To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

No it cannot. Near my extended family’s home is another elderly couple and he is in his room, unable to get out and see the world or even the glorious view beyond his bedroom window.

They are extremely wealthy and there is nothing they could buy that would make him any better.

his wife nurses him despite being able to afford carers. She is becoming bitter about being ‘stuck’ at home however no one can talk her into getting help in.

sad what we humans do to ourselves at times in the name of duty and care of a loved one..

Your daughter is lucky to have in laws who support her financially and even feel the house they helped them buy is for both of them. But I agree with others. She best remember life outside this environment t.

As for you, try not to compare. Yu can only give your grandkids love. That's the best you can and are doing. You have no idea how they will compare memories but that is not why you love them so it shouldn't matter that much.
I know to a smaller extent about being the poor one among in laws. I also know that as poor as I am among them, among my own family (and many other people) am very very lucky and they wish they were in my shoes. This despite that I rent as can't afford deposit. I don't have my own car. Life is like that. Some people are materially better than you and others less so.

I think there’s a very, very good change that the grandchildren love the centre Parcs holiday and will have the most fond memories from that trip. Children don’t understand the value of money and what things cost. They do understand fun bike rides & activities like the ones on offer at Centre Parcs. They do value the feeling they get when you hug them & spend time with them.
I had a grandparent that used to give us money, but was withdrawn in showing their love. I had another grandparent who would openly express their love, and birthdays & Christmases were not extravagant. But it’s the time spent with them and the memories that I remember. And the little kitkat they’d leave in the fridge for me when they were away & we were doing their post. Often the little things mean more.

@InterIgnis yes they do. Certainly as they get older @Doingtheboxerbeat yes it often does because it is. The OP just has to reconcile it. My DB has an insane lifestyle even compared to us but I have reconciled it in my head and really don’t care.

It’s also worth remembering - people are envious of the success but they are never envious of the journey. DB has an insane work schedule. My DF was always away. He was often stressed and we often moved. I am away from my family today and tomorrow for work. Early away today and late back tomorrow.

I've only skim read through a lot of replies so might have already been said.

But do you remember when Princess Di used to take the boys to theme parks and macdonalds? Because she wanted them to have a normal -away from all the money- life experiences.

I think you're doing a lot more for them than you realise.

This is us. DH brother is v rich, worked hard for it but it still feels a bit unfair. SiL was a lady who lunches SAHM, they have bought their now adult children houses and have amazing holidays and designer gear. They go VIP to all the big bands, in London and abroad.
They have a lovely life.

I'm the DD in a very similar situation. My family reacted to it very badly at first, lots of "reverse snobbery" and nasty little jokes towards me/about my DH. They felt uncomfortable, but made it my problem. It felt like they were looking for reasons to bring me down about it. They're better now that they've got more used to the idea, but the bitterness still surfaces from time to time, and it still stings. I try to be sensitive and discreet, but sometimes it feels like work not to mention anything about my lifestyle, in case I get a smarmy insult. Nothing will make them happy, there'll always be something for them to rib me about.

Please don't pick at your DD when she talks about schools or skiing. It's unlikely that your comments will "pull her back down to earth". Your DD doesn't sound detached or snobbish, she sounds like she's thinking about her kids. Addressed your own discomfort and take responsibility for it.

With my kids this is entirely true though - we had a very expensive long haul ‘luxury’ holiday last year that they were just not that bothered about (sadly paid for by us we have no rich benefactors in our family!) They speak most fondly about our trips to Wales or the Lakes. My DC love the slides at CentreParcs and would be delighted to be invited there by grandparents. They want fun, to avoid long journeys and aren’t involved in bragging rights about where they go with their friends yet!

Don’t be dazzled by their other families wealth @Glowanna as you can see from your DD comparison is the thief of joy. Just enjoy your time together.

My recent post sounded a bit negative...

What I wanted to add is that I never felt resentful or deprived about my very modest upbringing. It doesn't cross my mind that it could have been "better". I had a great time and wouldn't go back and change it. The problem comes when my family make assumptions about how I see them because they're projecting.

Your grandkids won't prefer their other side of the family just because you go to Centerparcs and not the Caribbean. They will pick up on it if you're anxious and irritated every time their mother mentions certain things, though.

