Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

Yes a poor child stuck between 2 half siblings and the mess that the adults involved have had in all of this

It’s what we knew all along. Nobody sees ops dd as family not even her dh.

Dsd resents her mere existence inlaws side with dsd.

I do agree though Dsd should have already been getting time with her sister without your child. I don’t see why she hasn’t ever say had a granny day with her sister as it’s been clear to everyone for years they don’t accept your child so it should of already been easily explained to your daughter why them two are having a day together. Much like she gets nearly everyday them two.

of course your dd is upset. You as the parent have let her believe this fairytale of a dad and his family. What she got was mums husband and his family who tolerate her. That is on you. In the quest for a daddy you forgot to actually make sure he and his family would be one. The frog stayed a frog.

But was it a quest for a daddy? Surely as far as OP’s DH and his family is concerned, it was a marriage. Not an adoption.

I do think this is an underlying issue on all these threads, especially when there’s no father or paternal family around. The woman seems to have been hoping/assuming the new partner and his family will automatically step in to take the place of the missing paternal family. Crucially, apparently with no one ever actually having this conversation beforehand. Instead, the new in laws are pleasant, include DSC when they are around, not to the same level as DGC; they think this is fine, but the OP has other ideas, and expected full integration and for them to take DSC fully as their own, chaos ensues.

In this particular case, I think it was naive with OP’s stepdaughter already in the family, to think the eldest would be taken in as their own.

I think op wanted a daddy with family yes.

She was just too blind by her love of him to see that he was just a husband who would be kind to her daughter but a daddy he is not.

It’s a recurring theme. In step families as you say especially when the biological father and his family are not involved. The new man and his family are expected to pick up the pieces and if they don’t are seen as worse than the own father who did abandon his child on here and by the mothers. Which is bonkers a kind male role model is still far better than the waste of space who completely existed their life.

In this case it’s ended up with currently two unhappy older girls and a younger one placed slap bang in the middle of the drama.

i did not go looking for a Daddy for my eldest.

I have done nothing but try and integrate my stepdaughter in my family and my mother always remembers her birthday and sends Christmas presents.

She has lots of time with her father alone often at the inconvenience to everyone else.

Three years ago she saw her dad for the first time in three weeks as she had been at a family wedding, they settle down to watch a film with little one on her knee and when my daughter went to sit down SD asked her to leave as this was her time. Obviously she was jumped on for this but it set the tone.

I have one daughter who is estranged from her father and his family, I don’t want another one and would not stop my youngest going away with her family, now she knows about the trip. DH is her parent too, he wants her there.

We have never lied to our youngest, she knows that her dad is not her sister’s. I don’t know what posters who think I should stop her going are thinking. If I used the argument that her grandmother was mean to her sister she would naturally think that her sister wasn’t her grandmother’s grandchild.

Those saying she will turn on her grandmother because she didn’t treat her sister the same as her grandchildren, I think are being naive. She might, but I think it’s more likely she will just think that she wasn’t her granddaughter. She isn’t stupid.

DH does see her as a member of his family and I bet if you asked MiL she would say eldest was also member of the family but not a grandchild.

MiL has never been rude to eldest when we are round there.

Anyway I am done with her.

Frankly I wouldn’t be letting anyone take my DC (especially not under 10!!) abroad without me or their DF being there. I think that’s insane, quite frankly. Many here have posted saying it’s irresponsible. You’ve made your own bed here. You’ve decided to bow over to whatever DH wants instead of saying no - you are the mother of this DC and it is absolutely your decision who can or cannot take her passport and whisk her away.

It is not my sole decision, she has a father. My problem has never been about safeguarding it’s about having two small daughters being treated differently and a family not having compassion towards a child who while not being a grandchild/niece is nevertheless integral to their actual granddaughter/niece’s life and who has been made genuinely unhappy about this.

@GeorgeClarkefan but what have you done to make sure the two step siblings have been integrated because isn’t that the root of it all?

Your post kind of sums up the issues you were so focused on the need being the extended family acceptance that the fact your SD didn’t need integration into your extended family has passed you by - she has two families she doesn’t want or see the need for a third so none of that matters to her.

what is important to her is her time with her father and the problem is resentment is there (on both sides from your post) as to how that will work and it is clear not so much work has been done on improving that relationship

which has left your poor MIL in the middle of a mess and her priority here like yours is your eldest is her granddaughter a girl from whom the adults have failed to deal with her understandable emotions correctly that the idea of your eldest being seen as one is too much

And that is the first step @GeorgeClarkefan in even remotely making this something your youngest can navigate through without frankly causing her emotional damage. Recognising the fact it is the step siblings bond that has been badly managed by the adults including yourself that is the cause of all of this.

because in some of the descriptions of how your eldest is handling this as well shows me you aren’t going a good job either of explaining to her exactly why this is happening either all the crying etc

They all go on none of them go I’m sure that’s incredibly unpopular however that would be my stance. Fuck her. The mother-in-law that is

And your stepdaughter the other actual grandchild and niece and her feelings?

look like it or not you are so focused on your eldest you can’t see the bigger picture either which is that there is always for your youngest going to be differences in BOTH of her siblings and you have to work out how to navigate that because it seems close to the edge of resentment being so ingrained on both sides

My stepdaughter is not the root of this, my MiL has no interest in my daughter. They are a close loving family who are only interested in their blood relatives.

