To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

Yanbu

We don't have extremely wealthy family (unfortunately!) but have friends who are.

Everytime we see them I just feel a bit speechless by the whole thing

I don't think that you can fully get over it. My DH's brother did very well for himself and his sister married well. They just got so out of touch and I couldn't have a moan like I could to other family, in case they thought that I was hinting for money. What we had to live on per month wouldn't have bought their shoes/handbags etc. I think that they didn't like to discuss what they'd been up to, holidays etc because we could never have afforded it. He also flew his family out to the Caribbean, he regularly flew on Concorde etc. It became polite chatting.

What I find really difficult is DD complaining about her finances. Lately we had “we just can’t afford to go skiing this year” and “we could never send our boys to the same prep as DHs brothers kids it’s just too expensive”. It makes me think DD has forgotten where she came from!

I think kids will have a much better time at centreparcs than Caribbean!

We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This is all that matters.

My in laws (FIL and MIL, BIL and SIL) are all extremely wealthy. Multi-million pound houses, 3-4 long-haul holidays a year, private school, etc etc etc.

Whereas my sister is a single mum on £24k, living in a 2-bed terraced and my widowed mum lives in a bedsit.

DH and I do very, very well for ourselves too, but no where near the level of wealth of the in laws. Most of the time I can overlook it (despite being jealous of the holidays! But we wouldn’t do private school by choice), but it’s actually sad as the in laws have become incredibly out of touch over time, and unable to relate to or have a ‘normal’ conversation with.

This includes things like having to explain multiple times why we’re not doing a holiday they suggest we’d like (safari, Japan, Florida, New York), or why we just don’t move the kids to the private school if we ever have a school problem, or why we don’t get a housekeeper if we’re finding the chores piling up – it goes on and on.

Family and good conversation shouldn’t revolve around money, but sadly we’ve found it inevitable.

It’s even started to leave both DH and I with the feeling that we aren’t doing well enough, or are failing in some way. Which is a completely ridiculous way to feel and I have to keep my head a wobble frequently.

DD would be getting short shrift from me if she started saying stuff like that - don't you tell her?

I don't think your grandkids will compare you less favourably. Doesn't work like that. Obviously they will enjoy their Carribbean springs but are lucky to have family to encourage enjoyment of simple pleasures that are not cash dependent. That is good for their long term mental health, particularly as it seems your DD might have forgotten about those sorts of pleasures.

Yeah, id be telling her how unacceptable that is quite frankly!

I don’t think it’s something you can ever get used to being around.

Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

I just wanted to say absolutely categorically not! Don’t compare yourselves like this. You’ll dig yourself into a hole. If you’re on these holidays and actively thinking “we don’t compare” then that might come through subconsciously in your behaviour and there be a weird vibe. Whereas if you’re just freely yourselves and not worrying in the slightest how you compare and just having fun, being loving, your grandchildren will honestly never ever see you as less, or for that matter ever compare you.

To note, we’ve taken our kids on various different holidays, the more expensive ones they don’t talk about. It’s always been the “cheaper” holidays they ask to go again and talk about to us.

I would say the GC would prefer center parcs I know mine loved going to holiday parks running around and having quite a lot of freedom and the evening entertainment.
My DS in laws are the same their children went to private school hardly ever saw them had child minders/nanny as parents always working.
MIne went to state school I was a SAHM and I have a small house and the house is in a bit of a middle most of the time but when DD in law comes she loves it here as it is so homely and relaxing a completely different to the upbringing that she had. It doesn't bother me at all. I think we are the lucky ones.

silver lining is your daughter has a lovely lifestyle. I’d remind her to feel thankful for that. I hope my kids are more well off than me. Imagine she had ended up with a poor guy with no ambition and her family were struggling. I hope my kids are wealthy and feel gratitude for it.

I don’t think you are unreasonable though, money and its effects is a funny thing.

I think you should focus on the positive: your daughter and grandsons have a lot of security at a time when the British economy is in the dustbin. That’s hugely reassuring. And her comments comparing her own situation with her BiL (who presumably receives the same from his parents but earns more) shows that money is not the route to happiness and that there is always someone richer, so it’s better to focus on blessings and not what we can’t have. It might not be worth pointing that out though!

