Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

This. She's not his manager and has already tried to get him to address it. The idea of putting all this pressure on herself while infantilising him is ludicrous. She seems to be held to a higher standard than the person actually lying and destabilising their relationship?!

OP, I really feel for you but have no advice. My 31 yo DS would much rather lie than tell the truth. It’s usually about small inconsequential things but it’s really frustrating. I worry how things will end up with his lovely gf when she starts realising.

@Wellthatsacharlingknot thanks for this. I was just going to ask OP @Teanandtoast if he has any traits of ADHD.
My DD has diagnosed ADHD and does impulsive lying over small things there's be no "need' to lie about and that confused me but also alerted me. Because DH does the same and it's been the source of fights over the years. I absolutely think he has all the same diagnosis as my daughter.

I've noticed it's almost so automatic they don't even realise they are doing it initially. It's soooooo frustrating.

It also seems to happen if any perceived idea at all of getting in trouble over something.

Thanks for these strategies to try with DD.

Edited to fix typos and make clearer

My mum is like this. I believe she lies to deflect the blows she thinks will happen if she told the truth. She really hates conflict and would prefer to avoid it at any cost, which means she thinks she has to give an answer that may cause less anger or reaction.

I lie to my DH all the time but that's because he's so critical and nagging. It's all about small stuff without any importance to any reasonable person- problem is he isn't. He goes off on have you washed my pyjamas at 40°? I say no ofcourse not, at 30° as you like. Ridiculous, it's a coton pyjamas for christ's sake. Have you used this kitchen ustensil- there is a scratch? No, I haven't.
He's really tiresome. But as the OP I have got a ND child and I'm a sahm because of it and it would be really hard to work out a plan where I could work and yet be available for all DSs needs before and after school so I'm biding my time.

Sorry @Teanandtoast to derail. I don't think your DH should be lying to you unless you're constantly nitpicking and blow up on him about small things. It doesn't sound like that at all so what you have is a pathological liar. Some have learnt to behave like this in childhood because their parents are very critical. Maybe if you suggest that is what happens and that it can be resolved by therapy he will give it a shot? Because it's really not acceptable to live with someone you can't trust.

My first husband was like this. He would lie over the silliest things.

It was the gaslighting that finally finished me off. I’d find we were arguing about his lies rather than the real issues. So for example in your case - whether he was actually driving at 38 mph or not and not why is he speeding? I’d get called paranoid, a nag etc. It was exhausting.
I got out after a few years and have never regretted it. I have a lovely husband now who does not gaslight me ( much 😉)

My exH lied constantly. He was diagnosed with ASD in his 50s and probably has ADHD too. He will never change because he is unable to, and most times, he actually convinced himself he was telling the truth. He recalled conversations with me that were completely fabricated in his mind and almost drove me mad with confusion at times, thinking I'd said something and couldn't remember it. OP, I hate when people jump to 'probably ND' but you mention your children are so it is a possibility

I was with someone who lied. It messed my head up a lot and I thought I was going mad.

It was just little things like "can you get me some shower gel when you're out?" I'd come home with shower gel and he'd get angry and tell me he'd asked for deodorant. Or me saying I was going out and I'll be back about 5pm. I'd arrive home at 5pm and he'd claim I said I'd be back at 2pm and was angry because I'd lied to him and I was obviously hiding something. Or telling him I was making pasta for dinner, then he'd get angry with the plate of pasta because I'd told him I was making a curry.

All little things like that which he turned around and accused me of lying and deliberately doing things to make him angry.

I didn't realise how bad this was until we split up over other violence by him and I worked through support with a domestic violence charity.

My ex DH was like this, lying, gaslighting till I thought i was the problem - in the end it turned out he ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism.

It's probably from childhood, over bearing mother who loved very conditionally type thing and non existent self esteem.

If it's as deep as NPD then there is no cure and he will lie in therapy as much as he lies to you - in fact therapy often just makes narcissists into better narcissists. He will use the therapist for supply and often they are as fooled as anyone.

It's no life OP - especially when it turns out that they're just as prepared to lie about really big things too. Please don't feel you have to babysit him into being able to tell the truth, he is not 5 years old and this is not your issue to fix.

Sorry I have no useful advice to give, OP. But I feel for you. It would drive me mad. Lying disorientates people because you never know what's real. It's also a power thing: the liar gets a little power-trip from having given you false information, so they know something you don't know.

I do sympathise with him if it stems from a childhood fear of angry adults. But we all have to grow up and take responsibility for ourselves.

I Feel for you so much as I have the same with my DH. Mainly white lies but others aswell. I have been with him 35 years and other issues within the relationship but too late now.
It’s exhausting and makes me feel like I’m going crazy. When we’re with friends he will tell elaborate stories. I now call him out on it in front of people. I think he actually believes himself now.
He lies to me and now I pick up on it. I absolutely hate it and now don’t believe a word he says. He goes for a dog walk every day and lies about going in the pub and is gone for hours sometimes. He never lets me go with him.

