To find DDs in-laws level of wealth overwhelming at times

[Glowanna]

My DD is in her 30s, she’s been married for 8 years, has two lovely little boys. When DD got married her in-laws gifted them the money for the house. This is in London and the house ended up buying was almost 2 million, no mortgage etc.
When her DHs younger brother got married they did the same for him and his wife. It’s always been very clear that if they divorce it gets split, the house was a gift to both etc. her in laws are lovely people.
Now her two little boys are enrolled in a private prep, her in-laws pay half the fees, DD and her DH pay the other half. Her in-laws also take all of them (her DHs brother, his wife and 2 children) on holiday every April, usually the Caribbean, always in business class etc. I can’t imagine it’s a cheap trip.

On the flip I’d say we are rather ordinary. We are now mortgage free but like most people spent many years paying it off. We state educated our children, they went to grammar for secondary. Right now in retirement we are fine, we take all the family to center parcs once a year but definitely couldn’t afford all inclusive at a fancy resort in the Caribbean for 10.

This week we went to visit DD for a little while. Her DHs brother and his wife invited us over for dinner one night, they live in this massive detached house in what I believe is a very nice part of London.

We just got home and I’m feeling really overwhelmed by it all? I understand that rich people will always exist and that as a result their children always benefit but I’ve never really been this close to crazy amounts of money before. Sometimes I feel like we just don’t compare well, that our center parcs holidays will be lost in the memories of April in the Caribbean for our grandsons.

AIBU to feel this way? Has anyone experienced similar? How did you handle it?
You’d think 8 years in I’d be used to it but I’m just not!

I find this a bit shitty. You feel overwhelmed by the wealth but can’t imagine your daughter may feel the same? And they probably feel less than for not affording the more expensive prep, just like you do for not affording the Caribbean. Honestly going to CentreParcs and taking them all is fairly privileged so maybe she’s similar to you?

In terms of the grandchildren, you absolutely should not worry. My parents are relatively wealthy, and my MIL is very much not. But my children very much love them equally, and have lots of rituals they love when they are with her (eg baking and decorating particular cakes with her, or doing a day trip to a theme park together, but also going to a 'pick your own' farm every year, and going to the woods to pick daffodils and build huts), and when we are with her, she spends hours actually playing with them (eg reading when they were younger, but now they are older she will literally spend hours playing various board games, hangman etc). And they are very much aware of this, and absolutely love it - no less than my parents who are also good grandparents, and much wealthier. There are also some 'money can't buy things' they get with her, like they play with the kids who live on her street, and she has other nephews and nieces they like to spend time with at her house.
So you need to stop comparing, NOT be apologetic, but focus on building rituals and traditions. I read somewhere that this is what children remember most about their childhoods. It's perfectly possible that the other grandparents take everyone to the Caribbean but then spend most of their time their at the bar or reading the paper.... !

And as concerns the holidays, my children have travelled a fair amount, and out of everywhere they have been, their 2 favourites are : South Africa (hard to beat safari, to be fair) and.... Wales!!! (we went during Covid, when we couldn't go elsehwere!). So the exotic destinations are not necessarily the best, it's about what you do there!

Finally - I agree with the other poster who says wealth is and feels relative. If your DD is surrounded by even wealthier peers, she may not feel that well off - in London, amongst prep school parents, a 2 million pound house is nothing out of the ordinary. Though if the mortgage is paid off, if they have decent jobs, I am surprised she is feeling the pinch that much!

If you can’t have a moan to your mum, who can you moan to?

Very British way of thinking though OP, crab-bucket attitude at its best!

This children with absolutely cherish the Centerparcs holiday memories! I bet they have more fun at them. I would probably feel uncomfortable around this too though. Just remember than money really isn’t everything!

I don’t think YABU as it does sound like they are very wealthy. However, I’d bear in mind that your financial situation is very comfortable relative to lots of families. For example, my parents could never afford to take us all away unless they suddenly came into money (god knows where from), and they’ll likely never be able to buy a house. It would be a huge thing if they paid to take us all for a meal, never mind a holiday. It sounds like you’re all generous parents/in laws just within your means. It’s not a competition and I’m sure they are all grateful for what you give them.

