To be upset that my partner 'almost pulled'

[FierceForester90]

I have been in a relationship wuth a guy for just over 2 years. Its not the easiest as we are long distance and we are both going through divorces while trying to sell our houses.
On Friday night he went out with friends, he messaged yesterday morning to say he had been out until 5am. I jokingly asked if he had pulled and his response was:
'No but I almost did, got dancing with a very attractive lady. I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number'
AIBU to feel upset by this? I asked if that was the only reason and he then said 'OK no it wasn't' but by that point I was quite angry. I said that had he kissed her and swapped numbers that would have showed the intention to form a connection and his only response was 'but I didn't do it did I'.
I don't understand if he just worded the message badly but he seems angry at me for being upset about it. Am I being unreasonable? Its made me feel quite hurt and disrespected.

Are you actually in a relationship, or not?

The intention was there despite not kissing her or getting her number.

He has no respect for you and is behaving like he’s single, because in his head he is. Leave and find yourself someone emotionally mature enough to know that none of this is ok.

Tell him to fuck right off.

You have no idea what he actually did with this woman.
Generally cheats minimise their behaviour.
I would expect you are only getting a sanitised version of what happened .

He answered your question. Talk to him as if you have an open relationship…. See what he reveals!

So stop messaging and wondering if you have misinterpreted what he has said and speak to him like a grown up?

If my 'partner' said that, I'd honestly assume the relationship was over, and I'd been friendzoned. I wouldn't consider myself in a relationship any longer.

You are not in any sort of respectful relationship if that is how he feels and behaves.
I certainly wouldn't consider myself in a relationship after such a conversation.
Let him off, you are wasting your time.

Talk to him. You can ruminate over the wording but you won't know.

I read it as :You jokingly asked if he pulled. He jokingly told you he could have but didn't.

I'd ask your self, why you asked the question?

Life's too short for this. Find another.

Are you sure he's aware you're in an exclusive relationship? You're not in one of these "situationships" or "friends with benefits" things?

Because his messages to you sound like how you'd message a mate after a night out, not a girlfriend.

Well he told you exactly how he feels about you and your relationship.

It's not the dancing as such, I go out a lot and end up dancing with loads of random people, including men; it's the mentioning kissing, and getting a number. That is awful.

This. He is boasting to you about how he nearly pulled, as if he wants to win brownie points both for being so attractive to a hot stranger and for being so loyal and strong minded that nothing happened. He's treating you like a mate who he is dying to share this ego boost with.

I'd move on quickly from someone like this.

I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous.
"I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number''
Is that the sort of thing he thinks is ok to do in a relationship?? It definitely shows that he was thinking about it and had the intention.

I don't think he was joking if he seemed pissed off at you for being upset. If he had been he could immediately have said something like "don't be silly, I was just joking!"

"I think she would have kissed me had I let her but I thought better of it as my mates were there. Didn't even get her number''

He should have thought better of it because he was in a relationship, not just because his friends were there.

Look if his friends weren’t there he would have kissed her. That’s the bottom line.

Just tell him you have different ideas on what a relationship looks like and dump him.

You asked him a question and he answered. Obviously not the answer you wanted to hear but why on earth would you ask a partner if they pulled on a night out? You said you ‘jokingly’ asked….. did he respond by joking back with you? If he wasn’t joking then he’s shown what he thinks of your relationship

How often do you actually see each other in person? Does he consider himself to be in a relationship?

You're both still married, why not enjoy being free of men and build your new life of peace and bliss, then only choose to date if a man can demonstrate he will hugely enhance your life?
Does this long distance boyfriend make your life better and fun? If not, just delete his number.

Either

a) he wants to end the relationship but hasn’t got the guts to dump you, so he’s treating you like shit in the hope you’ll end it and he can then act like you’re the bad guy

or

b) he gets a thrill out of seeing much he can humiliate you and is enjoying ruining your self-esteem while you keep coming back for more.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it’s as plain as the nose on your face that he’s doing this on purpose to hurt you. He doesn’t love you, or even like you very much. He probably laughs with his mates about you.

Gah, throw this idiot back

Don't bother discussing this with him. If he had any respect for you he wouldn't have said this. Dump him and move on.

Asking your partner if they pulled, if you’re presumably in a monogamous relationship, just seems a weird thing to do in the first place. Unless you thought the answer might be yes, why would you think about it? I don’t think he sees the relationship the same way as you do, hence being so candid in his reply: he thinks you’re just casually seeing each other and you’re asking him if he pulled because it’s assumed you’re both fine with that.

It does seem like he has different ideas to you about you being in a relationship! You deserve better, block and move on.