Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

I was married to someone like this. It erodes your confidence that anything they do or say is correct or factual, but makes you cynical about what other people say as well. They live in their own fantasy world and have no appreciation of how it is for other people having the manage their unreliability. I divorced him over a lie that broke the camel's back. However, we remain on friendly terms due to having kids, and some of the things he has done or said to other people (and me) post-divorce are just as outrageous and draining, Proper car crash stuff that means nothing he does or says is taken very seriously by anyone in my family. He has been in trouble at work over this, and nearly lost his job. It must be a mental health disorder to behave this way, as he has no accountability when caught out in a lie. He says he doesn't care what other people think of him, and I believe that. It must be exhausting for you having to filter fact from fiction all the time.

Years ago I dated a man like this. Everyone knew he was lying, friends, family but he just kept on. I was the only one asking the obvious question why? I thought he improved within our relationship but who knows...like your husband it was lying about silly petty things. He once told a group of his friends we had to leave a party so I could catch the train home...they were all postmen who knew very well where I lived - in the same town as they all did. There must be a name for the condition.

I totally agree with this.

I could not stand it at all. I would end the relationship.

I have a child like this and I’m about at the end of what I can cope with. But an adult- no I couldn’t do it at all.

Interesting. DS1's dad was exactly the same. Just one of his lies that comes to mind: claiming he was vegetarian because I am.( I really don't care what other people eat, and never comment on their dietary choices). Then a week later he was roasting a chicken for himself 🙄. It turns out that not all of his lies were harmless- over the years he has done some very bad things indeed, and DS1 has never had any contact with him, thankfully.

Yet DS also has this compulsion to lie. It drives me mad. Recently DS2 came and confessed to me that he'd snuck his tablet upstairs and been on it in bed, and I was like "Well that wasn't a very good idea was it, I bet you feel really tired today. Don't do it again!" and DS1 couldn't understand why I hadn't got crosser with him. But it was because DS2 had immediately owned up, whereas DS1 would have denied doing anything wrong- even though it was completely obvious- until I got really angry.

I'm constantly asking myself if there could be a genetic element to this somehow. I also wonder about ADHD- I think the subtler emotional and behavioural aspects to ADHD aren't well understood.

Not sure if anyone's already asked this, but if your kids are ND, is he too?

DC1 (12) is ADHD and when they were about 9/10 the lying was off the charts! It's a thing - it's a way of making sense/ order of things for an ADHD brain I think. They grew out of it mostly, although there are still many occassions when they will argue to the death that black is white...

You have my sympathy and understanding. My sister couldn't say good morning without lying twice, and although it wasn't the only issue with her, it was a huge one. I was always on my guard with her, and her behaviour destroyed any chance we had of a decent relationship.

We were NC, and when she died earlier this year, one of my first thoughts was relief that she couldn't tell any more lies.

If you leave and your family etc question it, ask them how they would cope with being lied to all the time. Doesn't matter what it's about, it's the erosion of trust, the gaslighting, and the fear that he'll influence your children to think that it's the best way forward in any given situation.

💐

Why are you being so horrible?

He is the problem not her. Why should she bend over backwards to account for his problems?

I feel you on this. I had an ex that did this and it was exhausting. We were a lot younger and after a while I just couldn’t handle it so we split after a couple of years together but no kids or anything. It would be the most ridiculous stuff - I’d ask if he’d had lunch and he’d say no and I’d go in the kitchen and there’d be a dirty plate so he’d backtrack and say oh yes I did. It did slowly grow and he lied about money and I’m pretty sure cheated on me so I did have valid reasons but the tiny lies were in some ways worse as it made me feel like I was going mad. I couldn’t stay but appreciate you have kids and there’s more at stake.

My soon to be ex husband is like this. Exaggerating stories from his childhood, if you had a toy he had the super deluxe version with bells and whistles, if you'd been on holiday 5 times he'd been 8 times all first clasd ect. He always ALWAYS has a story & it's always going to be better than yours. He tells lies constantly. Saying he was on the toilet or fell back to sleep when he was really looking at porn etc. I knew when he was lying and it finally came to a head when I was looking after our son who is 3 (autisic & non verbal) when he was ill & I asked him whilst he was out to call & get his antibiotics that the dr had sent to the chemist as they'd not been ready when I called in after his appointment as the pharmacist was on his lunch. He came back empty handed and said it wasn't ready. I called the chemist & they said it was there ready to be picked up. Instant lies "it wasn't there when I went, they said it wasn't ready" i didn't say a word just looked at him and he said "ok I didn't call in i got talking and forgot and just came home". I'd had enough by then and told him to leave and I was done. He is now looking at therapy for porn addiction and ADHD which good for him but it's all too little too late.

This brings back a lot of memories for me of my ex-husband who was an habitual liar. We met when I was very young and he was 5 years older than me (16 and 21) and although I was a fairly intelligent academic sort of kid, I was very naive and trusting, and wanted to believe his BS about Art School, parties, travelling in Egypt, hair that used to be so long it was down his back. Big things and little things - I was very impressionable. It was a very bad combination. He swept me off my feet and we married when I was 18.

Looking back, it was because of low self esteem in his case. He was severely dyslexic and did very poorly at school (could barely write, and I remember he couldn't spell my name or the town we lived in reliably) and although he had a good enough job he felt inadequate.