My in laws are wealthy (though not at all to the extent you’ve explained, such as helping with house deposits for houses worth £200k not buying the whole house at £2m) whereas my own family have no money at all. Every bit of help whilst so gratefully received has come with terms attached and “after all we’ve done for Xx”. Whilst they’re on the whole lovely, they’re also very snobby, out of touch with reality and have zero empathy it seems for people less well off than themselves. I call it out every single time I hear it because frankly it’s offensive to me and my family. So I understand you being upset by your DD being out of touch with reality. I asked them to go to an Asda to look for something for me once and the comments comparing it to Waitrose…🙄

The truth is though that they have 2 grandchildren whom actually seem to prefer to spend time with their other ‘poorer’ relations. Yes my DD likes to go to the big house and use the hot tub etc, but she wants to spend time with the grandparents that take more of an active interest in her, will sit and play and adapt from their routine for her, and be more on her level. She much prefers that my DM always has Fruit Shoots and mini chocolates in for her as a treat over the quails eggs ‘treats’ in the ‘richer’ fridge. At the ILs Christmas is always dictated by what we ‘should’ be doing when, as opposed to the kids just being allowed to be kids, so actually my DD seems to prefer being squashed and bustled in the far too small for the number of people there houses of the other GPs. My ILs travel every 6 or so weeks, always business class and usually long haul (just one of their holidays cost more than my annual salary) so they’re never on hand to help out (and they’ve made it clear they don’t want to, totally fair as they shouldn’t have to). We were once very kindly offered an abroad holiday but to a completely unsuitable for kids place and it’d all be on their terms and not at all child friendly, so actually we and BIL and families both ended up declining. You’re making such amazing memories by going to a child orientated place with your GC. The fact you pay for a CP holiday for your DD who, by the sounds of it, is extremely wealthy is so generous and won’t be forgotten by your DGC. I’ve never been to CP!!

DD is in a lovely private prep and we travel very well. She finds beach holidays a bit boring and ALWAYS talks about our trips to CPs… Sorry, not the point I know, but please don’t minimise your contribution to their life, you’re every bit as important to them as their other GPs.

Money cannot stop you getting cancer or anything like that or getting knocked down by a speeding car.

Everyone has the opportunity to earn money here, so if you want it go and do what those that you admire are doing, and make your own.

My cousins had a rich grandparent that would spend tons taking them away in the school holidays abroad. She would sneer down on the rest of us poor lot. I recently asked my cousins about their childhood holidays and they can't remember much of any of them.

My favourite school holiday memory.. Being in the kitchen of my great grandparents council house whilst they were peeling their homegrown shallots. Eyes streaming then they started laughing hysterically because they couldn't see. My younger brother and I then started laughing because they were laughing, then they started laughing at us and we were all hysterical. My brother and I got put in the garden whilst we all gathered ourselves. It still makes me smile now and they've been gone 10 and 25 years now.

To say the best memories can be the ones that are spontaneous and don't cost the earth. You'll be surprised how much your grandkids will remember of you

Very similar set up here @OpalPandas, minus the house deposits.
My kids openly prefer the grandparents that make time for them, and that’s more than likely due to them making themselves available for the kids, while the others are almost permanently circumnavigating the globe.
They also have no hesitation in calling out any out of touch comments or laughing at them being ‘famous in the local Waitrose’ 😂😂😂
I have wealthy family members; they are the same as they’ve always been, other than the amazing houses and lifestyles. Even so, I agree with OP, I’m left feeling much lesser somehow.

Not the point but if they are paying 0 mortgage and only 1/2 tuition fees and presumably saving sweet FA into pensions because... inheritance. Yet cant find 5k to go skiing thry must be earning cock all or be totally unable to manage their finances.

We live in london and would have an annual 60k net surplus if we had the same help and thats before reducing pensions and savings (factoring that in i'd say closer to 100k NET which i find mind boggling to consider)

Next time she brings up her financial hardships I'd be inclined to highlight if they sold the 2m house and bought a £1m 3 bed they could very very easily afford skiing every year and the same prep as BILs kids...

I’m in a similar position to your daughters. My in laws don’t sound as rich as yours though!

It’s a cliche but money truly, truly doesn’t matter as much as time. It has occurred to me before that the in-laws do get quite a lot of time with us because they’ve treated us to a lovely holiday. And then I feel horrible, as if they get more because they’ve paid more. But it’s because they’ve taken us somewhere amazing that we wouldn’t be able to afford ourselves.

but money doesn’t matter as much as time. Just try and spend as much time as possible with them and be helpful in other ways.

