WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

I would look askance at a man who started a relationship with a woman two years out of university when he was halfway through his thirties.

The woman hasn't been through the developmental milestones of her twenties, and it just feels inappropriate and predatory

This is the very reason you are where you are because you are too young for him.And he probably knew that I bet he couldn't believe his luck. He had his twenties without being shackled with kids and responsibilities.

It will only worsen as you age, and you ll possibly end up being a nurse maid to him.

You won't be perimenopausal, by the time you re in your late thirties or early forties, either. Women seem to be diagnosing themselves younger and younger, but it's truly rare under the age of about fifty. And my friend, who is a consultant endocrinologist, told me that.

I hate how women are chomping at the bit to be considered menopausal younger and younger. You're really not perimenopausal in your late thirties.

I don’t think his age has anything to do with it. You
sound stuck in a rut and seem to blame your husband for that - only you can say if that’s fair or not.

This. You need to find two things as I see it - a social life with friends (nothing wrong with 'Mum' friends - I have plenty of those and we go camping with the kids, partying without the kids, glamorous weekends away, not-so-glamorous country walks) and a career. It doesn't have to be your previous career, although I wouldn't completely give up on that. You're only 30, you can retrain, or start with a local part-time job and build up from that. You need to move away from the idea that childcare is a bad thing. We all use it, most of us use it full-time. It's perfectly fine. You sound bored and unfulfilled, which is completely normal. I hated being a SAHM for the short time I did it.

We could all wallow about in wondering about the road not travelled! Put in what you want out of your marriage. Get off your backside and loose the weight, shift your mood and be a better partner. Find your passions again .

Interested to know whether you think there's some element of control of the relationship - did you really both want to move to the country and for you to be a SAHM with no childcare, it have you been influenced by his decisions? Does he want you to be there all the time?

I have quite a few friends in TV who either gave up production jobs when the kids were little and then went back either retraining in post production or research which are more family friendly hours wise or who got nannies.

I do think your attitude to childcare is a bit odd and isn't helping your isolation

I’ve been moping all day feeling sorry for myself, and was questioning whether I am just being ungrateful for what I have.

the answer is a lot clearer for you though- defo ungrateful .

You can’t have it all your way. You have a great life. Grass is not greener on the other side.

You're bored. Don't lay the blame at your husband's door. Put the DC in childcare and retrain for a career doing something worthwhile. Stop dwelling on the past and what could have been.

Open university course
Volunteering
Part time job
Start a business

You need something to do something with your life that isnt just being a Mum or a wife.

Okay, but you could try to a different industry?

Life is too short to waste it on someone you're not in love with - leave and find true happiness. When I was 30, I definitely wouldn't have wanted to be married to a man so much older and live that lifestyle.

There are a lot of words and yet I am still unsure what you are unahappy about.

Lack of love in the relationship?
Missed career?
Boredom?
Or simply not being the object of male attention anymore?

How old are the kids? We have the same age gap and we have young kids. Sex is very infrequent at the moment!

Agree.

‘My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare‘

You can put your kids in childcare and they can still mean everything to you. It’s not mutually exclusive.

Thanks, on the mend now! Accepted my fate and well on the way to being a crazy cat lady and the 'cool' auntie. (Hopefully)

I do blame her husband he got a dolly bird twenty year old when he was halfway through his thirties.And now he's kept her from working to raise their children, and he's in control of all the money.What is she getting out of this

It's difficult to know how to help you, as you seem to have ruled quite a lot of things out.

I would imagine people get into TV and media at all kinds of ages if they really work at it - but you don't consider it possible or worth trying to get back into that.

You also don't seem open to any other form of career.

You have made a decision to reject all forms of childcare, which obviously makes work difficult (though still not impossible).

But basically you seem to have ruled out working.

Therefore I am not sure you have much option other than to stay with your husband, even though you don't seem too keen on him.

You could try to meet another man who would be willing to financially support you I suppose. But it's a bit of a risk.

You could ask your husband if he would be willing to open up the relationship? If he is as bored as you he might, and that would at least provide you with some excitement.

Personally I would hate not to be working, and to be totally reliant on another person. But presumably you are ok with it, as you are actively choosing it in fact?

So I think an open relationship is your only option really. Or find a diverting hobby which fulfills you in other ways.....

