To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

You are not being unreasonable -- "how you feel is how you feel....it is neither right nor wrong, it just "is"' (quote from my therapist).

In all my life I have lived with tight finances always looking for ways to cut costs and always limited to budget holidays. My wealthy American girlfriend paid for things for me over the years - flights, meals, hotel bills. It was somewhat hard to accept, but she was so gracious in how she offered it to me. When my marriage ended 5 years ago, circumstances happened where I was suddenly well off financially. I now live with situation of being the person able to pay for things for people who have less money than me and them finding it difficult to accept it. I find is so FRUSTRATING. I have everything I need and want and I know they can use my help. I know exactly how they feel, but it isn't my 'fault' that I am well off.

Your DD in-laws are gracious and kind in their gifts to their children. It surely brings them a huge amount of pleasure to be able to share their wealth with those whom they love. You too are being generous in the ways that fit your financial circumstances, taking them all to Centreparcs is surely a big thrill to your grandchildren. I know it is hard, but it is important to work through what is at the bottom of your feeling so uncomfortable - it seems insecurity might be a part of it.

I recommend you find a counsellor to talk this through with if it really is getting at your happiness/wellbeing. I think you can and should get to a place where you chuckle and say 'wow, my daughter has landed on her feet financially' -- happy for her, aware that life can throw ugly surprises which money cannot always fix.

My mum had no money, whereas my PIL were quite wealthy.
But what she did have was unconditional love and warmth for her grandchildren … would happily take them to the park, to the supermarket cafe, sit and read them a story at the library. In contrast, my in-laws were quite formal. Although they took us away for a couple of weekends to a posh family friendly hotel and Centre Parcs, what my children have the fondest memories of, is just hanging out with their Nana!
Money is great, but giving time and attention on an unconditional basis is worth so much more to children!

My best childhood memories are actually doing low budget/free stuff!

My grandparents on one side were very wealthy. The other set were barely getting by and my BEST childhood memories are from spending time with the latter. Eating my fresh home made treat in an enamel bowl, my grandfather making me sweet tea, going to the vegetable market with my grandmother, making paper boats to sail in the rain etc. So no your grandchildren will not look upon you unfavourably, because the flashy stuff is not what really counts. With your DD, I know she’s an adult, but she’s still your DD, so you can still show her the wood from the trees.

That's really unattractive and tone deaf to the realities of 90% of the population. I'd be so disappointed if that was my daughter.

I think money can easily destroy peoples relationships. No one needs therapy to cope with their feelings if wealth and the trappings make people uncomfortable. My own in law family I have experienced it with comparisons about a London life with private education second properties exotic overseas holidays etc etc. Moaning about being skint because they can’t afford extra weekend to New York when owning multiple properties. Most people who are wealthy don’t make others uncomfortable by bragging by pretending to be skint in that sense. I cope with it by distancing myself.

Spending time with your grandchildren is all that matters and what they will remember.

My DHs family are very well off, and we outright own our own home because of it. My side of the family is not so well off. But my children are just as happy at a caravan or a cheap Airbnb with my side, as they are going to luxury villas and extremely fancy restaurants with my SIL or MIL. They understand one granny buys them extravagant gifts and one granny buys them lots of little things, but they love both equally with no judgement

I can tell you those memories are held dear and will be a constant reminder to give balance to her life

Don't be silly. Comparison is not going to help and just sounds like u have a massive chip on your shoulder.

We're not wealthy but have lots of different holidays, from a weekend in Haven, two weeks in the Maldives all inclusive or just a bog standard all inclusive in Spain.

The destination my DC who are now teens talk the most about is Centre Parcs.

I wouldn't worry about comparisons.

This. My kids absolutely prefer the cheaper low key holidays we've had. And when it comes to family relationships they remember how their grandparents made them feel more than what they did. My kids fondest memories of their grandparents are of picking the tomatoes from the garden, trips to the beach, making jam tarts walkimg up a hill. They've had some high octane days out too but those ones never get a mention.

Every year we all stay in a bunk barn type place with cousins and grandparents, go walking, maybe kayaking and play games. They LOVE this so many memories.

