To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

The kids will love CenterParcs as long as you are relaxed and fun. They'll love the Caribbean, too. My Dc loved long haul holidays to hot places (c/o ILs) and also love camping. I love both, too. I love Michelin * food, I love campfire food.

You say the family themselves are lovely people. And they sound socially welcoming and friendly. So relate to them, not their house or holiday options.

And gently take the piss out of your dd when she moans about not being able to afford expensive schools - 'hark at Cinderella - and you had to go to a state school - the horror!'

I think I would feel the same as you OP. Myself and DP are piss poor. If DD or DD married into money, I think we would just have to accept it. Mind you, both DP and I have serious health issues, so maybe we couldn’t care?

I can understand why that's difficult, but the thing is no matter how much we have we always want more don't we?

There are people who would think that complaining you can "only" afford to bring your grandchildren to Centre Parcs is ridiculous because they'd never be able to afford to do that!

It’s about the time and care you have for your grandkids I think not what you can materially give them. My fondest memories of my grandparents (who didn’t have a pot to piss in and never left the UK all their lives) are of them teaching me to cook, sew, garden or identify wildflowers and animals depending on what skills they each had. The best gifts are the thoughtful ones not necessarily the most costly. Money is not the be all and end all by any means.

Well if it helps, I have been to the Carribean and I have also been to Centreparcs. And I loved Centreparcs in a different way and have booked to go back.

My Granny was also poor (not that you are) but I never realised as a child because she loved me so much and spent time with me and made me great food. Her home was just love.

It's hard not to compare but your grandchildren will love YOU not things.

Definitely not Caribbean business class but my DS's have been going on holiday since babies they have done a fair few places and different types......if you ask them what their favourite one is they will both tell you it's camping in Scotland and jumping in rivers!

I can understand why you feel the way you do but as they say comparison is a joy thief so don't put yourself through it! Enjoy spending time with them as they are

What I find really difficult is DD complaining about her finances. Lately we had “we just can’t afford to go skiing this year” and “we could never send our boys to the same prep as DHs brothers kids it’s just too expensive”. It makes me think DD has forgotten where she came from!

This is about odd as surely they could have bought a cheaper house or got a small mortgage for more disposable income.

I would push back on her moaning though. It’s a bad look to be so out of touch.

The Middletons aren't exactly your average family and seemingly not exactly squeaky clean either.

Kids remember who was nice to them and whose house was a nice place to be. If that's you, they'll love you as much as their other grandparents. None of my grandparents were wealthy but one pair were miserable sods and the others were lovely and their little house was always full of warmth and love.

My parents did well for themselves compared to their parents and I went to private school etc. - I really think spending time around people who weren't well off at all did me good and kept me connected to the real world. I mean, I didn't actually like spending part of every holiday in a chilly council house (because it contained the awful grandparents, not because of the house), but it did me good.

And kids love Center Parcs!

As long as they don’t like to lord it over you, I’d just be glad the grandchildren and your child now has proper security

I'd say this too.

I'm a bit more financially stretched nowadays for various reasons, but thanks to DH and his family we are very solvent. My parents basically said that they are glad we are secure and it meant they worry less about leaving anything for me when they die. DH heartily agreed and so they in their retirement indulge themselves to the max and we are pleased for it.

I also think take comfort in the fact the in-laws are very generous, so many don't share the wealth!

I know how you feel. My sisters in-laws are well off and have helped them to buy a big house in the country recently. And the in laws live on a big farm with land and horses, and my sister's two boys get to run wild there and have quad bikes and ponie and dogs and all sorts and now they'll transfer that to their new country house.

Meanwhile, we are treated like shit because we can't pay for things.And so in my case, my sister is a user. I'm not saying that's the case for your family obviously. But I think this sentiment of possibly not being good enough and being overwhelmed and not being able to fit in or match up is really tough.

Money isn't everything. It cant buy your health. You dontt know what's round the corner for them.
Enjoy your life, you are still rich to alot of people around the world.
Think what you have, not what you haven't.

I’m strangely in a similar situation to your daughter.

All I can say is memories of your trips etc will not be lost at all. Your DD likely enjoys CP with you as much as the Caribbean… I know I do. Because you’re HER parents and she bloody loves you you silly sausage. They’re not comparing you…

My parents don’t have the money my in laws have… but the gifts they get us are always carefully and lovingly chosen, the events we go to are always fun and my mums cosy house feels more like home than my in laws ever will.

I grew up in quite a big house and have a big rambling country home of my own now. My widowed maternal grandmother however lived in a tiny house in Fulham. The ground floor of a town house. An outside loo, no central heating, fridge in the living room ect. Bricked over garden out back over the old air raid shelter. When i stayed with her she'd take me to the fulham bath house - and the pie, mash and eel shop.

I can transport myself back there now - the permanent smell of peas cooking! The dark corridor from front door to 'scullery'. Her weird little telly with a coat hanger ariel. The constant planes going over. The big eiderdown and sheets and blanket bedding. So heavy you could hardly move under them! The old fashioned wall paper. The tiny old fireplaces with electric bar fires in them. And a big tall old gas cylinder heater thing half way up the hall.

I LOVED staying there with her and those memories are precious. I would not have charged a thing!

Our DS married a lady from a wealthy family. We used to take DGS away in our caravan. The boys are now adults but always talk about their memories away with us with lots of laughter. Even as adults GC remember time with you and not how much money was spent.

Excellent advice.

Be grateful for the wealth which will give your DD and her family comfort and security. If she seems to be forgetting how lucky she is perhaps she should spend some time with people less fortunate.

So why don’t you pull your daughter up when she makes these complaints. Sounds like she’s got her head in the clouds and needs a good reminder of where she came from.

Lately we had “we just can’t afford to go skiing this year” and “we could never send our boys to the same prep as DHs brothers kids it’s just too expensive”. It makes me think DD has forgotten where she came from!

Smile politely and reply with
" that must be disappointing, is there another area you can cut back on and save for skiing the follow year?"

I don't think there is much else you can do.

It’s really important not to get bedazzled by wealth. It’s just stuff at the end of the day. I had two grannies one more wealthy than the other. I much preferred the less wealthy one I have such fond memories of her, the other one was an old boot.

I wouldn’t worry about the holidays - we go £££ skiing and to a £££ five star sunshine resort each year and my DD’s favourite holidays to date are 1. Center Parcs - she’s obsessed with the place 2. A holiday with me and my mum to a hotel in Newquay which should be condemned, no exaggeration and 3. A cheap as chips Whitby break with my friend and her daughter. Your grandchildren will have amazing memories of your holidays with them, I’m sure.

Eh? I'd be delighted that my daughter (and grandkids) are set for life. Relieved. Good job. That's it.