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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

442 replies

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:05

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 31/10/2025 14:42

@Abcdefghno

If he doesn't love you you need to be planning to support yourself. Your life can change at the click of his fingers.

BauhausOfEliott · 31/10/2025 14:43

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:12

We get on and don’t argue. But I don’t think I’m in love with him and I don’t think he is with me either, to be honest. The house isn’t unhappy in the slightest, but there’s no passion there anymore.

Show quote history

That's got nothing to do with his age.

JLou08 · 31/10/2025 14:44

You need something for you. Given weight is something you mentioned maybe set a goal for fitness and start working out. Look in it jobs for when DC start school if they haven't already. Is there something similar to your old role where you could keep up with some of the knowledge and skills but not have the need to put in so many hours? If you do something like that it may be easier to get back into you'd career when DC are teens. Or maybe something completely new for work or just a volunteer role which will have less commitments.

Thistooshallpsss · 31/10/2025 14:45

There’s nothing wrong with having several careers and different priorities at different times in your life. No need to upturn your whole world. You can retrain volunteer join a gym and organise just a bit of childcare to give you the freedom to reinvent yourself. And as another poster said marriage needs work so both of you need to do this. You can feel so different at different points in your life but once you blow up your marriage there’s no going back for any of you.

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:45

Ok so you are missing your career from 5 years ago
You have put on weight and feel a bit grim about it
Your marriage is without passion and neither party actually really want to be together

Accept your past media job in the past and be excited about what lies ahead and what you need to do to get there

change diet and start exercising

try counselling

LadyDanburysHat · 31/10/2025 14:48

I had my first child in my mid 20s and worked part time jobs up until I turned 40, then got myself a career. But I was happy with that. I don think even part time work might make you feel better about yourself.

MrsWhites · 31/10/2025 14:50

Hmm I think you are unfairly blaming your husbands age as the problem here. You are unfulfilled with your own life - that’s nothing to do with his age. Thats the decisions you have made (with and without him).

I mean that with kindness - my husband is older than me, I gave up my career to support his career and stay at home with our children too. I have gone back to university in the last year to do something for me.

Drylip · 31/10/2025 14:52

MrsWhites · 31/10/2025 14:50

Hmm I think you are unfairly blaming your husbands age as the problem here. You are unfulfilled with your own life - that’s nothing to do with his age. Thats the decisions you have made (with and without him).

I mean that with kindness - my husband is older than me, I gave up my career to support his career and stay at home with our children too. I have gone back to university in the last year to do something for me.

This

He has nothing to do with fact op is overweight and doesn’t seem to have looked at any other professions aside from looking back at her media days in her early twenties

VioletandDill · 31/10/2025 14:53

You're being a bit of martyr imho.
You could retrain or go back to work, but it would be hard work. You could lose weight, but it would be hard work. Your DH sounds like a decent bloke who you could make a go of it with, but that would be hard work. You could leave, but that would be hard work too. You've got to do some hard work if you want things to change - you're starting ahead of most people because you've got enough money not to worry about dropping earnings if you do want to go back to work. Don't blame your DH.

FWIW, I spent my 20s and early 30s partying and being all glam - the plan was to have kids later
Without wanting to completely bum you out, then I got cancer and probably won't be able to have any. So count your blessings on that front too.

It's not too late. Carpe Diem.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 31/10/2025 15:00

I agree with others that this is not really about your relationship.

You have a choice: put the children in childcare while you find a fulfilling career for yourself (go back to study/training if needed), OR make peace with being a SAHP and the life you have, for now.
Even if you don't use childcare immediately, have you decided how old the DC need to be before you go back to work? Make a decision and a plan.

It is not up to your husband to make your life fulfilling for you.
It is impossible to turn the clock back.
You have to decide what you are going to do with your life, make a plan, and get on with it.

SkippingClara · 31/10/2025 15:01

I think you are getting some good advice here. I think you should step back from watching your friends lives and comparing their lives to yours. Their social media will only show their good days in all probability. Marriages go through stages and it is possible to reconnect and get some spark back. Losing a little weight might help boost your morale. Put a little effort into your relationship with your husband and see how that goes.

Notonthestairs · 31/10/2025 15:01

You’re being a bit passive.
And romanticising what might have been.

Study or retrain.
Find childcare you can trust. Talk to your husband without blaming him for yours/joint choices.

You’re only 30!

Teado · 31/10/2025 15:02

The worry is that if he doesn’t love you, and senses that you’re indifferent to him, he’ll meet someone else and initiate a divorce. That makes you vulnerable, in a town with no friends, no interests, and no job. I really think that you need to make changes in preparation for this. This will mean using childcare as many others do. You may find that you and your husband actually reconnect when you start feeling better.

