normal.

Storm in a teacup misunderstanding to me, on both sides.

IstillloveKingThistle · 02/11/2025 14:56

I think he sounds like a bit of a wanker and I’d be calling it a day.

QuiltPlantCandle · 02/11/2025 15:03

Why are you referring to this guy as your partner? You're both still married to other people and you don't live together. At best he's your boyfriend, but he doesn't sound like a good one of those anyway.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/11/2025 15:07

Anyone who is boasting to you about how they "almost pulled" has no respect for you. If he had been committed to the relationship he wouldn't have entertained the idea of leading this woman on or whatever he did. Still less boast to you after the event.

As a PP said he's likely either trying to end the relationship or trying to wind you up. Either way, it's not good news.

That would be a dealbreaker for me.

AtomicPumpkin · 02/11/2025 15:09

Ask a silly question......

Cinnamon77 · 02/11/2025 15:10

I don't get you being annoyed if he'd kissed her and got her number because that would have shown intent? Surely, kissing her on its own is bad enough?

Are you definitely in a relationship with him? His response suggests maybe the two of you need to have a chat about where you both stand.

caringcarer · 02/11/2025 15:14

I'm sure you can do better than this man OP. Raise your bar and throw him back.

MoominMai · 02/11/2025 15:15

It amazes me how many threads are started by people asking AIBU after blatantly being disrespected by a partner. I mean in this case obviously OP has been since she even said as much as herself that she feels upset and disrespected!

The fact these Qs are still asked makes me think the majority of these women want to stay with these partners and ask the Q to cling onto any opinions other than ‘no’. OP is already going through a difficult time of divorce and trying to sell her home and this is the next man she’s lined up for herself?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

smallsilvercloud · 02/11/2025 15:18

I don’t like the way he’s making you feel insecure by throwing it in your face that he danced with an attractive lady and could of pulled if he wanted to, immature and arrogant, gets a thrill over hurting you a bit but not taking any accountability because he didn’t cheat.
Id not waste any more time on him.

JMSA · 02/11/2025 15:19

I’m not one to say this at the drop of a hat, but I’d end it.
I dread to think of the anxiety every time he’s on a night out. Who needs that in their life?!
And his grumpiness would leave me wondering if he resents me for not pulling her.
All things I could live without.

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