My child won a scholarship to an exclusive fee paying school and through that I met some VERY wealthy parents. I became a single parent and they were all great to me. The problem was I simply couldn't keep up with their lifestyles. A meal out would be easily £100 plus each time (I didn't drink by the way) and weekends away more than £1,000 and this was 15 years ago! In the end the friendships were unsustainable because of this. Sad really.

Put it this way, sometimes as a kid, i had more fun with the boxes of toys than the fancy crap that came in them.

What I don’t understand is how very wealthy adult children don’t help their parents. Although parents, of course don’t want handouts, there must be a way to to share their wealth.
That being said, all DGC want is your time and love.

@Washingupdone What if one side of the family is wealthy (ours) and in the inlaws are perfectly professional but not as wealthy. My MIL and SIL def feel they should have benefited as well as DH. Would they in your world? And if so, why?

I don’t see why the daughter has to help her mum, she’s perfectly well off. My in-laws are much wealthier than my parents, who still are financially fine, my parents wouldn’t dream of wanting some kind of handout.

• Zigazigarrr I was thinking more on the lines of previous posters, one whose grandmother had an outside toilet and another whose sibling was homeless not to the person with their run of the mill struggles. Heaven forbid others should share their wealth which is theirs and theirs alone.

Could you be more specific about what exactly you'd be expecting your wealthy adult child to 'share' with you, and what precisely would make it 'not a handout'?

According to this thread at least, you have a much better time in life when you don’t have money, so clearly they’ve already got the better deal. Besides, they might start forgetting where they came from.

As I said in the previous post to yours, very basics, an inside toilet. I do remember, many years ago in the 60s, a friend of mine received anonymous parcels on her doorstep.

It can make things weird when there’s a disparity, but if the people involved are nice, then you can totally make it work. I don’t think your daughter needs you to remind her where she came from - she’s allowed to feel what she feels. She’s probably comparing herself to people with even more money. You could say something general like, “I suppose it all depends on who we compare ourselves to.” That’s universally true. I agree that children don’t care how much things cost. They care about fun and connection. My boys like camping just as much as big long-haul holidays. Try not to let your insecurity eat away at you. And take heart that your daughter won’t have to struggle as much as she would have had to without all this help.

I'm pretty well off but other than buying stuff for my DM, which often she hates, there's very little I can do. People really do not want their lives dictated to by their kids. There's a lot of pride involved and you have to tread carefully.

I do think in the OPs case, she can remind the DD that she's in a privilaged position but other than that, it's all a bit difficult as everyone involved are indeed adults.

yanbu to be overwhelmed, it sounds like the in laws are nice welcoming and generous people though, that don’t “look down” on your situation in anyway.

that said I’d be pulling up dd on her comments. I consider us to be relatively well off (no mortgage, decent detached house) yet skiing is firmly off the affordability agenda. I only know one family that goes skiing!

Who says they didn’t? Or that they didn’t at least offer?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing, there’s plenty wrong with being treated like a cash cow as in Barbie’s case. On one hand she’s looked upon as a bad person that needs to be cut down, yet they actively feel entitled to be provided with the thing that apparently makes her that in their eyes.

Ime sharing with people that have that mindset doesn’t tend to make them appreciative, any less resentful, or inclined to treat you better. If anything it further fouls an already unpleasant dynamic.

Very weird. Where have all these people with outside toilets suddenly appeared from? The OP didn't mention anything like that, or needing secret little care packages. Strange connection to make.

As for me, I've had to learn how to politely shut down conversations with friends and family, both close and very distant, when they've started to hint at me for big gifts or free rent. It's embarrassing and exhausting. Obviously I'd help out a family member who needed urgent help - as we all would to the best of our abilities - but you'll hopefully forgive me for prickling at the idea of being the one who is always called upon to "share".

I understand you feeling overwhelmed but please don’t ever compare yourselves unfavourably to these people. I find that kind of wealth is pretty obscene and the entitlement that usually goes with it is very unattractive. And it’s all so tediously predictable, like these people only ever do the cliched things that are expected of them - fancy cars, expensive schools, skiing, holidays in Barbados - yawn! Can’t they think of anything more interesting to do with all that money?

Dunno where we are on the wealth scale compared to your rels but my daughter (8) is lucky enough to have had both Centreparcs and Caribbean holidays and I'm quite sure she sees no qualitative difference between them and jumps at the chance of either! Kids don't see the world the way we do.