To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

Or both, it's not a competition.

Hard OP but just be yourself and open, especially with your daughter.
As others have said, pull her up when she's being out of touch, but in a nice way.

Don't be intimidated by the wealth.

I have a wealthy friend but we talk about everything so she knows how lucky she is and I'm happy for her marrying someone who adores her (just happens to have generational wealth).

Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

I wouldn't give this another thought, they probably prefer your center parcs holidays. I grew up in a privileged family not too dissimilar to your grandchildren. We went to CP every year as well as a nice all inclusive abroad somewhere each summer. My fondest childhood memories without a shadow of a doubt are at CP and it's now the only place I currently go on holiday with my own DS because it's the holiday he gets most enjoyment out of. All that matters is that we're making memories as a family, not how much we spend.

♥️
Exactly.
My memories of my Nan and her house are mine alone. The fact that they are so far removed from anything you would experience in life now make them seem almost dreamlike.

My kids will never experience creeping outside to the freezing outdoor loo and sitting with your nose almost touching the really odd wall paper - the plastic flowers and the knitted loo roll cover lady. Running Coming back into the warm and being told 'Thump the telly as you pass it will you Dear?' because coronation st had turned into nothing but static again 🤣 My kids - they've missed out !

Don’t get bogged down in this . Sounds a bit basic but nothing matters except your health and having the people you love . I know very wealthy people and they are touched by the same tragedies and ill health as less well off .
Every day that I wake up and can walk and talk and have my gorgeous family is a day when I am hugely, hugely privileged.
Money is just money . It cannot buy health .

I agree. This is a route to point scoring and unpleasant comparisons. These people are not aliens they just have more expensive stuff than you . Through marriage and friendship I know a lot of very wealthy people. I am not wealthy but it’s not an issue.
Try to remember that in the same way that you do not seem able to see outside of your own life. They may be the same and that’s ok too. Everyone had their normal but it doesn’t mean we cant do different things or have dinner in a big house sometimes.
Also my dc genuinely like both the Caribbean and caravans for different reasons.

I suspect the ski trip they can't afford would be a catered ski-in-ski-out chalet in Couercheval in half term with kids in ski school daily. So I don't think 5k would cut it 😅

Everyone's financial issues are relative, that doesn't mean they don't exist. She should be able to talk to her mum without judgment (not saying that's what's greening here, but some replies are leaning this way)

Say it louder for those at the back!
Comparison is the thief of joy.

Not read full thread but, your daughters inlaws sound lovely! Looks like they have really properly welcomed her into the family. She sounds lucky to have them when you read all the nightmare MIL stories on here.
I've only ever seen clips of Gavin and Stacey but isn't there a real wealth divide between the families in that? And despite that they've all become such proper friends the inlaws have become family to each other?

Agree, but also don't agree.
Billionaires have robbed the world blind and we should all be angry about that.

We shouldn't be angry because they have something we don't. We should be angry that they are hoarding wealth.

How rude. I totally understand how the OP feels.

I bet your grand children much prefer centre Parcs to the Caribbean. I honestly believe it’s not about money it’s about love and happiness. You gave your children a happy home, you should be proud of that!

My grandma used to buy us loads and spend a fortune but my favourite memories are going to the seaside arcade with my nanna (who had no money) with £5 and an ice cream!

@Glowanna- something that struck me very hard with this - your DD’s PIL are rich. By the sound of it, so is her BIL- but your DD herself is not.

She had been gifted a house, she is mortgage free, they have half the school fees paid for and only have to pay the other half. She does not fund the Caribbean trips and they as a couple (although they have no mortgage and only pay half schools fees at a relatively cheap private prep), can’t afford skiing trips every year. (Skiing holidays can be done for around £7-10k for a family of 4 - and they can’t afford that every year, even mortgage free and paying half school fees.)

You might want to give your dd a bit a slack. She’s married into a very wealthy family and while some of the wealth has come to them, they are still not rich themselves. It does sound like school, even with half paid by PIL, is stretching them thin and your DD is struggling with that. Was it her choice or was there family pressure/expectation to privately educate?

what’s the secondary school plan? This is often double prep fees, so if they don’t have a spare £10k a year now, they will really struggle to pay even 50% of private secondary school fees for 2 dcs.

