Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

Curious where you got that from…

And you married him because….? Hope your kids haven’t inherited this trait, that would be shit! He sounds like a twat, I’d he off.

He’s left 4x in the past

I guess you have started loads of depressing threads about this over the years

bugger all down despite so much advice

over and out

You’re not crazy. I literally could not cope with this on any level. It’s my one hard line in any relationship. I can’t help but think that if someone is going to lie about the silly insignificant things then what else are they capable of lying about. In my opinion you’re not overreacting. Trust is everything and it’s not too much to ask to know where you stand. Having to constantly unpick every conversation or situation must be exhausting. 💕

I have a friend like this and it drives me bananas. It’s not coming from a bad place, but it’s like she can’t help it?

She also has people pleasing tendencies, and I think her parents had high expectations that she couldn’t quite meet. I don’t know if these things are linked. I love her as a friend but couldn’t cope if it was my DH!

Thank you ❤️

My Ds’s ex was like this. They were together a few years, with one DC. Most of her lies were harmless, hence it took a while to realise they were lies but things started to not add up. When it all started to unravel, she became nasty, controlling and the lies increased. It was impossible to have a conversation with her becasue you just couldn’t believe anything she said. She does seem to have settled down a bit since he left and they’re coparenting well but we do have worries about whether she lies to the DC.

This is the first time Ive ever posted.

You're his mummy and he's a child. Have you not got the ick?

I feel sorry for you and your children. Would you be happy for any of your kids to be with a partner like him? I'm guessing no. If the answer is no, why do you think it's okay for you?

Set an example, because history repeats.

It’s the uncertainty of it that would just do it for me. If you can’t trust anything he says that is it. If you can lie little you can also lie big.

you don’t need to explain yourself to anyone. It’s a cumulative ‘thousand cuts’ thing. It’s not about the 3 yesterday it’s the 1000’s that have gone before.

Thank you ❤️

I wouldn’t be able to cope with something like that, to many it may seem silly but to me I would feel like I was loosing the plot.
It may be silly little things but they all add up in my opinion. It sounds draining.

I would be packing his bags. You have put up with it for years already, do you really want another 20/30 years of the same old thing with him?

These aren't white lies, sounds like a classic sociapath. I have a friend like this, I am giving her a wide birth. It's weird stuff,one minute she can drive, but hasn't passed her test,then she's had lessons. I really cannot believe a word she says. I don't know if she does it to other friends, bit difficult to ask.

There is another aspect you don’t seem to have considered … part of the lying now could be to get one over on you, just a few little words and you’re all upset and he “wins”

I've not considered this, as in so he is in control of everything?

Why are you concerned what your circle of friends think, if you were to separate over this?

I have a friend like this. Lies about the strangest things. Every time she goes on holiday she will tell all of us in the friendship group slightly different dates for when she will be away. She gains nothing from it and gets all tangled up in the lie. It’s become a running joke for the rest of us.

Thats just one example but it demonstrates how some people are just unable to tell the truth. I think it’s some kind of condition.

I think it’s possible to bury this so your kids aren’t aware of it. So the decision about whether to stay is just down to whether you personally can live with how annoying this is. It sounds like maybe you can’t.

Is your husband ND? Because a lot of people with ADHD tell white lies. Something to do with impulsivity and what thoughts immediately pop in to the brain when first questioned or challenged. And something to do with very often feeling inadequate.

The way we stopped it with our ND child was to tell them to practice stopping and breathing for three long breaths before answering any questions at all. And flexing their fingers if they need to. And the pause and physical movement pushes the response from impulsivity at the front of the brain, back in to the reasoning part (something like that anyway!).

In the past when I've lied, it has been for a quiet life. Terrible to admit that.

But as an unassertive person around very assertive people, if I was in a situation where I knew that there would be negative judgement of me, I would lie.

It's about shame. I'd be ashamed of the behaviour (eating the biscuits) and it would seem easier/better to lie in the moment.

Eventually i stopped because the fallout from the lie was worse than admitting whatever the problem was in the first place (often about food tbh).

I'm not blaming you at all @Teanandtoast , and I'm certainly not excusing him, but make it easy for him to tell the truth - eg "Have all the biscuits gone now?" in a non-accusatory manner.

I really hope this helps, because I have gone on to build a good relationship with someone who i had lied to more than once.

There has to be something not quite wired correctly in someone’s brain for them to go through life continuously lying. I wouldn’t live with this as you could never trust them about anything.

The saddest thing here is that either he gets off on your frustration and despair or he just doesn’t care about you.

I agree that it’s childhood issue - but if he can’t resolve it and continues to hurt you then those are significant choices he is making. What choices are you making?

The irony of wanting to avoid conflict and confrontation by white lies and then single handed creating huge conflict is interesting.

Maybe he does it as he enjoys pulling your strings and seeing you angry? What would happen if you didn’t react and detached emotionally from him in your head? What would he do with his white lies then? He wouldn’t be getting the conflict he wants.

It’s intolerable though and your DCs are being brought up by one parent desperately trying to deal with stuff and the other undermining your efforts daily.

This character is diverting and draining the finite mental energy, time and focus that need to be for your DCs with their issues. Choose them

I’ve heard that this comes from childhood, when parents ask a child if they have done something, the child owns up and they get punished anyway, they don’t get any credit for owning up. So as adults they carry on.

I don't mean my friends, I mean my kids, both families, it's a huge decision, when I have considered it before everyone around me thought I was crazy for even considering it. Probably because we're so intertwined and about to sign on a new house within the next fortnight, I don't know what the future would look like for my kids.
I've spoken to my 2 closest friends and mum about this only. My children are very high needs and difficult, I've have to give up work and my income if we separated, I would struggle beyond belief looking after them solo all the time, I don't know what I'd do about moving, suppose it's the thought of everything and what the hell to do. 😭❤️

This is no life. Are you sure there aren't any huge black lies as well?

It's a form of control or the need to feel in control. Both are exhausting to be around.

Don't get hung up on the 'this isn't enough to end the marriage for' thing. I absolutely would end the marriage for this reason. Lies are lies. You can leave for any damn reason you want and need to leave for.

This is hugely damaging to the kids too.

You were taking a chance marrying him. Get out now and reverse that mistake as far as you can now.

Did you ask him why he lied about the biscuits? I mean it is a silly lie but I'd be interested in what he says about it.

Does he think he would get into trouble? What would that look like? Ie does he fear a shouting match for instance?

Or is it simply learned from his youth and he's just stuck in the same cycle and is almost his automatic response- to keep out of trouble?

My DH does it to a degree- if he was going to be late for instance, he would make up an excuse about why. I just say well can't you just apologise. No need to lie about it, what's the point, just be honest. But it's like that wouldn't occur to him, like he can't be seen as anything less than perfect. It is infuriating.