Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

My daughter was married to a man who already had two children from a previous marriage. We treated them exactly the same as our son's daughter, and they called us granny and grandad. They split up and we haven't seen his kids since

I don’t think your MIL is a cunt though, at all.

Just say no. It’s not okay.

Yes, I think five is quite young to go abroad to a theme park without a parent, even if it’s only a day trip and several adults are accompanying the children.

DS wouldn’t have wanted to go away without me or his dad at that age, even with his granny. Might your five year old not want to go, OP?

I'd never expect my inlaws to pay for my children to go on a holiday. They treat my children with so much love and respect, buy them gifts etc but they of course don't treat them all the same, because they are not.

But you're well within your rights to say your youngest can't go. Though what a shame for her.

This. MIL can want to do it and you can say no.

Just don’t entertain the drama. She takes both or neither. No big deal either way. Maybe she can wait until your youngest is a bit older and take them both then. Not sure why your dh has his head in his hands over it

The 5 year old is too young to go all that way without parents. Its a no from me. Is there any possibility you could save up for a year or 2 and take both your kids to Florida? (Without MIL)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with MiL wanting to take her own grandchildren on holiday. There's also absolutely nothing wrong with her not considering your daughter as her grandchild - because your daughter isn't.

Just because your husband decided to marry someone who already had a child it does not mean his family suddenly have to pretend they've acquired a new grandchild and feel the same about said child as their own actual grandchildren and treat them exactly the same.

How you negotiate the problems with step children is up to you and husband and you are the ones who have to make the decision on what to do and deal any fall out, because you chose to enter such a situation.

MiL has done nothing wrong.

Yes, quite.

*assuming they are going to Florida. Or even if they are goingbto a closer destination it would still be a NO

Denying the younger child opportunities to spend time with her paternal family for the sake of her sister can also damage the sibling relationship.

By the sounds of it your husband doesn’t agree with you and isn’t going to make her relationship with his family contingent on his stepchild being treated as something she isn’t to them. It isn’t the fault of your in laws that your eldest doesn’t have a relationship with her father and paternal family, and it isn’t on them to step in and assume those roles for her.

If providing DD1 with this was important to you, then this wasn’t the family to marry into. Only one of your children is their grandchild, and your children are not and never will have the same when it comes to their respective paternal relationships. It may not be what you want, but it’s what you’ve got, and all you can do now is come to terms with that. You can’t unilaterally prevent your DD2 from having a relationship with them if your husband wants her to have that, regardless of whether you stay with him or not.

i think this response is perfect, obviously you are not going to let a five year old go abroad without you, obviously you won’t be leaving your other child at home. Thanks for the offer but not possible in our circumstances.
I also think MIL is an absolute cow bag for putting you in this position and that would be noted for evermore…

My MiL barely left the house other than to go to work and to babysit for three years following the very, very sudden death of FiL.

Her own sister could not offer any support or even come to the funeral because she was nursing her own husband, initially through delirium following an operation then dementia.

Now BiL has died she had her wingwoman back and MiL has her mojo back and is now in a very good financial position. The Paris trip will be MiL and SiL and 9 children. SiL and cousin’s youngest, 2 and a few months old won’t be going. These women are 62 and 65, they are not old women and are capable.

Youngest daughter was told about this trip by niece and MiL did say to husband she was sorry she hadn’t told him first .

My eldest has asked if we’re going.

Husband has said youngest has to go as his eldest is going anyway and he wouldn’t deprive her of the trip.

I get that our core unit is what matters but if we stopped her going she would blame eldest.

My family are always willing to include stepdaughter. She has no real interest in them.

Two of my cousins invited her to their weddings. She declined one and had to come to the second as her mother was working. She was polite but only interested in dancing with husband and complained about sharing hotel room with my eldest.

This is not unusual, in my experience

I think it's reasonable to expect in laws to eg buy Christmas and birthday gifts. But ok not to have the same level of commitment as to a birth grandchild

That’s really sad. Can’t fathom why a grandparent would segregate like that. 9 year old will be upset at not going and 5 year old upset at not going. No good outcome here. Your DH should address it with his mum.

Your husband does not get final say on this. You have three children between you. That’s your family. They all go or none go. Surely it’s not that big difference in price.

If you are happy for your youngest to go than you and DH take your eldest away somewhere while they are away? You can't control other people, but the way you react to this is far more important to your daughter than anything her step gran will ever do. She needs to hear the message from you (and DH) that she matters, much more than she needs to hear it from step gran.

I don't follow what you meant by your husband sitting with head in hands before going to optional work.

And also I really would not be comfortable sending a five year old abroad without me. Especially in a big group

I don’t think the OP was invited

It’s absolutely not OP’s full decision.

DH can decide to send his eldest. They both need to decide for their shared child.

So your stepdaughter isn’t interested in having a close or sisterly relationship with your daughter either?

FWIW, I have one child and three stepchildren. My mother often takes my child, her grandchild, on days out and will take her on little holidays when she’s old enough. Is she a cunt too?

I meant they should be on the same page, their three children between them should be treated the same