Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

Well I don’t consider my step granny’s and step aunties and step cousins family. In fact they are called by their names rather than step or not step anything. Only my step parent gets a parent name.

On a day to day basis they don’t cross my mind and tbh apart from large family gatherings where I would invite family I might not of seen in a year again they don’t cross my mind and I’m pretty sure the feelings mutual.

I wouldn’t let the youngest go. No way would I have my other child missing out like that.

No to one going no to both going was my point.

Of course she gets a say on her own child 😂 I don’t give a stuff what her DH thinks.

Well legally both her and her dh get to decide not just her.

She can’t just say no anymore than he can just say yes. unless they want a divorce.

See my eldest gc has 2 younger brothers. I don't see them as my grandchildren. I politely ask after them but that's about it

This is quite confusing. There are three children here?
Her DH had a dd when they met (the now-14 year old). OP had a dd (who is now 9. And they've had a child together, who's now 5?
14 yo >going on the trip, regardless.
9 yo > not invited
5 yo > invited but OP and her DH disagree on whether she should go or not.

That sums it up.

Well I’m glad you’ve realised that he doesn’t call the shots. He’s unlikely to go to divorce over it.

This thread demonstrates extremely clearly why some women stay in entirely unsuitable marriages. Because they do not want the fucking HORROR of potential step families for their children, as demonstrated on here.

Damage was caused by the errant father and that side of her family. I am not hearing any pressure put on them to step up, but a DMIL is being called foul names for not treating her the same as her DGC. She is not DMIL’s DGC.

We have no indication whatsoever as to what sort of relationship, if any DMIL has with DD1, but if nothing else I hope she is kind to her when they have contact. Anything beyond that should be seen as a bonus and come from their relationship developing rather than something that is expected or demanded.

Well yes divorce is unlikely. However unease in her home is likely. While her DD is likely to continue to be left out and the younger sibling will blame op and that half sibling for not getting to do cool fun things with her other half sibling and fathers family.

So op and Dd still lose.

There is the alternative of being on their own with their DC.

Exactly. Men and women can still date and have sex without having to try and create these blended messes.

Put their children first.

The only person you need to speak to is your mother-in-law. And that is to say none of the kids are going if the eldest isn’t included.

That’s lovely, and completely your prerogative.

My DM will be leaving a very large inheritance, and nothing is going to DSC, unlike DC. That’s also absolutely fine.

There are no rules. Best to be upfront about these things before you blend families if you’re going to get upset down the line about how your child from a previous relationship is treated.

I see my 2 DDs not going with a twit of a MIL to Disneyland as a win.

Perhaps your DM will surprise you. People often do.

And when her youngest hears all about this big fun family trip for years to come as Disney holidays tend to go and finds out she was invited and dad was happy to go.

That leaves op to blame for her missing out. Then op has to explain that well your other half sibling who’s granny is isn’t wasn’t invited so I said you can’t go. Then she just has to hope she won’t resent her and her dd for that and other future things she misses out on.

Rather than blame the deadbeat for deadbeating in the first place. Because this doesn’t tend to come up as an issue when there isn’t a deadbeat.

So if I’m correct:

step daughter (DH side) 14

Your daughter: 9

joint daughter: 5

so your daughter has known his family since she was four?

your MIL isn’t being kind, but based on a couple of comments of step daughter complaining about sharing rooms with your daughter OR refusing to come to your family events (fine and acceptable), is it possible that she has complained to MIL about getting “lumped in” with your daughter and she doesn’t want her there….? Just because kids live together, doesn’t mean they click and some siblings are even like that. I think MIL shouldn’t exclude one single child, but if her granddaughter has made comments before about not enjoying staying with her or sharing a room, it may come from there? Still not right, but explains a lot?

also you and your husband arranging for your mum to have your daughter and your “joint” daughter, then him choosing to drop your joint daughter off with his mum, as oldest stepdaughter decided to stay round is unacceptable. I hope he listened when you told him. Your mum was expecting two granddaughters and he basically deprived her of time with your youngest. It sounds like adding this to other examples, supports my view that step daughter gets her own way with his family (and DH) a lot…. it could be a dynamic from his EX (competing with her over trips or relationships step daughter has with her new kids/family) but whatever the cause, it needs nipping in the bud. Don’t make her take your daughter but definitely plan something else with your 9 year old. Stop inviting his side to her things, they clearly don’t care about her if we’re honest.

Of course she won’t. She doesn’t view them as DGC because they are not.

How are they planning to get all those children that aren't theirs through border control? I was questioned travelling with my own child because we happen to have different last names.
Not the point of this thread, I know.

Ah well if it’s that op then why the hell is she surprised.

This is not a blended family. This is not a step family.

This is.
Op and her dd’s
dh and his dd’s
op, dh and their joint dd

His family only see family as son and his DD’s and always have and always will.

Sorry but just because you have a blended family doesn't mean your MIL also has to treat them all the same.

My husband has 3 grandchildren and 4 step grandchildren. We can't possibly treat all 7 the same when it comes to big things like expensive holidays, house deposits etc.

We absolutely treat them the same for babysitting, family get togethers, going to McDonalds, xmas and bday etc but there is a limit.

There have been threads on here of the biological child of both parents, years later as an adult virtually going NC with their DM, on finding out how much their DM vetoed them spending time with their DF’s family, because their elder half-sibling from their DM’s previous relationship (always with no DF in the picture) was not included to the same level.

Yup. I’ve never hated or been angry that my sibling did things with their family or got more from their family than I did.

I would have been pissed however if my parent stopped me doing things with my family because of them.