We went on a European beach holiday this year, theme parks etc - they loved it but it 100% wouldn't trump a family holiday with everyone larking about together. The memories of the sheep chasing grandad, someone falling in a river etc always stick in your mind more as a kid than a nice hotel ime and money can't buy that.

I do understand what you mean tho, that level.of money is really something else and is bound to be divisive, sadly.

I know you think this is really easy to say but I promise you the grandkids will love CP as much as the Caribbean. My ex husband family are incredibly wealthy and my children love the things they offer them, but they love visiting my family in Cornwall too in a little cottage! The holiday they talk about the most when they were younger is when we camped altogether with our NCT lot for the weekend in Hertfordshire! And they had been to Barbados and Cannes and lots of other abroad holidays! It's about people not things I promise x

My DiL comes from a wealthy family. We are solid WC, comfortable only due to getting on a bit and having fewer expenses. I'm Nan. Dils mum is Granny. Granny buys lovely gifts, has started savings accounts for DGC and takes them on expensive days out. I see them every day, collect them from school and hear them read, look after them when they're sick, watch Peppa Pig on repeat and take them splashing in muddy puddles. They love us both.

This sounds tough, it’s hard to not constantly compare yourself to wealth if it’s very close to you.

we are lucky to be able to take our kids on multiple overseas holidays a year. Without fail, they ask every summer when they are off to Haven with their grandparents, and the Isle of Wight with their cousins. Destination is irrelevant- it’s the time and the bonding that matter, promise!

Focus on doing the things you love with your grandkids and don’t overthink it. Comparison is the thief of joy!

No matter how rich you are, there’s always someone richer. We have a lot less money than my son’s in-laws, but a higher income than my daughter’s. It doesn’t bother me either way.

I come from quite a prosperous family, not in the league you describe but we went on holiday to America in 70s as young children which wasn’t the norm at all. We also went to private schools including boarding schools.

We did love Disney etc but my brother and I both treasured our Whit week holidays with a group of mums and children at Butlins Filey. Honestly it was just the best! Our accommodation was determined by the budget of the least well off that year so one year we had a chalet with no toilet or bathroom, there was a communal sanitation block for those rows 😂. We never reached the dizzying heights of the chalets with colour TV, central heating and carpets even though we knew of their existence, as children we couldn’t give a shit.

I bet your grandchildren will adore Centre Parks, although as an aside, are you sure it will be cheaper than the Caribbean? 😂

I’ve never been because I nearly fainted at the prices.

If I started bemoaning the lack of a skiing trip or private school fees my Mum would be telling me to get a grip, she grew up in poverty and we certainly didn’t grow up in luxury, my parents worked hard and provided everything we needed but there was no holidays bar the odd trip camping.
In my experience my children have always liked doing the cheaper things, their favourite holiday consists of a cabin on the beach where they spend their time rock pooling and rummaging. They ask to go every year and yet there is no mod cons or tons of money spent on it.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, I would try not to be intimidated by it and hopefully your DD will stay more grounded.

Well, to be frank my darling, some people can only dream of holidaying in centre parcs, so, you're doing ok, relatively speaking x

My brother married into a wealthy family and has benefited hugely from it. So have a couple of friends.

What’s hard from the outside is how quickly they forget that, frankly, luck (as well as love) have put them into that position. My brother in particular seems to think he’s made it all on his own, conveniently erasing the significant help he’s had, and looking down on people who have less.

Three things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that nobody ever thinks they have enough money.

At least you can afford a holiday to Center Parcs OP. Just adding a wee bit perspective.

This is what I was about to say - everyone makes different contributions to their grandchildren's lives. Perhaps one side of the family is very sporty or the other very arty or scientific. Perhaps one side is gorgeous looking and the other very clever. Or one grandma or grandpa has time to spend with the children or gives money to start them. Everyone has something to add, something to give.

I’d just be happy my daughter and grandchildren were benefitting from it.

It’s time to feel a bit overwhelmed, so long as you’re not jealous. Your DD’s in law sounds like lovely and friendly people (my db would NEVER invite my in-laws to dinner), your grandDC will love you for who you are, DC are not bought by expensive holidays – they will love both sets of grandparents.

You can't help how you feel, it's natural to be overwhelmed sometimes but hang on to the important thing - you said yourself they are lovely people. That's what matters. So are you!