Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

9 children between 2 adults abroad at the craziest, busiest and most distracting place on earth and you don’t think it’s a safeguarding concern??

OP, come on now. At no age would I think I was capable to safely care for 9 other children with the help of only one person. Certainly not going on a plane, round the airport, and absolutely never walking around a busy amusement park. That’s absolute bloody insanity.

You are the child’s mother and have a say. Your DH doesn’t get to just decide your joint child can go because his child from a previous relationship is. I would never be comfortable with this before even considering my older child being left out.

Agree this sounds like a very impractical plan.

My family are close, DC have always spent a lot of time with GPs and some of them were still in their 50s when mine were 5. I would still not have wanted my 5 year old going abroad with them and not us, even if the plan was less batshit.

This 100%. Have they even thought this through

I agree.

And I live this situation. My in-laws pay for my children when we go out for dinner even and I always offer to cover it. I'd never expect them to pay for a holiday for them.

It's so entitled. Pay for your child to go. Presuming she already has two sets of grandparents; it's not your in-laws responsibility.

Not even her grandchildren would call her ‘Nan’, my child calls her by her name.

My youngest would be the youngest going. Stepdaughter is 14 and there is a couple of girls probably same age or a bit older. People mentioned safeguarding. I don’t have any safeguarding concerns. I am familiar with the work of these two women. Trust me.

My husband and sisters-in-law knew from MiL about the proposed trip. Husband admitted he hadn’t thought about the ramifications of it or even knew that eldest wasn’t invited. The daughter of eldest sister-in-law told my youngest.

I have to tell my youngest she isn’t going which I don’t think will ride with my husband or tell my eldest she isn’t going and her sister is. Neither of us could stop stepdaughter going. Sophie’s Choice.

Husband goes on a trip for a week every year with a hobby. Last year his friend was 40 so the night before the trip partners were invited to his party. He was a complete stranger to me. We took two cars and I drove up after work. Before my husband arrived my mother rang me to say he had only dropped off my eldest and youngest had gone to his mother’s. I was genuinely distraught. All he could say was his sisters’ kids were there and at last minute stepdaughter could go so took youngest. He didn’t see anything wrong with this, he kept asking me to explain why I was upset. He seemed genuinely perplexed.

Those saying I could take eldest somewhere for a trip. Last month I was overdrawn and husband had £42 left, which he gave me to go for dinner with my friend. We do have savings but in long term accounts.

Of course my daughter doesn’t think my husband is her dad.

I wouldn't expect het to be included either.

I also wouldn't be sending a 5yr old just because her older sister was going.

On the whole though I don't know why people blend families & then get upset when this sort of thing arises.

Sounds like the president has been long set. Nobody including your husband treats your daughter as actual family.

She’s seen as your daughter.

5 years old is far too young to be taken abroad by anyone without parents there.

5 is too young, would be my get out.

But it'd probably only be kicking the can down the road, as they'll do this again when she's older.

Yes, and nothing OP has said has changed my mind on this point. The most sensible thing would be for DSD to go and the other two stay at home.

My MIL has been asking to take my children abroad since they were younger and it’s still a no. They are a lot older than 5 and still too young. A lot can happen abroad. To children OR the adults in charge. Sickness, injury. I am not able to fly out and be there if it did.

There’s no way in hell I would risk not being there for my 5 year old.

This is so sad. Did you try to retain a relationship?

This.

I'm hoping your DH steps up.

I have to tell my youngest she isn’t going which I don’t think will ride with my husband or tell my eldest she isn’t going and her sister is. Neither of us could stop stepdaughter going. Sophie’s Choice.

I sympathise with the dilemma and the feelings, but using the words 'Sophie's Choice' is tasteless. It's about a visit to Disneyland, not sending one child to the gas chambers.

Personally I would put my foot down and refuse to allow my 5yo to go.

I don’t think MIL has done anything wrong. She is taking her DGC to Disneyland. And if it’s Paris, it will be absolutely fine, it’s manageable.

You win bingo for marrying someone while having a child already, and expecting IL’s to step in and treat her the same as their DGC without any prior discussion. They see her as your child. This is blended families, and you were the one who blended her with another family.

My DM would take my DC away but not SDC. She’s nice to them, but they’re not her DGC. SDC see their other family, but if they didn’t, that wouldn’t put any more bearing on my DM to step up.

I actually agree with this, My Mum when I with my ex actually spent more time fussing about what his daughter would like and going to the ends of the earth for her (admittedly maybe to make my life easier) than my children. She never would of excluded her to the point my sisters wedding was coming up and we weren't sure if we needed one flower girl dress or two.

It is absolutely NOT normal. I have a step grand child. I have always treated her like she’s my own, including taking her on holiday and I would never exclude her in this way. She is an adult now, we have a very strong relationship, and she’s a fantastic person, but she was a child! Why would you exclude her? She’s family, end of.
And no, calling MIL cunt is not way out of line. If I had behaved like ops MIL? I’d be a cunt and I wouldn't have been able to sleep at night.

That it isn’t what you do or what you’re familiar with doesn’t mean it isn’t normal. It is.

She may be family, but she’s not a grandchild to her in laws any more than OP is her MIL’s daughter.

But she is, by all but blood. If you want to differentiate by that? Have a look at yourself. She’s a child! Do you have ANY idea of the damage this kind of exclusion can create? She is a child, she asked for none of this.

What's wrong with 'Sorry MIL, it sounds lovely, but too much for 5yo dd without either of her parents there. She won't be able to go on any of the cool rides, & if the rest of the kids are older it'll just be a drag for everyone involved. But thank you for the lovely invitation!'

I mean, she might be being a cunt, or she just hasn't thought past 'my dgc' & your eldest simply isn't in her mental box as 'my dgc'. But regardless, it's not a great trip for a 5yo with a bunch of older cousins, & I'd be putting my foot firmly down on that basis.

She's 5. She'll have only the vaguest notion what Disneyland even is! Take her (& her dsis) on a day trip to Legoland/Chessington/Drayton Manor instead, she'll have more fun.

Just so you know OP, Sophie’s Choice is inspired by someone in real life who did have to choose.

@Menocandoone "But she is, by all but blood. If you want to differentiate by that?"
But surely that's a big difference, you'd hardly say that OP is her MIL's daughter?
Nor would OP consider MIL her mother?

Your mil is disgusting, sorry!

It's evident in any case that DD1 and DMIL don't view themselves as grandparent and grandchild. The all but blood argument falls down on the first point as well as the second.