To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

I see what you’re saying but it doesn’t sound like they are all ostentatious or unwelcoming. They sounds welcoming, friendly and generous.

You should be proud of your own achievements and I’m sure your daughter still appreciates all your hard work and sacrifices to support her.

“She’s forgotten where she came from” - what does this mean?

Sounds a bit ‘she’s got ideas above her station’.

This is the world she lives in now, and these are her problems.

You should be pleased she’s having a good life - just because you can’t directly relate to her current problems, doesn’t mean she’s lost touch or it’s a problem of some sort.

If your DD is still a nice person I’d just be happy for her.

If she if not keeping her feet on the ground it’s your role as the parent to gently remind her how lucky she is.

There is absolutely no point being jealous of your in-laws wealth. The only thing that your DGSs will remember is how you treated them not what you spent on them. If your home is a lovely place to be and you play and read together etc that is genuinely how you will be remembered.

The kids will remember how they felt not where they were or what it cost. Focus on making happy memories.

Your DD is like most people, her idea of struggling has recalibrated in line with her daily life. Her DHs brothers wife will probably feel the same about some other even wealthier parents at the children’s more expensive school.

As long as they are not like Epstein and abuse their wealth and power

Also this^

We’ve never been as it’s too expensive and the people we know who do go are firmly in the 100k club

MY DS is extremely wealthy, we came from a middle class but not overly well off background, going to a shity comp.

She goes on and on about how she’s ’one of the people’ because of her education. Despite the fact that she owns multiple properties, goes on so many holidays I lose count, only ever flies business and sends her kids to private schools.

I find it sometimes utterly exhausting. I earn in a year how much her DH earns for 1 months work and every penny of my wage is needed. But the ironic thing is I feel relatively well off - nearly mortgage free, holidays and a nice house. None of these things are flash just ordinary. I’m not into designer stuff and it clearly baffles her! She has no idea how often im not telling her stuff as she would not understand and as someone said up thread I would hate to think she thinks im asking for money.

I hear you.

My Gran was a ' proper' Grandma with a pinny and silver waved hair. Her home was cosy but simple and always smelled so clean and inviting. At her knee, I learned to embroider, something I still enjoy to this day, to shell peas, how to lay a fire and make newspaper spills.

I used to go to their vegetable garden with Granddad, clutching a tatty enamel colander in my tiny hands to pick the vegetables for lunch, they always had their main meal at lunchtime and high tea in the afternoon.

I remember the chill of her starched linen sheets, the echo of their outside loo and the fear when I pulled the chain of the roar of the water, the creak on her stairs and the love that was in that house.

I didn't care they had no money, it's the love you remember.

I think it is normal to feel disparity, and also to feel like you can’t relate to issues people have.

My brother-in-law and his wife who are not wealthy, moved to i essence a less developed country where they are the equivalent of wealthy, they have a live in housekeeper/maid, the child in full-time nursery, His wife doesn’t work, and he just works part-time from home.

When they come over to this country and tell us they’ve been having a bad time, none of the other brothers wives can relate. The more polite one sort of roll their eyes, but the others can’t help saying how bad can it be when you don’t work or do any else work.

You don’t have a job, you don’t do any housework, your child goes to nursery, and you think you’ve had a bad time. It really has created a gap between us all.

We love them and they don’t mean it, but the connection is hard.

Money isn't everything. It cant buy your health. You dontt know what's round the corner for them.

People who live in wealthy areas live longer don't they? Stress is a big killer & money also allows for private healthcare. I would rather be rich & ill vs poor & ill!

Then just say so, if that's what worries you. It will remind her to keep perspective - even if she doesn't like it.

So long as you don't let it make you (or your comments) become bitter, I think its fine to address your thoughts full on.

As for grandsons' memories, they don't remember the invoice for the trip. They remember who was fun to be with, who made a sandcastle with them, taught them to ride their bike, ordered double scoop ice-creams etc etc. Centre parcs might even be more to their taste; children think very differently. The worst thing you could do is get insecure and annoyed about everything, as that will taint memories.

These posts exactly op.

Children think very differently and respond to colour and kindness in their interactions, not expenditure for things they probably don't even think cost money (like school!)

She wouldn’t say that twice to me. If she said it to me once, I would march her to a food bank to give her a dose of reality and to let her meet people who struggle to feed their children.

