WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

The big issue here is you can force yourself to be attracted to someone if you're not. And intimacy is important in marriage - even if it you are sure it's not for you (at such a young age I'd be surprised) it may well be for him (or vice versa).

The grass is always greener. It's easy to look at other people and think they're having a great time, I missed out. But you didn't miss out compared to them, you're just on a different path. Your children are needy at the moment but you will be still quite young when your children are more grown up and independent and you'll able to pick up your own life and goals again.

You are being a bit "all or nothing" in your thinking about childcare and work. You say your kids mean "everything" to you. They obviously don't or you wouldn't feel you were missing out. And it's perfectly normal to want more from life than just motherhood and housewifery. Also normal to feel ancient when you're the mum of young children. You will feel freer and younger as they get older!

You can't have everything but you do have choices and opportunities. You could go back to your career, nursery, paid chldcare and all, and put the hours in. Or you could look into different job and career options, or different activities, ones that fit better with your current commitments, and that you can grow into a new career in a few years time. Look at what's available locally, who could use your skills and interests. It's not just abut the money you can earn right now. It's about your fulfilment, and about building up your opportunities in the longer term.

Life is a compromise. OK, you don't like paid childcare. But you will need some form of childcare since your husband isn't going to take a share and you don't want to do it all. Find a form that works for you - part-time or fulltime, nanny or childminder or nursery, and give it a go.

This is not about your husband's age. This is you figuring out how to make the best of the choices you've made. They say that growing up is when you look at your life and think "I might have blown it". And you really haven't.

Completely unhelpful comments from you two , especially “ ThelivelyRose” ..
I did this & I did that , you’re great 🙄..
What helpful contribution do you think letting OP know how you live your life makes ??
She wants some encouragement & advice , what encouraging words are you speaking ( only bragging about your “great “ life choices ) or what helpful advice are you giving ?? ..
OP has 2 beautiful children & her husband is a good man , they have no financial worries ..
So stop with your wagging finger , “you should have done this, & you should have done that “ .
Like others have advised , look for part time work , arrange date nights , lose that weight that is bothering her ..
Wouldn’t be giving up on my marriage just yet if I was her , over a load of what ifs & buts !!!

17 pages and the Op hasn't been back 😬

How about starting your own business to give you some fulfilment? That way it's hours to suit you too 😊

This is hysterical! Mid 50's? Me and DH are mid 50's and we behave the same way as we did in our 30's. We are just about to go to the Caribbean and will be going to the disco every night. LOL.

Obviously doesn’t like the responses

Hmm. I married an older man & see all this in my marriage. But we are now further on. Unfortunately when you hit 45 and he is 60 the gap will be even more apparent.

You had under active thyroid not peri... That's the point.

Yes, which was CAUSED by my fluctuating progesterone levels in Peri. Never had a thyroid issue prior to that throughout my entire life. Google effects of hormones on thyroid if you dont believe me- plenty of scientific studies abound.

Good grief- do you really not see that hormonal shifts can affect other parts of our bodies? 😳 THAT is the point. My consultant literally told me this and he is a leading world expert in HRT/menopause

I think age gaps can work but it’s dependant on the people. If you’re the young one and love to party then yes it might likely get to a stage where the older partner isn’t up for it as much. If you like a slower pace of life then it’s probably easier to make the age gap work.

I'm in a similar situation and also early 30s, but 28 years between us and one child. I love him to pieces but it's only really dawning on me the age gap. I'm suddenly scared of what will happen in the future, and of being alone, and of being heartbroken. I was in such a whirlwind romance when I married him that I didn't even care about any of this or allow myself to believe it was a reality, but only when we lived together for a while after marriage did I really start to notice certain things that I'm still struggling with. I feel like he thinks he knows everything as he's older, and I've been trying to help him get the zest for life again - the one that young people tend to have - but it seems like he feels he has "been there done that" with most things. He will get older and I will have to care for him. I could go on. But I do love him, and he's a fantastic father to our DC. And he's so many things I love too. I also feel he helped to heal me in many ways and become a better person. I think it was meant to be. Anyway, I really wish you the best and just thought I'd share :)

Your post has a sad resignation, there’s an inevitability that you’ll be his carer.
Did friends or family caution you not to get involved with such big age gap
look I get whirlwind and love is a like a deranged state…but come on? You’re losing your youth and zesty spontaneity to an older adult. Sure, he’s been there done that , and now he’s robbing you of the zest & opportunities he had

@GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo Genuine.question...are you still attracted to your DH? I'm 45 and definitely don't feel attracted to men of 73. My father is pretty much the same age.

You should see it as a glass half full situation and focus on all the things you do have. Your age and financial situation mean you have the gift of time, both in the sense of years ahead of you to develop a whole new career and time in each day to pursue passions without being dragged down by a 9-5. I’m sure your friends envy you!

What do you love doing? What personal goals do you have? What would be your dream career? A big picture example: if a goal is to get fit, you could join a run club to build body confidence and also meet new people. You could love it and it could end up taking you to other places personally, like doing marathons or professionally, such as retraining as a PT. There’s so much opportunity, you just have to take that first step.

As for your marriage, if your husband’s a good man and you loved him once, you can rekindle that if you truly want to. Remember why you fell in love, become partners again, not just parents and spend quality time getting to know these new versions of each other at this stage of life.

Lucky you, but that’s not everyone’s situation, as shown by other posts on here.

Please don’t throw away a charmed life. You don’t realise how lucky you are. The grass is always greener where you water it and conversely, perishes if you neglect it.

Before you make any defining statements and decisions from which you cannot return, take control of your life. Invest time, money and energy in getting yourself where you want to be regarding weight, retraining and try looking after your marriage. When you feel better about yourself, you might be able to rekindle your feelings with your partner. Very few people (I doubt any) have a marriage that works without effort long term. The important thing is you had those feelings at the beginning- yours was not a marriage of convenience- meaning they can be nurtured back. It gets easier when the kids are not so needy and it’s good- great- for your kids to see mummy and daddy enjoying life , having fun not taking it all too seriously. Give your life meaning. Try finding it where you are. Some people look for a perfect life. Some people make the life they have perfect.

Isn't it a marriage of convenience to an extent?

From the OP, it definitely didn’t start that way. Easy to fall into but doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

I am reading everything! Just haven’t had time to reply properly yet. Thanks for all of the advice so far though!

Drop the rigidity about childcare, get a nanny, use a nursery. Retrain go back to work
You are in a situation you created. Haughty misplaced notions about not using childcare will obviously render you unable to work. No career because you literally won’t put in the hours
You are a young woman this is fixable, drop the no childcare stance. Get back to employment. Stop being a mummy martyr. You’ll get no praise, no halo for giving career up for children.

Better men! Is this the root of your yearning?

You do realise she doesn’t mean better men than her DH, but better men than the ones they were dating in their twenties.

But you’re the same age as each other. OP is 15 years younger, so she will notice things you don’t.

My exDH was 17 years older than me. It was all fine until I hit 45 and he was 62, then suddenly I really noticed it. He didn’t though.

But you do understand that when her husband is mid fifties, OP will have turned forty?

Comparing yourself to your husband isn’t the same as comparing yourself to someone 15 years younger.

I am 47 - I know my energy levels, interest, social references etc are probably different to most 32 years younger olds. I am pretty fit and healthy- but no where near as energetic as I was 15 years ago. At 32 I was able to go out until 3am and be at work by 8am the next morning! I did a part time MSc while working and could stay up all night writing my thesis and still put in a challenging day at work on no sleep. That would kill me now!

I doubt you are exactly the same as you were 15 years ago - you are just both aging at the same rate so don’t notice it: