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Original poster

WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

442 replies

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:05

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:10

You don’t say a single thing about your relationship itself, how healthy the marriage is and whether you love him

Original poster
Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:12

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:10

You don’t say a single thing about your relationship itself, how healthy the marriage is and whether you love him

We get on and don’t argue. But I don’t think I’m in love with him and I don’t think he is with me either, to be honest. The house isn’t unhappy in the slightest, but there’s no passion there anymore.

OP posts:
Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:12

How old were you when you gave it all up?

Is it processional? Ie with qualifications you can update

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:13

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:12

We get on and don’t argue. But I don’t think I’m in love with him and I don’t think he is with me either, to be honest. The house isn’t unhappy in the slightest, but there’s no passion there anymore.

Show quote history

Ok so this is the real issue
The marriage, when both fairly young, sounds like it’s dead in the water

Arlanymor · 31/10/2025 14:14

Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling - there definitely needs to be a conversation about the possibility of neither of you being in love anymore.

mcmuffin22 · 31/10/2025 14:14

How long have you been together op and what age did you get married? Also, what ages are the kids? Realistically even if you split up you can't uproot the kids and move back to London so you're not going to return to your old life. But you could look at retraining and finding a job (remote working?) and hopefully get your mojo back.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 31/10/2025 14:15

Marriages need maintaining.. What steps do each of you take to ensure that?

Girasoli · 31/10/2025 14:16

How old are the DC? I think a lot of times with toddlers/small DC you just feel like housemates, then once the kids are a bit older you get a bit of energy and spark back.

NConthe · 31/10/2025 14:18

So he earns upwards of £250k and you have no need to work. Really think about this before you throw it all away because of your friends insta pictures. Chances are that in a few years at least half of these happily married, yet free as a bird friends will be divorced.

Why not focus on losing that couple of stone and also at putting the spark back into the relationship you have. Also, get a job or do something that gives you purpose. You sound bored tbh

Didntask · 31/10/2025 14:18

Blimey, I thought you were going to say you were 30 and he was 68 or something...

LeaderBee · 31/10/2025 14:19

He's mid 40's, has his libido just naturally lowered?

mumonthehill · 31/10/2025 14:19

I did very similar to you, married after uni to someone older than me and was a shm. I dod miss work and a life of my own so once dc went to school I went back to work, not to my old career but I built a new one. I still was main carer for dc but working really helped me feel whole again and actually dh did have to step up and i made sure he understood that he had to. What you agree pre dc always needs reevaluating as circumstances and feelings change. We have been married 26 years now and I have a good full time job and dh understands that although he may be thinking of retirement these are still my years to thrive. However we love each other, communicate our needs and try and accommodate them as we can. It was very hard when DH worked away a lot but for me feeling more than mum was important. Just remember when your friends still have little ones you will have your freedom back like I did.

SilverPink · 31/10/2025 14:20

I’m not so sure this is anything to do with the age gap, more that you’re yearning to be young free and single 20s again with no responsibilities and men falling at your feet. The grass isn’t always greener.

lanthanum · 31/10/2025 14:20

You could explore new avenues - perhaps do some study or re-train for something a bit different, with the aim of returning to work when the children are a bit older. It's over 30 years until you hit retirement age, so you've plenty of time for a whole new career later on.
You could get involved in something voluntary, or perhaps take up a new hobby.

Your old friends may be envious of you in due course, when you are empty-nesters and they are still tied down with young kids. You're just doing things in a slightly different order. My parents had us young, and had a whole new chapter of their lives once we'd all left home.

CuddlyPug · 31/10/2025 14:27

There are lots of pluses in your life. From what I've seen from my friends, dating in your thirties is not a lot of fun for many women with their biological clock ticking so I'm not sure that you missed out on a lot there to be honest. Living alone can be pretty lonely as well and having flatmates can be positively hellish. I have worked fulltime in a demanding career even when the children were babies and that's not all it's cracked up to be either. I think you have the money and time to try to tackle your weight and I think that would make you feel better - you can be glamorous and skinny in your thirties.

ParmaVioletTea · 31/10/2025 14:28

Go back to work - part-time if that fits. SAHM life can be terrible for some women's well-being.

SoSoLong · 31/10/2025 14:32

Well, what is it that you want to do? You can't turn back time to live like a young woman without obligations, but you can change a lot of things from now on. You can build a career again once your kids are in school if you don't want to put them in nursery, you can go to the gym and get fit, you can lose weight, you can get a hobby and make friends. It's all in your power. The age difference is irrelevant for all this.

Original poster
Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:32

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:12

How old were you when you gave it all up?

Is it processional? Ie with qualifications you can update

I was 25 when covid hit and my career froze.

I worked in the media/TV. I no longer have the contacts and would have to start from scratch. And they’d rather have people younger than me who can be more flexible with their hours. It just wouldn’t be possible to go back.

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 31/10/2025 14:36

Sorry to say but this is why I’ll be advising my daughter against marrying for £££, sounds miserable.

Unfortunately you have two options, leave and downsize your life and have a chance at finding real happiness - your kids will be absolutely fine in nursery/childcare unless they have SEN, or stick it out.

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:36

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:32

I was 25 when covid hit and my career froze.

I worked in the media/TV. I no longer have the contacts and would have to start from scratch. And they’d rather have people younger than me who can be more flexible with their hours. It just wouldn’t be possible to go back.

Show quote history

So… you need to accept that and consider alternatives

sittingonabeach · 31/10/2025 14:39

How old are your DC? Are your skills transferable?

Original poster
Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:40

I’m 30 and DH is 45.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:40

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:32

I was 25 when covid hit and my career froze.

I worked in the media/TV. I no longer have the contacts and would have to start from scratch. And they’d rather have people younger than me who can be more flexible with their hours. It just wouldn’t be possible to go back.

Show quote history

Actually I would have been 24.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:41

SilverPink · 31/10/2025 14:20

I’m not so sure this is anything to do with the age gap, more that you’re yearning to be young free and single 20s again with no responsibilities and men falling at your feet. The grass isn’t always greener.

I think the age gap between us has forced me to grow up much quicker. All of my friends are still living the same as we were in our early 20s… just with more money and better men! Where as I feel I’m living the life of a 40YO.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 31/10/2025 14:42

I do think you need to find something fulfilling to do with your life. It sounds like you don't have anything that gives you any kind of buzz or excitement.

Why are you so against any kind of childcare? After school club for a couple of hours would allow you more opportunity to work.