WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

the reality is when you marry someone 15 year older that of course they're mature they have more life experience than you, a more established career so it makes more sense (not actually) for you to be the one to take the hit and the things they have to take priority.

You have chosen a different path and comparison is the thief of joy. you dint have to live a 40 year old life. you a build a new career and life for yourself. do not spend your life regretting, go an claim the life you want.

You don't have to sacrifice your life for his goals, you didn't then and you definitely don't now.

Sorry to pry…are you ever intimate with him?

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really

I think this is your issue, more so than DH. You don’t get to to have much of an adult life, except with him. Do you have hobbies? Do you have anything to talk about outside of house stuff and the kids? My DH and I sometimes get stuck in a rut WFH, then one of us goes into the office or on a work trip and we hike back with list of tights to talk about and it’s so love to have a laugh and adult conversation. I get wanting to be with your kids but if you’ve been working and looking after them a couple of days a week, I think you would appreciate the holidays more.

Look - you need to separate things out.

Why are you so opposed to childcare? get a balanced life, work part time and your children can enjoy childcare.Otherwise they will go to school and you will be left with nothing to fill your time.

You get one life. Please don't give up any intellectual fulfilment just because your husband is rich.

Apart from anything else its sets a terrible example for your children.

I have always worked part time in a very fulfulling role - and I have seen plenty of my kids! they spent some time when little with an amazing childminder who was like part of the family - they have enjoyed school, they have enjoyed holiday clubs - and they have also had lots of time with me and their dad.

DOn't blame your husband becaus eyou have chosen a boring unfulfilled life!

Put the kids in nursery a couple of days a week and do a part time job/voluntary work - something for you as you not as a wife or mother.

Join a club, make some more friends.

The grass is definitely not greener and your position is a very good one. Being 25, 2 stone thinner and living in London child free aren’t options now for you so concentrate on building something you are happy with.

Nobody forced anything. You made a choice. You can still make choices. You've chosen not to use childcare, but is that the best option? You can choose to start exercising. You can choose to get back into media, or retrain for something different.

At the moment you're all "Woe is me" as if you didn't have any agency to change things. Carrying on, unnecessarily blaming your husband, won't change anything or make you feel any better about yourself

Stop blaming others and do something about your situation!

You know they will go off to school? I know it seems long Op but in the blink of an eye my kids went from being with the childminder to being at secondary school and walking home with friends and not needing me.

You need a life - you are a young woman with a brain - use it!

You can't do anything about the past.

The future is entirely in your control. Decide what you want and start working towards it.
You could use the years you are at home with children to study for something new, something fulfilling.

Interesting that he can be the skivvy paying for everything so that OP can have a PT and feel less like one, as a PP suggested.

Young kids are a hand grenade in even the strongest relationships. I’d look at a part time job or hobbies before you consider divorce.
My DH is 8yrs my senior, and I do notice the gap now we are 50/60ish as he has a few health issues…

Poor you, sounds terrible

Based on OP's account, that's completely unfair.

I voted YABU because everything you mentioned is fixable or will just naturally change with time. So:

• your marriage - talk to your DH, go to marriage counselling, work at it or, if things really are dead in the water and unsalvageable, separate. I know it feels unimaginable and awful right now, but it really won't be the end of the world.
• your weight - why are you two stone overweight? Is it pregnancy weight you didn't lose? Are you in the habit of grazing all day? Do you eat larger portions than you need? Do you live a sedentary life? I'm willing to bet that you know why you're overweight and also how to fix it.
• Your career - okay this one is trickier, but there are millions of working women out there and many of them juggle working with being parents. Maybe your old career isn't compatible with your new reality and you need to do something a bit different, but you haven't been out of the workplace that long and many workplaces have return to work schemes for women who have fallen out of employment as a result of motherhood. Give it some thought. Be open-minded about using skills you have and about what kind of opportunities exist locally or within a reasonable commute of where you live.
• Childcare - if this is the only thing holding you back I think you need to look at the various options. If you don't like the thought of nursery, what about a childminder or nanny? You and your DH clearly aren't short of money and you sound miserable. I honestly think you'd be happier if you were back at work, even if was just 2 or 3 days a week. You've lost your identity and you're stuck at home and lonely. Please give it some thought. Good childcare is actually good for children and it's certainly better than being stuck at home with a miserable mother!
• Big picture - it's true that you're quite young to be married with two kids, but one day you'll be free again to live a more carefree life and you'll be a lot younger than your friends who are taking longer to settle down. Even if you stay at home now, your kids won't need you forever. I know it feels like they will, but as a mother of teens I can tell you that life changes, kids grow up and one day you'll be able to dive back into a career, if that's what you want. They're only little for a few years. I'm glad I was around for my kids in the early years. I'm now 50 and back at work and having a great time, but you'll be much younger than me when you're in that position.

I changed careers several times last time I was 36. Career not just a job to pay the bills. You’re being defeatist. And children often see the example of a hard working mother and are more hard working themselves. Get a nanny and find another job. What’s your degree in ?

The thing is OP, nothing can take you back to your 20s and the life you had then.

Even if you leave your husband and go back to work, you will still be in your 30s with 2 children to look after, and you will likely find a lot of the people you look at as living the dream of the early 20s life will likely start to settle down too.

All you can do is think about what could make you happier right now. Even if you put your children in nursery a couple of mornings a week as you're not ready to put them in for more time, you could use that time to go to the gym/run/go for a walk/meet a friend. Just some time to yourself to just be you again.

Do you have anyone local who can babysit for you? Maybe you could have an evening out with your husband where you get dressed up and just enjoy yourselves.

It is hard with young kids but the time does pass.

You've got the seven year itch OP.

You can be anything you want to be while you are healthy and in a relatively good place.. Life's full of ups, downs, choices and sacrifices. Live for the moment and try not to compare your life with what you think is other peoples. Their reality will be as equally happy and spiky as yours.

And if the reality of yours is too hard to be in then you need to make some difficult choices.

But you are in your 30s, you arent early 20s. I dont have an age gap relationship and I certainly didnt live the exact same lifestyle at age 30 that I did at age 22! Nor did any of my friends.

At age 22 for example, I was out clubbing at least 4 nights a week, a complete social butterfly, and going to work hungover most of the time.

By age 30, I didnt have children yet but I had a much more responsible job that couldnt allow the hedonism I enjoyed when I had just left uni. Plus the fact that clubbing in your 30s make you feel quite old since the age group doing that is usually 18-25 ish

I am a bit confused as to what you think a 30 year old should be doing because looking after young kids doesnt sound like someone living "in their 40s" to me 🤷‍♀️

It’s a bit mad to refuse to consider any form of childcare whatsoever. What do you think is better for kids, a happy mother who has something fulfilling to do (whatever it is) while they are at nursery/childminder, or one who is bored out of her mind? It’s in their interests as well as yours that you are happy!

also you are massively looking back at media/TV work with rose tinted glasses. I work in media, used to work in TV and I don’t know anyone who isn’t deeply depressed, desperate to get out and earning less than they did 15 years ago. You should definitely consider getting back into work, but open your mind to other options.

I think you need to go back to work and stop being just mom and wife. See some different faces during your day, go out for work drinks once in a while etc. And
maintain your relationship with your husband… Of course you can’t do the same things as you use to pre kids but go out for dinner once in a while, like you did before, maybe fav restaurant in London? Do some fun things for yourselves! I am in exact scenario as you although I’m currently pregnant and I said it all the way… I am going back to work. Yes I am a wife and I’ll be a mom soon but I’m also my own person, I still want to have career, see clients, talk to people about current affairs, business and so on….
If you have a good husband who is a good to you and your children, he is kind etc. Hold on to him ! Grass is not always greener!

Are you still having sex?
I always think that when that goes away, a relationship is in big trouble.

Excellent post. Sorry to hear you have been unwell.

I'm afraid I also agree with this and that you are being a bit of a martyr.

I also dont understand what you mean about living as if you are in your 40s.

There really isnt a huge difference between 30 and 40 in terms of lifestyle.

I would actually say there is a much bigger difference between 20 and 30. It's not like on the cusp of your 40th birthday you are suddenly banned from going out or having fun. I think you need to start taking responsibility for your choices and if you dont like them then make different ones. None of us can travel back in time to our 20s, not even your friends so instead of dwelling on it, look at what you can do to bring more joy/fulfilment into your life.

What makes those men better, and not just younger?

Can you pivot - Communications jobs in local government are not too badly paid, and are likely to offer some flexibility while raising your children.

You’re only 30… surely after the kids are a bit more grown up and independent, you can leave your husband and find a more fulfilling relationship with someone younger? You’d still only be in your 40s!

Try not to get down about it, your time will come 😊