Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

@Wellthatsacharlingknot that's really interesting. I do have ADHD.

And good to find out that someone else has curbed this problem.

Thank you, this is helpful, it wasn't in an accusatory manner at all, they had been in the car so I asked where they were as in or they in the car/house/kitchen etc but what should just be an sorry snooze you lose turns out to be me knowing he's lied.

With the examples you've given you say you wouldn't have been annoyed e.g. about the biscuit but I'm not sure I buy that. Why would you be asking the speed he was driving if you weren't going to be annoyed about it. It sounds like you've got yourselves into a pattern of you being on his case and him being defensive/ lying about it. The question you need to ask yourself is are the reasons you are on his case deal breakers. If he has lots of behaviours that are irritating or disrespectful to you then do you want to be with him for the rest of your life. By the way I would've been livid about the biscuit as they are my favourite thing!

"Because a lot of people with ADHD tell white lies."

These are not white lies. A white lie is something like 'no, you look fine'. It's done to avoid hurt, be polite, etc.
Pretending you've been to New Zealand when you haven't is really weird.

The biscuit thing made me think he has issues with overeating or binging, but apparently not so it's even more strange.

Because he was driving erratically with kids in the car, the '30' light flashed, he didn't notice and I said, it's 30, what speed are you doing?
He's got 6 points and done a speeding course for speeding.

My ex (and father of my child) was/is like this. Lies about everything. Big lies, little lies. I got to the stage where I didn't believe anything that came out of his mouth, and for the most part still don't. That was one of the main reasons why I left. You can't have a relationship with someone who constantly lies.
You mention that people would think you were crazy if you left him because of it; not necessarily so. People understand that it is impossible to deal with. As long as you didn't downplay it and told the truth - that he lies about everything and you can't believe anything he says - they'd understand.

@Teanandtoast what is he like at work? You may not know the answer to this question but if you suspect he lies, take care as these types don't learn lessons (being as he has left four times in the past after huge rows), he knows you hate the lying and yet he persists. He may get into big trouble and drag you down with him.

I don’t think people like this can change to be fair, even with counselling. It sounds like he has some sort of personality disorder but I’m not sure. It’s obviously something he’s done all his life from being a child and old habits die hard. He has obviously used lying as a way to get through life. I feel sorry for you that you have married and had kids with someone who never seems to have grown up.

Leave.

So tiring!
I knew someone like this and it was easier not to be around them because it always felt like they had to get their own way. It's a weirdly rigid thought process they seem to go through where they advance plan how they will make themselves look good in every single moment. Like an OCD or something.

For me I always felt that if they were so happy doing the little lies they undoubtedly had got bigger ones that had escalated somewhere boiling over. Have your kids taken to doing it yet? How is he going to deal with it when/if they do?

I used to lie quite a lot when I was young and a child. I was scared of the repercussions of the truth always as my mum was so fierce . I feel this maybe possibly where his lying originates from and now it’s become a habit just to say the easiest answer for what he feels is an easier life.

If you don’t want / can’t face separation yet. (Sounds like it’s too much to deal with right now)- then I would maybe get some counselling with him again. Also look closely at whether the environment in your home is one where truths are ok to say. Good luck @Teanandtoast xx

Have you asked him why he does this? What does he say?

Does it come from some kind of anxiety of thinking you would hate the truth even more. I m not excusing it, but it's a possible explanation.

My mum and my sister do this and it drove me mad.I would rather just know the truth.

Something so silly, as when coming back from holidayMy sister didn't put her big bottle of sun cream in the hold baggage, so it was confiscated as it exceeded the fluid limit. She said she d tell her husband she accidentally left in the hotel instead. I said to her, what's the difference a d why would he even notice a bottle of sun cream is missing.

She just had to make up stories about something and it drove me insane. I don't think there was any malice behind it.But I didn't understand it.

I don't think I could live my life never knowing where I stand and I m not sure what the solution is because it's been too long and he isn't going to change.

I think he needs some therapy. This is a coping mechanism.

Shame him into going to solo therapy. Get a white board and tally up all his lies everytime. At the end of the week/month ask him how many lies is acceptable to tell your family in a week/month, the answer is obviously none…..then present him with your tally and show him what a fucking loon he is.

Maybe from the OP saying "I also think what hell on earth it would be to coparent with him.". I didn't understand that - surely she already is coparenting?

Interesting @EveryMeandEveryYou - I’ve never thought of lying like that. I lied because I was scared of repercussions when I was wrong and it became a bit of a habit. However now I never ever lie as I’m confident in owning my mistakes or errors.
I say this because the New Zealand lie sounds like your example - embellishing to make his life perfect. Speeding and biscuit eating sounds like more of a fear of consequences .

I mean the kind of things he lies about. He probably didn't want you to know he ate two packets of biscuits.He was probably embarrassed.

The speeding thing is awful, though, and I d be furious at him for that. He does that too many times he ll eventually get a ban.I know, because one of my colleagues did. Totting up ban for caught speeding four times by speed cameras.

First, sit him on the naughty step.
Second, tell him you're getting a divorce.

I guess when you lie and it has the side effect of making you look better it is more tempting to do it more frequently?

I get the not wanting to be told off lies, but that should be something you grow out of when you become an adult and can afford your own biscuits, for example. IMO most adult lies are about making yourself look better or one upmanship.

Infuriating for you but there will be a reason for the habit. Counselling could solve it and if you say that your marriage is under threat perhaps he’ll go for it.

@Teanandtoast

Why do you care more about what other people (outsiders) think than the (poor) quality of your own actual life? Your social circle dont live with him - you and your kids do.

Living with someone who cant be honest must be soul destroying.

You call them little lies….I don’t find this behaviour minor at all. 3 lies in one day! It must be horrible trying to live life with someone you cant trust.

This adds to his shame though.

Imagine having internalised terror at being found out for doing something wrong- and you don’t know what things are wrong. Was it ok to eat the biscuit? You don’t know. Yesterday Mum ranted at you all day for eating the biscuit and when dad got home he clipped you round the ear. Today at Bill’s house, you didn’t eat the biscuit just in case, but Bill ate 4 and no one cared.

If that ^^ is what’s going on deep in his survival brain, he’s going to get into the habit of giving whatever answer is least likely to earn him a slap.

The way to manage this, given that things are otherwise ok, is two fold-

• reduce the shame by changing the way you ask about biscuits. I fancy a biscuit, are there any left, it doesn’t matter if they are all gone.

• don’t rely on what he says, don’t put him on the spot and most of all, don’t double down and increase the pressure. It just increases shame and increases the need to lie.

He can get better. But he can’t choose to do it without help because he doesn’t know what’s going on and every time you give him an ultimatum he’s back in survival mode.

Apart from the obvious deceit, it just shows such a monumental lack of respect for you.

To him, talking to you and answering questions is not about communicating the facts of the matter to you, but rather he just needs to say any old thing to fob you off and shut you up.

A bit like when old computer programs made you 'press any key to continue' - nobody ever agonised over which particular key might be the most appropriate, as it really didn't make any tangible difference; you just mashed any old random key(s) in order to get what you want - which in his case seems to be you to 'get off his back and stop bothering him'.

Essentially, he's treating talking to you like a chore and following a flowchart - one in which truth or lies make no difference, as long as you find a valid combination - to achieve his aim of just making you leave him alone and stop expecting him to communicate with you like spouses naturally would.

Before you decide your next step it may help to read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It's all about men who control and you may learn something from it. It helped me a lot to understand my ex-husband's behaviour.