Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

He could have some sort of personality disorder but either way this behaviour is extremely wearing.

My ex is a pathological liar but was much cleverer about it than your ex and it was about bigger things usually (and small ones).

He would never admit things though, even with proof. I think he believed his own lies.

I think you should separate actually as you cant trust him and this is awful for your kids to be around - and you!!

Why is he driving erratically and why with the children in the car? Sounds like he stopped maturing aged 11.

Exactly. White lies are when you lie to protect someone as the truth would hurt.

He definitely isn't telling white lies.

I think he needs counselling.. It's not OK to think this is acceptable behaviour surely.. he needs to understand the stress it's causing.. I actually think he needs to see a specialist in mental health. how can you cope with the endless pointless but disruptive behaviour.. could you go see a doctor and explain its making you so stressed and what can you do.. maybe they can refer you to a help source??

My Son in law is like this.
Little lies, lies all the time. He has unmedicated ADHD and often fails do do whatever he's been asked by my DD so lies. Not big lies , just constant irritating little ones that are so obvious we wonder why he bothers!
He's an adoring husband and a wonderful dad and DD just calls him out on it every time, but honestly I think it's an automatic first response from him , like a child not wanting to get in trouble.

I dated a bloke who used to constantly lie. They were little harmless lies but it was constant. You would call him out on it and he would eventually admit he made it up.

I couldn’t believe a word he said and ended it. None of the lies were ever dangerous, or big or unbelievable, but he would just make things up to either be able to tell a funny story or because he desperately wanted to fit in.
Odd character. He wasn’t a bad person, but he had some serious issues around making things up.

Not that it really makes a difference, but I was a bit puzzled by him lying that he drives (by which I assumed he has no driving licence but pretends thaf he does) - and then, when he does drive, he does so dangerously??

Yes this. My husband lies regularly and had a childhood exactly like this.

My 15 year old lies, the neighbour over the road tells some right corkers plus also loads of little bragging shit ones. I just don’t get it, what’s the point.

I call my son out on his all the time but he just denies he’s lying. The neighbours ones I let just wash over me and don’t discuss whatever he’s lying about. My son’s dad is a liar too, mainly about me and he also exaggerates shit. No way would I be married to one or stay married to one. It’s incredibly tiring. You just can’t trust them and I just don’t believe anything now.

Thank you- I get this but it was 2 big biscuits and I just wanted to know if they were in the car or in the house as I couldn't be assed to walk to the car.
There's no way I think far enough to rephrase everything in my life as he may or may not have lied about them alongside working full time and meeting needs of 3 ND children, my head will actually explode even thinking about it! X

my family and kids would think I'm totally crazy separating over things like the tiny lies

“He’s a serial liar who tells me multiple lies every. single. day. He’s been to counselling and his behaviour has not changed. I cannot continue to be in a relationship with someone who will not give me the basic decency of honesty.”

Other than this, we are happy and get on well.
This doesn’t matter. If he’s gaslighting you 24/7, you can never get your bearings and know which way is up. It’s constant second-guessing and never knowing if what he is saying is true. This sounds exhausting.

To be honest, you knew he was like this before you married him, yet still chose him to be the father of your children. Perhaps you should delve deeper into this.

My dad was /is like this. As I have grown up I find there is no point talking to him as there is no real consistent person there, just a body that comes out with whatever nonsense comes into his brain and any particular moment. He lies about tiny things and huge things.

i have inherited/learned it a bit. I hear myself do it ( always tiny things) and I just can’t understand why I’m doing it, even as I do it. But I never do it about big things, or things that I have thought about. It seems to be things that I am out on the spot for.

OP he needs to be interested in why he does it and care about the impact on you.

good luck.

Hes a pathological liar, he probably needs to speak with a psychologist and get diagnosed. He is probably lying about most things in his life and his past and they only come forward when they have been caught in the lie.

Sorry the no driving licence was when we first got together 14 years ago, erratic driving yesterday, he does have a licence, but has 6 points for speeding and has been to a speeding course
So hence when the light flashed I said what speed are you doing?

I am.not.convinced its really about lying. It seems.to be that his gut instinct is always always to ensure he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything. It could be due to shame, it.could be just because he is a lazy man child. I dont know. But it has to be exhausting.

