WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

Just be realistic. The dating pool you would be entering into now you are older, heavier and with two kids in tow is decidedly murky.
the grass will not be greener. I would try to make the best of what you have

what do you think it is you want ? How you live and behave has nothing to do with numbers/age and is all about your personality and choices - being a mum doesn’t make you or your life boring -I know 60 year olds who just get on and live … I know 20 year olds as dull as dish water but they are happy … it’s not being with a 45 year old that’s the issue it’s how you both are drifting so plan to do more together before looking outside and thinking someone younger is going to change your world …

Oh come off it.

Yes, different people like different things, but let's not pretend that people don't also change their preferences and activities as they get older.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet and chilled in your 20s or being a barfly in your 60s, but don't praise one over the other or pretend that it's far more usual for people to start as one and become the other - especially when they've got two young kids.

Hi @Abcdefghnois it that you’re not attracted to him anymore because of the age gap

I would say before you throw away your marriage, you need to work on yourself and work out what will make you happy. The children won’t be this young forever. Even if you can’t go back to your old role and life, there are so many possibilities. You are in a great position to build a happier life for you, financially comfortable and able to retrain or study. You are still so young. When the children are in fulltime school what do you want to do??
I just think you’ve lost a bit of your sparkle. What do you want to do, that will bring it back?
is the marriage dead in the water …or is your unhappiness about you and your unrealised aspirations clouding it all??

I think that sometimes when we become a ‘wife’ and a ‘mother’ we lose touch with ourselves and what we need. I know in both those roles, I supported….especially in those early years. I watched my husbands career flourish and a part of me did feel resentful about that. I stayed at home and loved being with my son …but felt like I’d lost my career and life outside of being a wife and a mum.
I think there is a point that you need to admit to feeling unfulfilled and take action. If you don’t like where you live, can you move? What are the plans for your career looking ahead? What do you want to do socially ? and get reliable childcare.
You can be a good mum and not martyr yourself. Your happiness is important too.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You had kids. Full stop. The end. So with or without husband you won't get the young and free years back. You made a choice to make babies and it is your problem you won't put them in childcare and you're whinging about it.

You can work, retrain, go to the gym and make changes but you're not being proactive and just sulking when they were YOUR decisions.

Yeah I won't lie, it worries me that my dp is 23 years older than me.

I feel you need to chat to husband and then see if you could start a career in a different industry. You could use childcare even though you dont want to. Could you move to a less quiet area, have a think.

I am not talking about being married to someone you don't love. That is entirely different.
I don't appreciate people putting words in my mouth.
I am talking about "falling out of love" with someone you still love.

Your kids would be fine in nursery, my oldest is always excited to go. Great prep for school too. You can’t think “we agree pre kids I’d be a sahm” you actually having the kids now, it’s fine to revaluate. you’re in a very lucky position from the sounds of it that you could retrain or do something else,
I had kids in my late 30s I wish I was a younger mum, it took longer than planned and this will most likely happen to some of your friends, and at one point I thought it wouldn’t happen. We have several friend who have had IVF too. So the grass isn’t always greener. I also think about if my children wait till they’re almost 40 to have children too about how old I will be as a grandparent.
If you have a very little one maybe find a mum and baby fitness class to do. Or maybe putting the kids in nursery so you can get a bit of time for yourself. Also, I signed up to peanut on the recommendation of mumsnet and met a lovely mum where I lived and ended up with a lovely little group from us signing up to classes.
I saw some else said that you feel like housemates when you have young kids, and I think that is true. I feel like a shell of a person just looking after two kids and I have nothing left to give it my relationship. I have faith that will change as our baby gets older though.

Someone gave me a ❤for saying that the OP is bored with a happy marriage and should find some other interests than her DC. I get the feeling the heart is now being used instead of the lol emoji to suggest a comment is foolish. Would I be right?

I don’t think so. On the odd occasion I get one it appears to be entirely genuine.

I think cos staying together is easier. I have toyed with the idea of a divorce a few times, the most recent being yesterday, all cos he’s the most selfish , self centred person I’ve till date, ever met in my life. He puts himself before everyone else , even the children ..
Yesterday, I actually googled how much hit I’d take financially, were we to actually divorce ( I earn more ) but decided you know what ? It’s not worth it.

If you're not fighting you have everything to fight for... Put equal energy into rebuilding your marriage and developing your interests/an alternative career path. I know it's awful being criticised on MN but you do come across as out of touch and self indulgent. Other men and unattainable lifestyles are not the answer to your problems.

I suggest that you find something that excites you. Be it work related, hobbies, different activities with your husband and/or children. It may look sparkly from the outside but not everyone's single free life can is always so charming or continues to be as the years march on, neither same age couples are always happy. It's easy to fantasise about what could be better. From my perspective you are in a really good position in life. What's missing is a bit of spark, perhaps purpose, which can be reignited. Good Luck.

your husband hasn’t actually mislead you. You got married in your 20s to an older affluent workaholic. Telling this man that you would give up your career and that you did not want to use childcare. You both agreed that you would not put your children in childcare and that you would not work. That’s exactly what’s happened. You have no job no career And you’re maintaining to the plan that you both agreed. You were not misled , Just later on you’ve just got to a point where your friends have also prospered in terms of finances and lifestyle.