Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

Your mil is a shit person to do that to a child. I would not let my youngest go, your family is more of a priority than your mils desire for her 'own' grandchildren to go on a holiday.
There's a special name for an adult who would exclude a child.

If you are married then your oldest daughter is your husband’s stepdaughter and his Mother’s step granddaughter - that is very mean of her to exclude your oldest daughter and I’d be telling her where to stick her holiday to Disneyland, she doesn’t take either of the children. Stick up for your eldest daughter and treat both your daughters equally and fairly otherwise your eldest will remember this forever.

Perhaps. But the adult in that situation should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. I’ve been that child. Hence, I would never, ever visit that on any child, ever. And if you as an adult do? Shame on you. The “blood” argument is trumped by the “being a good person” argument. Some people however don’t care about that. IME that will revisit them, in spades. I do not think that being a shitty person ever pays dividends, in the end.

Husband would be going without the hobby trip to pay or I would be taking our long term savings or it would be a no to them all going in our house!

Well no, not perhaps. It simply isn't the case that DD1 is a grandchild by all but blood. Neither of those things are true.

Which doesn't mean this isn't a shit plan, and I've said more than once I wouldn't send my 5 year old.

Said as if blood inconsequential when it demonstrably is not. That you place no importance it doesn’t oblige anyone else to feel the same.

She may be a child, but she’s not her stepfather’s daughter, his daughter’s sister, or his mother’s grandchild. The failings of her own paternal family are not their fault, and it isn’t on them to assume those roles. Trying to force it can also create tremendous damage.

It doesn’t sound like OP has ever been under the impression that her daughter was or would be considered their own, yet she chose to marry and have another child with her husband knowing full well what the situation was. That’s on her.

How will it revisit them? People always advise OP in this situation to pull back with their elder child completely, as if that’s a punishment for their actions, but they didn’t see the child as their DGC and didn’t want to spend extended time with them anyway, so what loss is that?

Really, this is the reality of blended families. There’s tales like this weekly on MN.

I wouldn’t let a 5 year old go without me in any case. If you don’t have concerns about 2 60something women and 9 kids of different ages, you should.

So it would be a no to both going and get your DH under control.

It’s the expectation. Ops expecting someone else to fund and treat her child.

It’s always the way in these posts. Women has child with deadbeat with shitty family. She moves on with another man. They have a child together. She expects his family to pick up the pieces for her child’s shitty family.

In this case the man also has another child which adds an extra complication here because his other child will be going regardless. Dad has no issues with 5 year old going either. If she doesn’t go the op will be blamed. The 5 year old even if it’s when she’s 10 will hear all about how she wasn’t allowed to go because of her older on mums side half sibling, while her other half sibling and cousins got to go.

All the man’s family owe is politeness, Christmas gift/card and the same for birthday.

Women need to stop expecting new men’s family to pick up the slack for their deadbeat ex’s.

How’s op going to stop her step daughter going that’s laughable.

Jesus, you talk about that child like she’s a….vase? Whomever is at fault, it’s not the child, she has had no choice in any of this. How do you think she feels to be excluded? Wouldn’t it be best if all the adults in her life acted in her best interests? If the adults were, you know…..adult, and did the right thing?
There is literally no scenario in which I would I exclude a child in my immediate or wider family in this way. Blood be damned, children matter.

Hang on…weren’t you the poster with the wedding invite disaster a few months ago? Honestly this man has taken on enough. You need to stop thinking it’s his and his family’s job to fix it all.

It’s not her SD at issue. It’s her youngest with her husband and her eldest with another man, it’s her eldest who’s NFI.

No way on earth would I be letting a 5 year old go abroad with 8 other kids only supervised by 2 adults. Forgetting how they’ve treated your eldest DD (which is awful) the safety issue is enough of a reason to say no to your youngest.

Agreed.

Well her eldest isn’t invited in the first place so there is not stopping her going.

Her youngest she doesn’t get only say on. She shares her with her dh and his happy for her to go.

Who with any heart would exclude a 9 year old? Awful

Someone who doesn’t see it as deliberate exclusion.

Rather I wish to take my grandchildren.

Not I wish to exclude ops child. Ops child just doesn’t register since she’s not a grandchild.

Just like she presumably won’t be in any wills.

Much like yet again another poster who’s mad her joint son? got a whole house while her son who’s just hers is a drop out. She’s mad about her one son getting help. Expecting others again to sub and replace her deadbeats.

Well from her PoV your elder DD is not her close family. It’s hurtful for you but I can see her point.

Not best for them, no.

Their lives don’t revolve around her best interests. They don’t take precedence over the best interests of their actual child/grandchild who doesn’t find the ‘all in’ blended family model to be in any way an attractive proposition (even if you do).

OP is the one who chose this for her daughter 🤷🏻‍♀️

She is a child, you are an adult. If she “ doesn’t register” that is about you, not the child. What kind of fully functioning adult doesn’t register a child?
And yes, my step grand daughter absolutely features in my will! She is FAMILY.

Yabu

The situation isn't going to change.

Your older daughter needs to get used to the dynamics.

But your younger daughter and older one will have very different lives as they get older.

It's just life.

It's no one's fault.

But I think you need to change how you see these situations and frame them for your older daughter.

You don't want her to get a chip on her shoulder and become bitter as she gets older.

Or someone who’s had previous experience of losing ‘stepgrandchildren’ who were only in their lives because of a relationship, and whom they would never see again if that ended.

My parents adored my sister’s stepchildren, and have never recovered from the abrupt end of that relationship — he cheated, and my sister didn’t even get to say goodbye to the children, who were with their mother, and too young to be able to contact her independently, and of course my parents never saw them again either. She’s now happily married to a man with children from his first marriage, but my parents are afraid to love them freely.

Yeah I think there are multiple threads with family issues.

I think Op needs to change how she frames these situations for her older child and how she reacts to them because the family are not going to change their behaviour or how they treat older child.

And doing that will make the younger one resent the older one in future if she misses out on everything her cousins do because her elder sister has a different dad