Eventually he was out of work and the lies really went into overdrive then with great long stories about how he spent his day with unusual and exotic friends he met at the Job Centre while I was out at work, trying to make himself sound interesting and edgy. It was obvious to everyone that he was lying all the time, it was a whole separate layer of identity for him and I've no idea if he felt it was convincing people or not - probably he did because nearly everyone is too polite to call this sort of thing out.

This thread is amazing in showing how many of us have experienced being lied to constantly like this, it's so sad. It eats away at you if you are lied to, it wrecks everything and humiliates you and makes you cringe when your DP lies to others.

That would drive me mad. It just shows a complete lack of respect for you. You’re not worth telling the truth to. I’m not sure what I’d do in this situation to be honest. It seems like a minor thing to end a marriage over, especially when you have kids, but I can’t see another way.

You're minimising his behaviour and making her the problem. People need to stop doing this.

This thread is an eye opener for me.

It’s known as ‘crazy making’ - they are repressed and unable to express their own anger so goad and provoke you so that you flip and they get a sense of relief.

It’s often about a difficult parental interaction (often an overbearing mother) which they had no agency in as a child - so they then unconsciously play it out with the next woman in their life - their partner or wife.

I expect he doesn’t do this to friends or colleagues but is trigger into a dynamic of unsettling you and angering you.

Why did you marry a liar?

Him moving out over his lying is just a power play. In what world does he live that he thinks he can play power games over you to make you accept him lying? Yes he is ghosting you. He is making you feel like you’re the problem. You’re not. HE is the problem.
Op, I bet everyone can see he lies. They probably see it more than you do, because he’s brainwashed you into thinking you’re part of the problem. Your family and friends hear him aswell and know damn well he’s lying about stuff. Your kids hear him and know damn well dad lies about stuff. You have every right to tell him you’re getting divorced over his behaviour. People who know what he’s like will understand he can’t be trusted on his word. And if they don’t know him well enough to have picked up on his lieing, who cares what they think? It’s not their marriage. And if people think you should have to put up with constant lieing, then boo to them. Tell them they can marry him and see what life is actually like with him.
as for the hell of course-parenting with him: do ALL communication via email or text, so you have it written down and you have proof if he says “I never said xyz”.
And if you decide to give it another shot with him, I’d start recording all conversations with him. Even if it’s just so you have the proof you’re not imaging things and not going mad. And also to show him you no longer trust his word and you will check what he actually said.

Wrt speeding and driving erratically with DW and DC as passengers. This smacks as deliberately controlling behaviour. DH has points on his licence and has done speed awareness courses. It is his responsibility to stick to the speed limit and to drive responsibly with due regard to safety of passengers in his car, other drivers, cyclists, pedestrians etc. It was his responsibility to pay attention to his speed and absolutely his responsibility to respond to speed monitors.

This is nothing to do with childhood experience of parental response to minor non-safety related transgressions.

OP you must have known that DH was speeding and driving in an unsafe manner. Did you not feel able to tell him to slow down? Even when you received external validation that he was speeding you didn’t tell him to slow down. His lying about only doing 36mph when the speedometer said 38 mph is bizarre. 36mph in a 30 mph zone is speeding. It risks a fine, points on licence, speed awareness and if a pattern that has failed to respond to other interventions and points already accrued can lead to a driving ban.

As far as the law is concerned it makes no or minimal difference whether he drove at 36 or 38 in a 30 zone. You have become so focused on lies that you can’t see the wood from the trees. That’s understandable but a clear indication that you have to do things differently to get out of this cycle.

His behaviour is the issue. Even if he were honest it would still be problematic.

But maybe that is the reason for always lying about every little thing and causing drama that threatens family security. It keeps you distracted, doubting yourself, seeking evidence, not calling out obvious lies because he will vow to change but not do so so you are back at square one or leave until it all blows over and starts up again. You are keenly aware that your role as carer places you in a vulnerable position.

Ultimately you are worse off and your DC are worse off if your DH is unwilling or unable to play his part in supporting his DC which includes supporting you as primary carer financially and emotionally.

Take your time OP. You can move (as long as it is not financially disadvantageous). Read up (Lundy Bancroft is a good recommendation and I would advise the women’s aid freedom program). I did it alongside women still with their abusive partners. I did it to make sure I didn’t start doubting myself or my ability to cope better without DHs toxic input.

I don’t think that unresolved childhood trauma or potential ND can explain this incident.

He needs to see a counsellor and possibly a psychiatrist if he has adhd or autism - the GP might be a start. But if he refuses to do this probably you need to pull out of the house purchase if it’s not too late and look at separating.

Thank you ❤️

Read comment i made under it at 10.07

Thank you, sorry I didn't see that before (obviously).

Research pathological liar.
my brother in law is one. He needs help. X

I grew up in an abusive home and had to work very hard to break this habit. For me it was people-pleasing and instinctive subconscious fear. So instead of honestly answering any question I would automatically think 'what does this person want to hear?'

My thoughts @hazelnutvanillalatte is that females are (amd traditionally have been) conditioned to put others first or they are selfish, to please.others before themselves. It is toxic, isnt it?

I am in my 50s now and aware of this manipulation. I am doing my upmost not to continue this pantomime. Women are as valid/important as men. No-one should be brainwashed into thinking they must concede to others (my opinion).