Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

I’m slightly on the fence overall, but using the ‘DS has to go because her sister is going’ does not work when the other sister is not going.

I see what you mean.

Although the sister who isn't going hasn't been invited!

I think the only way all three must go works really is if both op and her Dh where going.

Because then it would be wrong of either parent to leave one of their children out while taking the sibling on a trip such as Disney.

I doubt op or those people saying all or none of their children would be going, would actually care if her or their mother took both her or their daughters away and not her step daughter.

Which is where the double standards come in that dh’s mum should not take both his children in some people’s eyes.

This is a granny taking her grandchildren not taking ops household on a trip since the parents are not invited. At that point it would be wrong to not include ops daughter if she herself was invited.

What a tough decision. I can kind of see everyone’s point of view a bit. I hope at least you can limit your pre and post Disney conversations about the trip a little bit when your eldest is in earshot. Maybe that’s all you can do.

I know - this is heartbreaking. Poor kid. OP desperately wants all children to be seen as exactly the same when they aren’t. Her step daughter wants reassurance that she is still lived by her dad, her eldest daughter has been rejected by her biological dad and her mum is trying to pretend her step dad is her real dad and no one is happy.

Blended families are hard - but OP doesn’t get to make the rules for every member.

Blended families are hard - but OP doesn’t get to make the rules for every member.

I think that's the thing.

Even if her husband was a fabulous SD you can't expect anyone else to follow suit.

Op's husband's eldest doesn't live with him full time but can't seem to have time without not only her younger sister there, but also Op's daughter, both of whom live with him full time.

No surprise that she doesn't like Op's daughter really!

This is such a common thing with so called blended families. Two people with children get together and they think everyone should feel how they do about it. Life doesn't work like that.

MIL is not a cunt because she doesn't treat a child like a grandchild when they are not her grandchild.
SD is not a bitch because she wants time with her dad and her family without her stepsister always there.
Youngest daughter is not wrong for wanting to be included with her dads family even when her half sister isn't.

Of course it would be nicer and easier if everyone saw things the same way and were all happy families together. But they don't and they're not obliged to because of your family choices. OPs elder DD needs to be taught resilience and that families are different and that it's ok. Not that her mum is having constant hissy fits because she can't control everyone else's feelings and actions. It's so unhelpful.

I feel very sad for the DSD and I'm glad her grandmother is really listening to her. She seems to have one adult that isn't trying to shoehorn her into a situation she is very unhappy in.

It's also good that the Dad is standing firm and saying his youngest DD should go. If he didn't she would probably resent the eldest DD even more. I don't buy the argument that she would stand up for eldest DD, I think that is unrealistic and naive. Deep down it would just sow another seed of resentment that would further isolate eldest DD.

It's a very sad situation all round but I think the OP has to shoulder a lot of the responsibility for setting up her eldest DD for disappointment and heartbreak. It's very clear from her posts that there is a level of resentment towards DSD, whether she consciously acknowledges it or not. It plain to see in every posts despite attempts to counter it with reasonableness.

As for the eldest DD, I feel very sorry for her because she's been sold the lie of the magical blended family replacing her missing dad. It was always a shaky ground on which to build her sense of security and has now come crashing down. That's on her mum I'm afraid, no one else. You cannot abdicate that responsibility to other people such as MIL to sort out. That is deeply flawed and unfair.

Personally, I think if eldest DD can access some counselling it would be beneficial to help with her processing all this. She really needs an outside perspective to help her work through this mess.

Has it always been a bad relationship between your daughter and dh daughter?

I agree with your points about MIL, DSD and younger DD for the most part. But I don’t agree with your comments about OPs eldest DD. Eldest DD is not lacking resilience because she’s found this particular episode difficult to process. She’s 9 and it doesn’t sound like the child herself has been throwing strops about it, she has admitted to feelings of sadness to be missing out privately to her own mother, which is I think is natural and a normal way for a 9 year old to work through feelings of disappointment, OP even says she’s been putting a brave face on it. So I don’t think she’s lacking resilience at all based on the information we have. The adults are kicking off sure, but they were doing that before DD was even told, not in response to her being told. I guess one could say she has no right to even feel disappointed but I think any kid would be in her shoes given the opportunity on offer here and sounds like she is trying to take it in her stride.