Imagine how the Middleton’s felt when Kate married William. Just thinking of yourself as Carole Middleton…that should help- she’s fab! 😂

Why would you feel overwhelmed. It's just their house. Ffs

I have relatives on both sides of my family who are very wealthy. One is in banking and the other runs a publicly listed company. They have very public profiles and the wealth is actually sickening.

The disparity between their lives and my own life is extreme. I’ve worried about how I will pay my rent, I’ve been homeless and basically just struggled my whole life.

My cousin doesn’t work and takes trips all over the world to see her friends. They own multiple homes and while I only see glimpses of their world (visits to Lake Como, yachting in the Caymen Islands) - it’s enough to make me feel extremely inadequate.

These people are not like me. One of the families that I was closest to growing up has pulled away the more money they have accumulated. They very much see themselves as above us.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous. My cousin’s have trust funds and the opportunities to do things that I’ve never even dreamed of.

I know I should be thankful for what I have and I am - especially when so many people are struggling. But these people don’t struggle. It is just so unfair.

Smallish children do not give a shit how much something costs. They care about themselves and they care about the people around them.

my ExH earned a lot of money and our kids got to experience a lot of stuff that I never had.

i went on caravan holidays to wales. They went on Caribbean holidays. I didn’t have a holiday abroad until I was 18 and my then boyfriend and I went to Paris. They’d been abroad loads before they were 7.

they fucking hated the Caribbean and still bitch about it now (they are 24). They remember fondly going round castles in Wales with my mum and dad just like I did.

money does buy you stuff. But children don’t care how much something costs. They care about whether they are enjoying it which is totally different.

I understand how you feel and yes it is entirely reasonable.

I grew up around money as I had a scholarship to an expensive school but my parents lived modestly.

The strangeness of it all never really goes away.

But coming from normality is hugely character building. Remind your daughter of that, as affectations of privilege are unattractive and ultimately useless. We only learn from hardship.

Remember; money can be lost faster than it can be made. I’ve seen people humbled by a big change in circumstances numerous times. There’s a lot more to life than holidays and YOU know that. Grace and poise are free. It sounds to me like you have your head screwed on - that’s priceless.

It's natural that huge differences in income (and therefore lifestyle and ongoing life experiences) can make a gulf between people which feels too wide to bridge.

Lots of folk have friendships which survive the gap. Lots couldn't survive it.

When it's within a family you've no choice but to bridge it as best you can.

Some people would be eaten up with jealousy or bitterness over it. And who could blame them tbh. ! Hard to hear about multiple fantastic holidays per year and all the other trappings of wealth, while you yourself are leading a 'normal' life and sometimes struggling a bit.

Wrt to the children's memories of time with you OP - i wouldn't worry. Children don't 'see' or understand wealth until they're a bit older. While they're young, if they think about it at all, they'll think it's your choice to live differently to their other GPs.

When they're older they'll understand. But by then they'll also understand that you love them and do your best by them, have always seen them often and weren't scared away by the difference in lifestyles.

I read somewhere that peoples contentedness with their life means either mixing with people in the same wealth bracket or being financially step up from those you mix with. I think there is a lot or truth in that, if you are an average person living an average life and your family and social circle are hugely wealthy not only would it make the strongest person feel “lesser” but also if your lives are so different how can you relate to each other at all when your life experiences are totally opposed?

It’s not just their house at all as the OP clearly states, it’s their whole lifestyle that is poles apart from her own.

Do you think that your DD looks down on you and her dad and your holidays at Centre Parks? Is she embarrassed about her upbringing and her education in state schools?

I would steer away from the 'they'll hate the Caribbean and much prefer Scunthorpe anyway!' type stuff.

That's a bit juvenile and is just another side of comparison and competition. Which is to be avoided.

totally agree

My DS had a three year relationship with a lovely woman who grew up in a proper huge stately home. Like Downton Abbey, only bigger.

I could explain more but it would be outing.

My DC grew up in a nice four bed semi in an affluent area, but attended the local comp. Since divorce, I live in a tiny one bed cottage by the sea.

The ex GF loved staying over at mine on the sofabed, was always gracious and kind. I just accepted that her family was different from mine. I honestly think you are over thinking this.