Husband constant white lies, what to do?

[Teanandtoast]

My husband has a history of telling lies. These have ranged from saying he drives to saying he'd been to new Zealand when he hadn't to more recently tiny white lies which are seemingly pointless. Other than this, we are happy and get on well. We have 3 kids and are about to move house.

Yesterday i had a cup of tea, and asked where he's put the biscuits. (We'd had a pack in the car) He said I ate one, but the other was smashed and I had to bin it. I could tell it was a lie, so asked multiple times about it, and after a while he said yeah I ate them both.

We were driving, and his driving was erratic and fast, in a 30 the '30' light flashed on, and I said what speed are you doing? He said 36, it 100% wasn't it was faster, I asked him and I said I know you're not telling the truth, I then said I could see the speed, he said. Yeah it was 38.

He will say something to kids eg I'll ask mum to text them, and I said no you can text, then it's I didn't say that etc and he'll lie about what he's said to the kids. So we end up arguing as I'm trying to work out what the hell is going on.

These seem like small little lies, but it's constant the 3 examples I've provided were the 3 I worked out were lies just yesterday.

we've been together 14 years. I am absolutely sick of it. I don't get it. I don't understand why can't just say the truth rather than a half truth.

I feel like he gaslights me about it as he will say things like, why are you even asking? Or why would I lie about something like that? Etc then eventually say yes I lied. We've done couples counselling years ago. I feel like I'm going crazy as I can't trust the simplest thing that he says. I don't know what to do.
Has anyone got any advice or been through anything like this before? Help please!! ❤️

Erm… what are you on about?! In a healthy relationship the conversation goes something like this:

”did you eat the rest of the biscuits?”
”yes, sorry, did you want one?”
”no problem, we’ll get some more”

“how fast are you going?”
”ooops, 38, I’d better slow down”

Adults in relationships can have these conversations without it turning into a massive drama.

My DH lies somewhat but not to the extent you have described. It is really destabilizing to my sense of calm and confidence. I feel like I can’t trust him. It is over little things but then it bites me later, like him saying he completed paperwork or that he has sorted out plans but not actually started researching let alone booking.

we Are currently separated and I am really busy and super tired. However not having to rely on someone that I can’t trust is so so much easier on my health and it has only been three months.

Hi @Teanandtoast !

It sounds very frustrating.

Is your DH possibly ND too? It is highly hereditary, so if he's the biological dad of the kids it's quite an indicator. We have ND in the family, and it affects everyone differently, but some of the adults in the family will lie to avoid confrontation or out of anxiety and fear of having done 'the wrong thing' (and some are honest to a fault!). It is quite a common phenomenon. I think that the speeding and points on licence are also a common occurrence for this group unfortunately - can be due to concentration issues, poor time keeping due to executive function difficulties, impulsivity and more risk taking. Autism and ADHD often co-occur as well. I found this snippet for you to consider:

"When it comes to compulsive lying and autism, it’s important to dig deeper. What seems like repeated lying might actually be a sign of anxiety, a need for routine, or a way to cope with overwhelming situations.
Instead of intentional deceit, these behaviors could be masking deeper emotional or cognitive struggles."
https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-children-lying/

Autistic children grow up to be autistic adults, so the above might be relevant in your husband's case.

To the immediate situation of your exasperation with his lies, only you can decide if separating is the right thing to do. However, I would recommend not making this decision during an otherwise already extra stressful time with your upcoming move. Is this making everyone more anxious anyway (including yourself)? Transitions are extra challenging for the ND, as I am sure you will be aware from your experience with your children. If you have 3 high needs ND kids you will both be under extraordinary strain all of the time, and this should not be underestimated.

I happened upon this: www.drjothepsychologist.com/services clinical psychologist's blog today, and she specialises in helping parents of ND kids and ND people. I have no experience of her services, but I thought that some of her blog articles were spot on. If you can afford it she offers individual therapy too - maybe an idea for your DH or you both together?

Having a bit of experience of this problem (but not as severe or persistent as in your case), I find it's made much worse when the people in question are anxious or afraid. When they feel safe and secure (emotionally, physically, psychologically) the lies seem to disappear. If you can get to the root of why the lies are happening they might go away.

Good luck & take care!

I disagree. ND can very well explain what happened during the speeding incident - please see my longer comment above.

It's a separate question as to whether or not the OP wishes to separate over the recurring lies, but it can certainly be linked to ND issues.

I think he and possibly you too need to investigate the possibility that you're ND - persistent demand avoidance is a known sign of autism and could be connected to his reactions and resorting to lying.

I second what @Gair said. I think this is ND related behaviour, possibly motivated by fear of consequences plus impulsivity.
I hope things get better for you and DH learns to stop telling these lies.

It's definitely not your job to contort and accommodate. I posted above about similar issues with my DH and realising since my ADHD daughter has her diagnosis and is lying etc that he probably has ADHD too.
BUT it's my job to support my child, not to fix my husband.
I've brought it to his attention and said it's fine if you have these issues, I understand they can feel out of you control. But you have to take responsibility for that and do something to help yourself manage that. You can't expect me to accommodate your difficulties if you're doing nothing to help yourself with them.

I have depression and anxiety and do A LOT to try and manage that so I do expect and get support from my husband, as a partner should.

Likewise I'm happy to support him if he's also working on things himself, but not to parent him, and I don't have to give him the same accomodations that my daughter gets.
Unfortunately he isn't proactive in helping himself despite so many suggestions and encouragement from me so it is affecting our relationship

@Teanandtoast just came on to say in these circumstances no I would not leave. People on here will egg you on to do it but in most cases they have no idea what it’s like bearing the responsibility for disabled children.

Unfortunately sometimes there is no good option. But leaving would create serious practical difficulties for you which there is no way to just brush aside. At least if you stay the difficulties are only emotional and you can do your best to numb yourself to it.

I would however make secret preparations to leave if/when your children can live independently or with less support from you. If that is never going to happen can you just mentally separate from him as much as possible?

Im sorry I know this is a really bleak response. I feel people here are not very realistic though. It all sounds so easy when it’s just words on a screen.