I don’t think my youngest will give any thought whatsoever about the relationship her two half sisters have with each other.

I have of course explained everything to my eldest.

kittywittyandpretty They all go on none of them go

I have no control over my stepdaughter going. She has two parents and I am not one of them.

As for my youngest, her dad wants her to go with his eldest daughter, his mother and the extended family. Even I think she has a right to do this.

If I could stop this, the argument even to my five year old, that she couldn’t go because her grandmother won’t include her sister just wouldn’t wash.

Even at five she would have sufficient critical thinking skills to recognise her grandmother isn’t her sister’s grandmother.

Nobody can predict what my five year old will think if anything, about my eldest’s position in the in-laws’ lives as she becomes older.

@GeorgeClarkefan I disagree I think the way you have all gone in with this has created that - the issues your Stepdaughter has are in most of your posts you just I think are holding on to it not being that because the version of truth you are projecting means it was always going to be this way rather than accepting your part

blood relatives are going to be the priority. You prioritise and talk constantly about two daughters and two sisters and see your stepdaughter as an adjunct in all of this and in your life. Your priorities and interests are your blood relatives.

so no proper integration has been done so your DH family have the same priorities but with their blood relatives

which is awful for your youngest who is at the centre of this venn diagram but not great either for the other two girls

and ALL the adults in this are responsible for creating a Venn diagram and not a circle

I think your MIL is trying to make up for the fact your SD has had your eldest 'forced' on her. Almost out of a sense of loyalty. I get the impression that if the two elder girls had clicked and were best friends then MIL would happily embrace your daughter too.

It's a shame for everyone but your marriage has not magically created a sisterly bond between two young strangers and I'm not sure it ever will.

You can't deprive your youngest kid because oldest is not a blood relative. She will resent her older sister if she misses out.

I know a family where the older child went to Lapland for a week with her father and grandparents, the younger child from a different father stayed at home.

So the 8 year old comes home and tells the 5 year old all the fun she had. The 5 year old was understandably upset that she had missed out but it wasn't her family. That's all there is to it.

At the start of this I totally agreed with you, but the more I thought about it, I'm leaning towards the other way.
I think your mil is stuck in a no win situation and the root of this is her oldest granddaughter.
There is def resentment there and it doesn't seem to have been resolved. If I was the gm, I would def be choosing my blood grandchildren.
It's all very sad, especially for the children.

I don't know if it's the root, but clearly there's significant resentment on the part of your DSD in which she has involved MIL, and that you weren't aware of the level of it until you were told.

While I think this trip is an impractical idea on principle, setting that aside, it's actually pretty easy to see how DMIL has been put into a difficult position here through the actions of others. The decisions made by DH in particular have led to DSD being forced to deal with a living situation where another child gets more of her father than she does. DMIL has evidently been one of the pressure valves for her. Neither party had any agency in the matter.

Really I think there has to be an emphasis now on allowing DSD that time with her paternal family, without the child who she sees as being in her place. It's good that you're willing to accept the two girls having time together that doesn't involve DD1, I think it'll be beneficial.

I 100% agree

And I totally understand that you are always going to care more about the feelings of your daughter than your step daughter. But it's highly hypocritical to then criticise your MIL for caring more for her granddaughter's feelings than her step granddaughter's

Three years ago she saw her dad for the first time in three weeks as she had been at a family wedding, they settle down to watch a film with little one on her knee and when my daughter went to sit down SD asked her to leave as this was her time. Obviously she was jumped on for this but it set the tone.

I feel quite sorry for your SD there tbh.

So DH’s youngest has to go because her eldest sister is going. But your DD can’t go even though her younger sister is going?

That’s non sensical.

That’s non sensical.

Not if it's the paternal GM who wants to take them.

@diddlgenerally I don’t think half sibs all need to do the same thing. But he is using different rules for the dc. One isn’t allowed to go without her sister, the other is.

That’s a piss poor reason to use. I’m slightly on the fence overall, but using the ‘DS has to go because her sister is going’ does not work when the other sister is not going.

I wouldn't want my 5 year old going on this trip regardless of the blended family issues, but I presume the distinction is that one set of sisters get to live together and see each other all the time. Whereas the other set don't, and one of them gets told off for wanting some time just them when they've not seen each other for several weeks.

The whole thing is nonsensical because there are different rules and expectations and their are 3 girls (3 not 2) stuck in the middle of all of this

but @GeorgeClarkefan is part of the nonsense she has in part created this but creating a two tier hierarchy with her stepdaughter and not recognising the impact that would have

ALL adults IMO are to blame for this mess and the MIL is just trying to navigate it with having to balance the needs of her granddaughters

bexuase yes the OP stepdaughter should be ok with the eldest coming the fact she isn’t is because of the OP

@GeorgeClarkefan
"Obviously she was jumped on for this"

• OP - what does jumped on mean here? What did you say to your stepdaughter three years ago?

Surely that would make her want to spend time with her sister and father even more, if she was prevented even for a movie??