Your gc will remember how you made them feel. My parents give far more to dd in monetary terms but it's the love that they have for her she values. My in laws give far less in terms of time and money but when they see her they are present and value her.

Your DD's attitude is a separate thing and I'd just listen. As you know it's hard not to compare yourself to others. I get caught up with the green eyed monster occasionally and have to reorientate myself on what's actually important and how lucky we are.

Give your grandkids love and attention, I guarantee they will remember and cherish the memories at center parcs
(Ps for some of us center parcs is too expensive 🙂 )

Exactly my thoughts. It’s OP’s DD who probably feels overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Being (relatively) poor and having your life funded by rich in-laws and knowing full well you wouldn’t have a chance in hell of affording school fees and yearly trips to the Caribbean by yourself would make me squirm. As has been pointed out, not being able to afford a ski trip when you have no mortgage to pay is a sign of either a low/modest household income or spectacularly poor financial management. OP should stop fixating on not being as rich as the other grandparents and cut her daughter some slack.

I have a friend who married into a very wealthy family. She doesn't seem to realise how much richer she now is than the vast majority of people. My life is vastly different to hers.

Or she’s not struggling, but attempting to relate to her DM. I suspect that OP’s DD is well aware of how her mother feels about her family’s wealth, so in response she may be downplaying it and trying to find common ground where there is little.

When our children were younger we took them to France and Switzerland for nearly a month, indulged them in everything they wanted including private water ski lessons on a Swiss lake so you can imagine the cost.
A month later we went to the Lake District for a day out, parked at the side of a lake where they found a huge boulder. For at least two hours they climbed onto it and jumped off, having a wonderful time.
In their opinion it was far better than the holiday we’d had.
Don’t believe they’re having less with you.

I don't think you personally should feel overwhelmed. You are mortgage free, you were very lucky to have had a free grammar education for your DD and you are perfectly fine financially. Your life is great and straightforward. There is nothing to handle. Nobody is asking you to fund a Caribbean holiday for 10 people. You've just been invited for a meal that you don't have to cook/fund/whatever. I've never been to the Caribbean and feel fine about that. Most people haven't. Nobody expects you to take them. I can't see anything about your situation that needs handling.

On the other hand, for your DD, half of 2 sets of private school fees in this day and age is an absolute shit load of money to earn or find. I can't imagine your DD's bills are cheap either with a big expensive house. They must have outgoings that you don't even consider/know about as they live a different kind of life. The school fees are only going to rise (a lot). My water bill has just risen by 20% for the same usage. This type of increase and similar hits private schools and they have to put up their fees. I would feel a bit insecure in your DD's position, unless the inlaws have more spare money than the millions they've already shelled out to house their kids. Because the costs of your DD, her DH and their DCs lives are astronomical - even without needing to pay mortgage. And worthy of stress.

Agree with this. One of my adult DCs' fondest memories is of a premier inn in Wales.

The daughter is in a tough position when it comes to navigating her relationship with OP.

When someone doesn’t like something about you they’ll put a negative spin on it, no matter what you do. She acknowledges it? She’s flaunting. She ‘checks her privilege’? Performative and patronizing virtue signaling. She doesn’t mention it? She’s being secretive and cutting her mother out of her life. She takes a step back from an awkward dynamic? She’s forgotten where she came from.

OP - you’re free to feel however you want about her financial position, but it is what it is. She’s done nothing wrong by having access to wealth, and she doesn’t have to justify herself to you.

It’s up to you to take responsibility for your feelings and decide how to handle them, not her. If you allow those feelings to dictate the type of relationship you have with your daughter and grandchildren going forward, you do however run the risk of creating a self fulfilling prophecy and pushing them away.

Sounds like she has. What do you say to her? Because that's really entitled. Would her kids even be in the school they're in without her in-laws money?

YANBU.

Its not a race to the bottom. Here you are, complaining that your center parc holidays might not be good enough, when many can afford any holiday. Same thing! You are complaining about something that is an absolute luxury.
We always want better, it’s perfectly normal.
Especially for our children, we all try to do the best. And there are huge differences between schools.

‘Overwhelmed’ you mean jealous OP, you are jealous. Be happy for DD and find somwthing else to worry about. Imagine if she had nothing.