HedwigEliza · 31/10/2025 15:06

The years past are just that. They’ve gone, and you can’t get them back. Stop looking at what your friends are doing. They’re not living your life. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, and objectively you’re very fortunate. Everyone’s carefree days are fleeting, and everyone has to get on with the adult life eventually. So what if you’re there before your friends?

Wtfhas · 31/10/2025 15:07

There's 19 years between me and DH.We've been together 21 years and I still feel the same about him as I did at 20. We adore each other, age has never been a factor. Ant marriage needs work from both sides

SL2924 · 31/10/2025 15:07

Plenty of mums work. Plenty of single mums work. I think you need to think a bit harder about what potential jobs and careers would be open to you and gain some independence. There’s no point in just writing it off totally otherwise how will you actually ever be able to get out of your situation. If the marriage is already dead in the water then it’s probably not going to last in the long term so you need to be prepared.

StandFirm · 31/10/2025 15:08

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:32

I was 25 when covid hit and my career froze.

I worked in the media/TV. I no longer have the contacts and would have to start from scratch. And they’d rather have people younger than me who can be more flexible with their hours. It just wouldn’t be possible to go back.

Show quote history

But then, everyone I know in the media/tv industry is struggling anyway. As a pp mentioned, it might be a good idea to look for something you can build from scratch and in your area. You are unfulfilled right now but you are also so young! There is time to turn things around professionally.

casualcrispenjoyer · 31/10/2025 15:08

isn’t there money to throw at some of your problems?

for the massive workaholic he is- I would expect there to be enough in the pot for a Koru kids style nanny twice a week, a PT for you and a chance to do things that make you feel like a person and not a skivvy?

MidnightPatrol · 31/10/2025 15:11

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:32

I was 25 when covid hit and my career froze.

I worked in the media/TV. I no longer have the contacts and would have to start from scratch. And they’d rather have people younger than me who can be more flexible with their hours. It just wouldn’t be possible to go back.

Show quote history

Given you were only 25 when you stopped, you’d barely started anyway.

It’s not like you were 15 years into a legal career or something.

I think you’re making excuses for yourself - both the above, but also not wanting to use any childcare.

If you have a job there will be life beyond the four walls of your house and your family.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 31/10/2025 15:12

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.

You love your DC, want to be sahm and use no childcare, have a wealthy hard working partner

But ALSO want a fulfilling career that would definitely require childcare, to date hot men your age, and be free and living the single life

Those things can't all happen at the same time

You do however sound bored as fuck. There are definitely things you can do about that.

Suggest you work out what you can compromise on. Maybe have counselling to unpick the real issues.

And remember the grass really isn't always greener, and comparison is the thief of joy.

Murdoch1949 · 31/10/2025 15:13

You're in control of your life. You're annoyed with your own choices and implicating your husband in your own possible mistakes. Give the guy a break, he's working hard to give you all a good life. If you're unhappy, work towards changing things.

Drylip · 31/10/2025 15:13

I think you’re looking at the past with huge rose tinted specs on

HedwigEliza · 31/10/2025 15:14

casualcrispenjoyer · 31/10/2025 15:08

isn’t there money to throw at some of your problems?

for the massive workaholic he is- I would expect there to be enough in the pot for a Koru kids style nanny twice a week, a PT for you and a chance to do things that make you feel like a person and not a skivvy?

And he’s the skivvy who pays for it all…

RaininSummer · 31/10/2025 15:18

It sounds like you have a lovely life with lots of potential for change to find more fulfilment. You can't turn the clock back but look for opportunities now and do consider some childcare if needed. Realistically it's do this and make your marriage work or separate and go down that road of single parenthood, access visits, moving home and probably still childcare for your kids as you will need to work and will have a lot less choice .

Ibizaonmymind · 31/10/2025 15:18

Abcdefghno · 31/10/2025 14:12

We get on and don’t argue. But I don’t think I’m in love with him and I don’t think he is with me either, to be honest. The house isn’t unhappy in the slightest, but there’s no passion there anymore.

Show quote history

Can you get it back? Was it passionate at the beginning?
It might be retrievable if you both want it but it sounds like neither of you are bothered.

You need to make a change. Either work on your marriage and get your own life or divorce him. Don’t stay in this boring existence ffs, you’re so young. Show your kids there is more to life.

Childcare isn’t evil, you can get a balance especially once they’re at school. If you stayed together and you wanted to work, you have options. Childminder, part time nanny for pick ups etc.