Others know he lies and exaggerates too.
It’s horrible because I can’t trust him.

He had an emotionally abusive father and it seems like he’s terrified of being told off. I’m pretty easy going and I feel like I have a child round me. He has told me before when caught out that he’s frightened I’m going to tell him off. Makes me feel like an ogre and I’m not.

Recently he has been diagnosed with ADHD and highly likely autistic. The psychiatrist said this.
I researched it and can be an ADHD trait.
It doesn’t make it any easier and I’m stuck with him.

I was with my lying husband for over 30 years, believe me it is never too late to leave for your own sanity.

Not sure if this helps OP, but I had a boss who lied about EVERYTHING! She'd even lie to me when she knew I already knew the truth. I've always thought it was a case "if I say the same lie often enough it becomes the truth" (in her head). Anyway eventually I left as the lying, combined with other appalling behaviours, I couldn't work for her anymore.

Some time later I was having counselling about a completely unrelated matter and we discussed "lying". So I told the story of the old boss and said I couldn't get my head round why she was always lying, even when she knew I knew it was a lie. So the counsellor said "it's to get herself out of trouble". This still didn't make sense to me as I said, but she gets found out eventually. Counsellor said "in the moment, it doesn't matter, at that point she is getting herself out of trouble". So we eventually worked out for some reason it was her MO probably stemming from childhood. It doesn't make it right what your DH is doing, but for me, it helped me understand where it was coming from.

Imagine taking on the responsibility of changing the way you communicate because otherwise your partner will lie to you. Making it into a new way of living, where it's your fault if he lies. He's an adult - he knows how much this (obviously) upsets the OP, who is living in the hideously stressful situation of never knowing if anything she's being told is true or not. She has one life. He can seek therapy on his own time. It is absolutely not her responsibility to manage his propensity to lie, and I think it's unreasonable to even suggest it as a course of action.

I was just going to say this, almost certainly ND

Not helpful anyway, it doesnt matter if he is or isnt, the point is he cant change it and its not good for you OP

Also other posters should be much kinder to the OP, she doesnt need berating or criticism, life isnt as simple as 'just leave, why havent you left'.

That doesn't sound like ASD, people with ASD are more often bluntly honest (not that I'm saying they're incapable of lying). People who are ND are at higher risk of developing a personality disorder though and I would suspect that that may be true of your ex.

Fuck off with that!!

Jesus, talk about gaslighting the OP!!!

So kids are ND. I ws going to say adhd or auadhd profile. Dh was terrible for this (adhd) where I hate lies.

I did quite a bit of reading on the subject od adhd and lies

Had a few issues with own kids. I now ay take a minute and come back to me when u can tell me the truth

I’m now disabled and don’t want to be on my own. Have thought about it but he does a lot for me. We just have a friends relationship now which is sad.

That might be right about things like the speeding or the biscuits but he wasn’t going to get in trouble for not having been to New Zealand. My parents used to know someone and he just made up all kinds of shit all the time. Everyone that knew him thought he had a different job because in whatever conversation he’d say “I’m a X” (fireman, lorry driver, farmer). Someone thought he had 3 sons that played rugby, whereas he had 3 daughters that I went to guides with. He told a neighbour his wife was a doctor and they believed it for years then one day cut their hand and went to her door for help. She was utterly baffled. Some people just lie about everything.

People who are ASD more often than not are wedded rigidly to 'their truth' and will repeat that over and over. Call it a lie, call it their truth, but I dont know why this incorrect presentation keeps being repeated over and over that people with ASD dont or cant lie, they absolutely can and do, for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes they want their version to be true, sometimes they're trying to get away with something, sometimes its what they think has happened despite evidence to the contrary that they wont take into account

Please stop presenting misinformation about the spectrum it is not helpful

That's interesting, thank you for the insight. He could also be hurtfully honest about some things!

Fyi, these aren't "white lies". White lies are ones where the liar receives no benefit, but someone else's feelings are spared.

Once I was out with my boyfriend, who ordered a "draught" beer, pronounced to rhyme with "ought". I was teasing him about the way he pronounced it, and the bar man (who we didn't know), came to my bfs rescue saying "drort" was a normal way of pronouncing it(!) Stepping into the role of wing man. This is an actual white lie.

Your husband pretending to have gone to New Zealand, would have been to make himself sound more worldly / interesting / give himself leverage in a debate about New Zealand / to fit into a group of people better. As such, it's just a regular lie.

One of the first replies has a very good point, starts in childhood possibly for many reasons. Someone connected to my family is like this, very draining and makes zero sense to us, they have had one session of individual therapy and a theme emerging is lack of self esteem, avoiding confrontation and difficulties expressing themselves. They are going to continue with the therapy. That's not to say the relationship will continue but may enaboth sides to see the reasons. Good luck OP.💕

Now I've just read your post and that is certainly more like my ex!