Yabr to feel overwhelmed but yabu to think their memories of luxury holidays will be more valued than others. It's the memories, so fun around a log fire is just as wonderful as a carribean skyline. Comparison is the thief of joy so please don't compare, you've been fantastic parents and that's the most important thing. Money doesn't buy memories, it just offers a different place to experience them.

As a child I have much more fond memories of being cosy in a caravan than at a posh hotel. Xxx

Perhaps those who can't afford to take their families on holiday at all, or even get a foot on the housing ladder, (never mind be mortgage free), consider you to be out of touch with reality, OP?

Some struggling families might think you not being able to come to terms with 'only' being able to offer the family Center Parcs instead of the Caribbean is a non-issue.

The only thing that will ever matter to your grandchildren (and daughter) is how they feel in your company. No amount of money can buy love or laughter 🤷🏼‍♀️

Exactly, I live a comfortable divorced life with my cat, I have mid stage Parkinson’s at 63, 9 years in, affects me daily, mobility and poor energy
i can and never will be the granny I want to my 3 year old grandson.
My parents better off than my exs family, I had hot med camping, they had butlins ☹️and expected me to do crap holiday camps , I didn’t stayed with dog ( nearly divorced).

Money cannot stop you getting cancer or anything like that or getting knocked down by a speeding car.

I never said that @Netcurtainnelly but money can give you less stress, more time to recover & potentially faster treatment. Are you disagreeing that poorer people have a shorter life expectancy?

Wealth or lack of it is relative - as both you and your daughter are finding out. I find it a bit odd that you seem displeased with your daughter for expressing that she cannot afford certain types of holidays or schools, when you are doing just the same here by saying that you feel you compare badly to her PIL because you cannot afford Caribbean resort holidays etc. Something to consider.

I have known people who were very very well off, but felt badly off because their jobs were to provide professional services to the super rich. They seemed poor in comparison, which is objectively nuts and insulting to people who are really struggling, but most people compare themselves to the people they mix with, and not the destitute or billionaires.

It's best not to measure your own or others' worth in monetary terms because there will always be someone richer than you, so does that mean they are worth more than you as a person? Of course it does not. Have confidence in yourself and the love of your family. That is worth more than any amount of money!

Finally - I agree with the other poster who says wealth is and feels relative. If your DD is surrounded by even wealthier peers, she may not feel that well off - in London, amongst prep school parents, a 2 million pound house is nothing out of the ordinary. Though if the mortgage is paid off, if they have decent jobs, I am surprised she is feeling the pinch that much!

Even in the majority of London preps it's not the norm to have a 2m mortgage free house & help with fees.

Yeah that’s crazy - to think she lives in a multi million pound house and has the cheek to say things like that.

I think it would help to name the emotions you're feeling, as 'overwhelmed' isn't giving a true picture of your feelings. Are you sad, angry, anxious? Then look at what specifically makes you feel that way?

Centerparcs looks fun. Wish we could go - my DH vetoes it as too expensive, so it's Haven or similar for us. Kids still enjoy it, especially the tacky arcade, so we're quid's in, I think.

You all sound like you're doing fairly well tbh. I think this really is a case of "Comparison is the thief of joy". Your DGC are very lucky kids and it sounds like all their grandparents bring love and laughter and fun to their lives, as well as money and expensive experiences. Maybe you should focus on that - my DC have one set of grandparents who live at the other end of the country and one grandad who is quite unwell so can't do much with them.

Focus on finding some experiences which are the special things that you do with your DGC. My brother doesn't mind playing mini golf with my son, whereas mini golf makes me want to chop my right hand off so I can't hold a club, so he takes my DC to the local mini golf when he visits. You don't need to spend more, just find your "thing" that you do with your grandkids. Could be sticker book and cake in a local cafe, whatever. Money can't make up for putting the time in and listening to them.

Can you imagine what Kate Middletons parents have thought over the years!

If they are coming to center oarks every year they are obviously enjoying your gift as much as the Caribbean. Some of my best experiences in life are free, stop worrying.

You are over thinking it. The ILs sound generous and welcoming. I'd be happy my DD and grandchildren are financially comfortable.