Step-daughter versus daughter Mumsnet Bingo

[GeorgeClarkefan]

Hey I have a full house on Mumsnet Bingo, do I win a prize to cheer me up?

1. Eldest daughter 9 abandoned by Dad, doesn’t see his family either.
2. Youngest daughter 5 with my husband.
3. Mother-in-Law wants to take grandchildren to Disney Land so my youngest, my stepdaughter and cousins, not my eldest.

And no we can’t pay for her ourselves in case you ask.

Aside from the fact she’s a cunt as I said further up thread, I still stand by that. But also - who does she think she is to assume that all the parents are comfortable with her just taking their kids off abroad?!

And then telling the kids FIRST. Manipulative move in my opinion.

She knew you would take issue with it (rightly so) and now if there’s any fallout or issue, one goes, none go, then you’re the bad guy.

They should be treated fairly, which isn’t the same as equally.

If one goes to uni and is supported by OP and husband, do they have to give the other, working full-time, the same in cash? If one gets a scholarship to a private school do they have to decline because the other didn’t?

There’s nothing stopping OP taking her eldest on a holiday at the same time because she’s missing Disney. Stopping her youngest going would be unfair and damaging. Telling DH to stop his oldest going would be unhinged.

9 children down to youngest 5 years old (unless there are younger ones)? With two adults. At an incredibly busy, crowded place. What could possibly go wrong?

I wouldn’t let my 5 yo go even if there wasn’t the step-issue.

And for the youngest to find out before you and DH were asked? Cunty cunt.

Agree to disagree. They are far too young to understand the different at five and nine.

Surely a calm and sensible conversation with mil and aunt will sort it out.

I second that

Nine year old is perfectly old enough to understand that step-gran and step-great-aunt are taking away their blood relatives. Unless OP has told her that husband is her dad, but that’s not been suggested.

I think five is too young for such a chaotic holiday without a parent though, so OP has a valid get out clause there.

I think it’s time to be upfront with your eldest. This is only going to continue to come up for her as she gets older. Your husbands family doesn’t consider her to be family. Everyone gets to make that decision and at least they’re being upfront.

I find this so weird. So mil is, at her own expense, taking her own grandchildren on holiday? Your eldest is not her grandchild. Lovely if she treats her inclusively when you are all together but I just would not have any issue with this at all. It’s totally normal. Calling her a cunt is way out of line imho.

Old enough to understand possibly but not old enough to not be really hurt and upset by it. Especially being the only one left out. I don’t understand why two adults (mil/aunt) would do that to a child.

May feel different if there were loads of “step” grandkids but it sounds like just one child is left out.

But I also agree I wouldn’t be sending a five year old regardless. Too many children for the adults to safely manage.

They may consider her to be extended family. They may still give her Christmas and birthday presents and invite her to parties and celebrations. But they don’t have to invite her to everything.

Not the response you’re looking for, but from a practical viewpoint, I don’t think it would work with the adult to child ratio on rides.

Stepfamilies are so nuanced that calling the MIL a cunt is absurd. We don’t know if OP’s eldest even knows the other cousins or the step-great-aunt, we don’t know if she is a difficult or badly behaved child, or one with additional needs.

Two women in their sixties have been through a very shit few years, and want to do something nice with their grandkids. It’s really not OP’s place to decide to invite someone else.

I'd tell her that your five year old is too young to go away without her parents.

Does your MIL generally try and exclude your elder child from family events? If so, is this something that your older daughter has noticed?

Has your 5 year old spent time away anywhere without you or her dad?

There’s also OP’s stepdaughter, who may not consider OP’s daughter to be her sister (and it doesn’t sound like she does, any more than she considered OP’s family to be hers) and could react extremely negatively to them being considered the same by her father and grandparent. They’re not the same.

If it comes down to prioritizing the feelings of OP’s DD1 or those of their actual children/grandchild, then of course they’re going to prioritize their own.

Well, my 5 year old wouldn't be going. Cold day in hell before I would allow this to happen to a 9 year old.

Get yourself away from these people is my only advice. I suspect it will fall on deaf ears and that this poor 9 year old will be treated like shit for the next few years.

OP "Husband has said youngest has to go as his eldest is going anyway and he wouldn’t deprive her of the trip."

So phase 1 of the battle is between you and your husband on whether youngest goes. He doesn't get to call this unilaterally. Or are you happy to support his decision on this? For us, we tend to go with the more conservative where safety is concerned - if either of us is worried then our joint decision is no.

It seems really unfair on your oldest daughter. I think I would have to say NO. You have been with him long enough for her to be included. Stand firm. They both go or no one goes.

I haven’t had a shower or got dressed yet but I will come back.
I do not have any concerns about safety.
Chaos is not in either of the sisters’ vocabulary.

That's how my stepfather's parents treated us, but then he also treated us as his children and didn't entertain anyone who didn't.

Yep, total cunt.

Two adults in their 60s with 9 kids is madness. She should let her other child go without her, abroad, to a busy theme park without her.

I think it totally depends on the relationship between MiL and daughter. Have developed a bond? Does your daughter call her nan or similar? Does she wish her a happy birthday and vice versa? And how do your daughter ans step daughter get along?

If there is a family relationship between your daughter and MIL, then MIL is indeed out of order. If however they only see each other twice a year and your daughter doesn't have any feelings for MIL, then she doesn't a right to be taken.

Also, I wouldn't blame MIL for not taking her of the two step girls aren't close.

9 kids is chaotic, regardless of how they feel.

Young kids get a few viruses a year. So one of them is probably coughing, or throwing up. One (at least) is definitely homesick and crying. Two are pinching and hitting each other. One is whining, mithering for treats. Two are picky eaters and hate everything. One isn’t sleeping, one more has nightmares. One gets blisters/sunburn/sore something.

On top of this, they all want to go on the rides but you need an adult for every 1-2 children. So essentially at least 7 children are what? Queuing for another ride? Waiting in the queue, getting in the way? One sister is always ‘holding the bags’? One of the older children is standing with at least 4 others waiting?

It’s bonkers regardless of their anti-chaos stance.

And what are the sleeping arrangements?