My DH can be like this, but not as bad. We've been together well over 30 years, so I know him inside out (and we're definitely not going to divorce). The lies are always the result of shame. The main thing he lies about is food, and that's got worse since he was diagnosed with diabetes (he has a very sweet tooth). He would definitely do the thing with the biscuits (but not the speeding). The weirdest thing, is that I eat crap/sweet food/junk food all the time - I'm not a health freak at all, and I've never once criticised him for what he eats. But then, I know the lies are not for my benefit - he's not lying to me, he's lying to himself. In his head, he thinks that if he doesn't admit it then it never happened.

I've put it down to him being brought up by an alcoholic mother who lied all the time to cover her alcoholism and mostly got away with it, and an overly critical father.
The other big thing my DH lies about is what he does in his spare time - he's always pulled his weight with the kids (mostly grown up now), worked hard, does all the cooking/shopping/meal planning etc, so I have no issues on that front, but he always lies about what he does in his spare time (gaming/doom scrolling whatever) i.e. he won't admit he ever does anything that's not "useful". In his head, he thinks he's procrastinating, so he shouldn't be doing it, so he lies. Again, it's a shame thing, and I can definitely imagine his Dad getting mad with him if he wasn't constantly doing something that his Dad deemed useful.

My ex was the same, it drove me mad (and you wonder if you are actually going mad!). We broke up over something else but I think it is worth breaking up over because it’s a matter of trust and you can’t trust him! I would have left my ex over it if I hadn’t over a different thing, because someone constantly lying (even over the most pointless things) is very bad for your mental wellbeing.

My ex isn’t ND but I do think he has some kind of PD (eg, no empathy, no feelings of shame or embarrassment, lies etc).

Does he do this around other people too that you are aware of? If out with friends would he make things up? What about work, as far as your aware does he get on with the job without lying?

Eh, what you have written is nonsensical

My ex husband was like this. He was ND. My son is showing signs of similar behaviour and is also AuDHD. I am trying very hard to navigate this with a child but it’s extremely difficult. In my son’s case it’s more dramatic embellishment but ultimately it’s not true. I call him out every time because I am so fearful that he will be like his father who was a prolific liar about absolutely everything and it so easily tripped off his tongue. It becomes obvious to other people around you too. I feel it’s an executive function issue, like impulsive behaviour. I don’t have an answer though. I couldn’t bear it with ex. We are long divorced and he has no contact with us so he has no influence on our child which makes me
think it’s something to connected to his ND status.

@WonderingWanda

I hear what you are saying about it being a negative loop ie he lies, she senses it / it doesnt add up, she questions further or enters prosecutor mode, he feels attacked….typical drama triangle.

But the only way to break this cycle
is for him actually commit to stop lying and build the trust back up. Then there will be nothing for @Teanandtoast to interrogate.

My ex is like this. There were big lies too. Agree with the early poster who said it's a control thing - for my ex the important thing was to feel smug knowing things I / others didn't, however trivial.

I talked to him about it, couples counselling, he & I both got individual counselling etc etc, but it was all pointless as ultimately his desire to change needs to outweigh his fear of relinquishing that sense of control, & it didn't. He continues to lie, to everyone around him but particularly to me & subsequent girlfriends.

Separating was hard because the lying is so disorientating. I spent years reminding myself constantly that I couldn't assume anything he said was factual. I had to always remember that he wouldn't give me any meaningful information about anything, so all I could do was focus on what I was in control of & give him an appropriate level of information. Anything that mattered, I followed up with a text or an email "You said xyz". But before I even got to the separating stage, I stopped asking questions or caring about what he told me. I wouldn't ask where the biscuits had gone or how his day at work had been etc because I was so tired of the bullshit. And I think that stage - choosing not to engage in conversations I knew would produce unreliable responses - helped me understand the real situation in our relationship & make the decision that it wasn't worth it long-term. YMMV of course.

Definitely - This is to do with his childhood. My father is like this because of his mother.

They aren't just white lies. His behaviour means that you cannot trust a word he says. You must be constantly in a state of super-vigilance to try and work out what is fact and what is fiction.

You cannot have an equal relationship with someone like this. He is totally untrustworthy. Plus, he is setting such a bad example for your children.

This isn't really for OP to fix though, she has tried several times to get him to therapy for help. He isn't fully engaging with it for whatever reason. She is perfectly within her rights to call it a day if she has had enough and can't cope or doesn't want this around her children any more.