I don’t think this is remotely about the age gap, it’s about you feeling generally displeased with the direction in which you’ve steered your life. It seems a bit unfair to blame your husband, even by way of his age, for your own choices. You can’t have it all ways, you chose to give up your career and to move out of London but you are also choosing not to go back to work and potentially find fulfilment in your life because you’re choosing not to entertain the idea of childcare. Despite what they say, we cannot have it all!

This 5000 times over

It sounds like the issue is that you need to fall back in love again - totally doable with a bit of effort from both parties.

I can relate to how you feel right now OP as I’m a similar age to you and got married at a similar age as you did. I often long for that spark, or look at my friends with their lives in big cities and exciting careers and feel a pang of “could I have done that?” but ultimately I’d take my happy family every single time over any other option - I’m sure you probably feel similarly if it really comes down to it.

the spark can come back!!

Have a really long hard think about what you would like to do in the future - your old life and career may not be an option for you anymore but you can still have a career. What fulfills you? Are you creative? Work out what you want to work towards and start doing it! Maybe start a course you can do from home when the kids go to bed?

I know your children are your world right now and I don’t judge you for that but try to maintain some form of self/ identity separate from them. They’ll be in school soon(ish)? Then they’ll be teenagers and won’t want to know you, they’ll eventually move out and be an independent adult. You want avoid your whole world being about your children and losing everything else that makes you, you or you might crumble.

Do you mean you're not 'in love' with each other or you don't really love each other anymore? The in love/honeymoon phase fades out for most relationships, it would be unrealistic to expect anything else not to mention exhausting but the marriage should settle into a loving state i.e. you love each other and still have good times but some of the novelty and sparkle has worn off. Perfectly natural. You have to work at keeping the relationship alive and that's harder with young DC.

I'm 39 and living the same life I was at 30 only we have more kids and more money. I don't really understand your problem tbh and think YABU. Your friends are probably envious of your stable marriage and comfortable lifestyle. I suspect your marriage wont last because you sound as though you feel like you deserve better, although I can't imagine what that might be. In 15 years you'll be 45 married to a 60 year old. Don't waste anymore of your DH time if that isn't what you want. Let him find a woman who appreciates him!

When you say 'I have a great life with DH,' you are lying to yourself since all you can name are material things, then progress to saying how unfulfilled you are.

Is a great life all about holidays and cars? It isn't. and you recognise it now.

It would be mean and shallow to ship out because he is getting older when it was plain this would be unavoidable, but at the same time, quality of life is important and it sounds as if he needs to back off with being a workaholic and bring some quality to the marriage.

And you are still so young that you can lose that extra weight and start doing something to make you more fulfilled. That fulfilment doesn't need to come from work.

I'd sit and have an honest talk with him but avoid blame. Just say you love everything he does and is, that he works hard for you all and you know he adores you. But you would like to spend more quality time together, as well as start developing something for yourself (and losing the weight).

I am 60 and I was around 8st for all my life till menopause. Lately, I'd reached 11st and felt appalling. So, I have changed my diet and joined a large outdoorsy group where every Saturday, exercise takes up the whole day and I have shed most of the extra weight and feel amazing. I do not like having to avoid all the snacks that made me balloon out but I have to.

You can do it; it isn't irretrievable. X

You need to go back to work. Maybe not your old career, maybe a new one. But you need to.

Of course you are not fulfilled. Your life has completely shrunk to just being a mother and home-maker. That isn’t enough for most people. You have to nothing that’s just for you, for your sanity, self-esteem, self-worth. There are many more reasons to work than money.

I had my kids in my late 20’s but I have never felt like you do. But I continued to work (despite not financially needing to), I continued to socialise with my friends on the weekends, continued to go clubbing, go on girls trips abroad. I refused to lose myself despite having children, adoring them, and wanting to be with them all the time.

I’m sure once you start getting out there a bit more, you will start to feel more like your old self.

Exactly. I'm going to be brutally honest, I can't stand the extreme smugness some people have that have the option of being able to stay at home and not use childcare that they somehow love their kids more and they mean more to them.

However the rest of us mere mortals who do have to go and work, don't love our kids any less nor do they mean less just because we have to use childcare. It's far better to have a happier, more balanced mum who works than a resentful, miserable one at home.