I worked for the railway. We were never skint but we were never well off. Our children now all run their own companies & one is an international celebrity in their field. All can now afford pretty much whatever they want.

Working for the railway we got free (or very cheap) travel over most of Europe & by being careful we could afford better accommodation than package deals.

It was slightly galling when one said the best part of the holidays was the adventure of the travelling. If I'd have known that we'd have spent the whole fortnight on sleepers!

The travel was an educational experience, so much so, that a daughter, at 18, had the confidence to travel from Istanbul to London by train, by herself, Including bribing a Bulgarian border official. I now cringe at the thought but I am still rather proud of her.

Don't worry about comparisons. So long as the children are getting enjoyment from new experiences you are probably giving them more enjoyment, education, and confidence than when they are only meeting waiters and servants whose main focus is on earning tips or keeping their jobs.

This. Tbh I wonder if complaining about not being able to go skiing is a clumsy attempt at relating to her mother. I don’t doubt that she’s very aware of OP’s attitude towards her family wealth.

The fact is that money does buy security. It can buy health, or at least top quality health care. It can buy quality of life, a life without financial stress, and indeed happiness as a result.

Your lives aren’t the same. Where she comes from isn’t where she is, and she doesn’t need to pretend otherwise. Sharing about her life isn’t the same thing as bragging about her life. Putting her in a position where she feels required to navigate conversational landmines lest she offend you by referencing her actual everyday life isn’t conducive to a close or easy relationship.

I also wouldn’t advise lecturing her about ‘remembering her roots’ and ‘checking her privilege’, an account of it being utterly tedious.

The kids will remember how loving, attentive and cuddly you are, not what you spent on holidays.

Honestly I’d live vicariously OP, enjoy the stories, enjoy the people, if they are good company then who cares. I have a good friend who is a great deal better off. We still worry about our kids the same way! I’d maybe pull your daughter up a little about worrying about not being able to afford the skiing holiday……but I love hearing about my friends trips!

A work colleague was saying the same thing the other day. Their DD has married into serious wealth - they were gifted a house in London worth £1.5m as a wedding gift and their wedding was paid for at a swanky private club. He's very modest in comparison - a manual labour worker and his wife a nurse. They often feel very overwhelmed and unable to offer the same things as the in laws do.

The only thing he has said is that he never feels that he has to offer money to them - they help out in other ways ie he's helped shape their garden and has decorated etc.

I think you are doing the same thing that DD is a bit @Glowanna . When you say we can't afford to take everyone to the Caribbean, but you can afford to take the family to Center Parcs (which is not cheap).

Comparison is the thief of joy...

I understand a bit, my dsis married into a wealthy family and had a very expensive house bought for her too. It makes me very uncomfortable visiting when her in laws are there.

Lol. She’s not a child, she a grown woman that isn’t required to entertain virtue signaling.

A privileged reality is her reality. It doesn’t need to be one of struggle in order to be real.

our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

as long as you focus on the kids, and let them have fun, they will fondly remember each side. Even a small house/ flat is fun to experience when you are used to a big house. It's just different.

I'm similar to this. "Comparison is the thief of joy". You just have to be happy for people and what they have and be happy with your own life. That works for me.

Can’t you be happy for her? She’s not struggling or worrying like so many people today. And it doesn’t sound as though she’s cut you off or thinks she’s somehow better than you.

Our DS’s in laws like to splash the cash on our grandchildren but we’re the ‘fun’ ones, taking them fishing, to the park, playing games and going swimming. They can love the Caribbean but also love other things too. It’s not a competition with only one winner.

Zone out of ur daughter moaning about money. I, fortunately, don't know people who are very wealthy but have on occasion had to bow out of things with friends that I just can't afford. Don't think you have to compete. A free holiday to Center Parcs is a big treat.

DH’s family are a bit like this. DH’s brother and sister have both been happy to accept financial handouts for house deposits, cars, furniture, etc. from their parents ever since leaving home for uni, 18 and 22 years ago respectively. DH (middle child) has always found it incredibly distasteful, and so has always declined any financial assistance his parents have offered to provide and was determined to make his own way in the world. To his credit he has, and we now live an incredibly comfortable life, which I personally feel we appreciate all the more for having had to work for it ourselves. When it comes to raising our own DS, he definitely won’t have everything handed to him on a plate either for those same reasons.

OP - don’t be intimidated by wealth. In and of itself, it doesn’t guarantee a happier life.