WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

[Abcdefghno]

DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

A long career in media and TV is not all it’s cracked up to be. Excessively long hours, horribly competetive and there is very little TV work out there anyway. My friends who are still in TV (I escaped to do a much less glam job, which I love) are on their knees right now.

I’m interested in why you have ruled out childcare? Given your financial situation, you could afford a nanny, so you’d hardly be ‘sticking them in nursery’ (bit of a pejorative way to describe something most parents have no choice but to do!). I get the feeling you’re putting barriers in your own path. You’ve headed off every possible suggestion anyone could make with reasons you ‘can’t’ do it. The truth is, you absolutely could get a lovely nanny, retrain or work from home with no pressure to be a breadwinner (with media experience you could do copywriting or producing content for influencers, or do something totally different). I don’t mean this in a cruel way, but I feel like you maybe wanted validation that your life sounds amazing as it is. Which it may be, but you’re not happy in it. And you have the means to change that. So go for it!

Take a deep breath, list all the positive things in your life (and there seem to be plenty) and then look at what you want to change that can be changed.

You can go on a diet if you think that will help you to feel better about yourself, you can start to research alternative careers and put in place steps to get there and you can invest some time and energy into your marriage.

At 30 I had a toddler and a baby and no career to speak of. I was a SAHM until the youngest went to school and then took part time work to fit in with school hours. That led me to understand what career I really wanted so I retrained and went full time when the kids were teenagers. I loved every different stage of that for different reasons. There are loads of different ways to do life, it doesn’t have to be the cookie cutter life you see on SM.

Talk to your DH about what you’d like to do to work towards having a career at some point (courses, work experience etc) and find a way together to make that happen. Make the most of the time you have now with the children and remind yourself that this stage won’t last forever. Be proactive in your own life and work as a team with your DH to make joint goals.

It’s also worth remembering that if you have your DC young, you will still be relatively young and fit when they leave home. Our youngest went to uni when we were late forties and we’ve been loving the freedom and opportunities that brings ever since. We’ve also got more disposable income than we had in our twenties to enjoy it!

Do you ever go out just you and DH and do something adulty and fun? Like going clubbing, or go Karting, or a bar crawl or cookery classes etc.

I am a "housewife" and tbh most of the time it's completely miserable (but then again I have crippling anxiety and OCPD so being out and about living a fancy free life is not an option). I spend waves of time feeling negatively towards my husband probably because I've not really got much else in my life and he's an easy target for my misery, but it's not him, it's me.

Sometimes I absolutely adore the bones of the man and a reality check hits me that I could never and wouldn't ever want to live without him. What I've noticed though is that whenever we go out and fully do something just him and me, not the kids, we seem to reset our relationship (me more than him, he adores me pretty much all the time anyway) and we spend weeks just being really nice and respectful and kind to each other and everything just feels nice again. It lifts a bit of the cloud for me and in turn I'm nicer and he's more considerate etc. If your husband spends long hours at work, and you get resentful at home, neither of you are doing anything specifically for your relationship. You end up feeling alone, and then resentful and jealous of others and trapped, and so on.

I think you need to revisit the childcare decision. Are you sure you haven't got yourself stuck in a "we don't want to use any childcare" position that you agreed to before you'd even had children, and didn't fully understand the implications of it for you, and now find it difficult to retract?

Being a SAHM isn't for everyone. You sound bored and unfulfilled. It may be true that you can't return to your previous career, but I'm sure you can find something that will make you feel more fulfilled than you do now. You're at a huge advantage compared to many because it sounds like you'll be able to afford to retrain. Have a think about what you'd like to do.

I think that if you had a more rewarding life you might feel differently about your marriage and the decisions you've made along the way.

There are lots of other things you could do.

What do you envisage you'll do when the kids start school?

I need to work to pay the mortgage but even if i didnt i wouldnt keep DC at home with me the whole time. They learn so much from going to nursery.

Oh for goodness sake OP, stop wallowing. You are acting like your life is over. You're only 30.

I took a 10 year break to raise my children from 31- 41 and started my own business from scratch, at age 42. I now employ 50 people. I had no experience of running a business previously, worked it all out myself. It was bloody hard work, but as a previous poster says, staying stagnant and miserable is just as hard. You will have to choose your hard.

Formulate a plan to address the things you are unhappy about and then take aciotn. The only person stopping you, is you.

I second that. My age gap was 12 years with my EXH and my part time job was my lifeline made me feel like I was ‘me’ again a couple of days a week. Mum friends (sorry if I offend anyone) can be so boring and I found that we had no fun or conversations that didn’t include the children. One question I have it what you do together without children do you have babysitters or anyone that can allow you to both go on a weekend away. I found that away from home we reminded ourselves why we gravitated to each other in the first place.

better men than who your dh ?i bet theyre not dont belive everything you see online

anyway noone forced yout have kids and marry it was your choice

Regrets are useless and you can't magically re-trace your steps and start over. Instead decide what would make you feel happier and more satisfied with life. It's easy to blame a partner when the excitement seems to have evaporated but is that really the issue, and, if it is, what do you want to do about it? Divorce is a possibility but you'll still have your children - you won't be free and unencumbered for years, so the party lifestyle isn't really a possibility anymore. And it sounds like it wasn't what you wanted anyway when you were in a place to pursue it?

Talking to a counsellor may help? I agree with others though about having some life of your own away from the children - it doesn't need to be a high powered career - part time role or voluntary work?

if you own a home with swimming pool and tennis courts, perhaps you can organise parties for kids and mums and be charitable and experience life this way

You’ve got a good life, count your blessings, and stop yearning for your youth. It’s gone. 🤷‍♀️

So, what do you actually want? Because I would think long and hard before you walk away from this set up.

He's got money but I'm being shallow......

I'm sort of rolling my eyes at this.

You've got "Grass is greener"itis. It can be very serious.

Do you enjoy your life? If not change something. You don't have to throw away your marriage.

I really don't think it has much to do with your DH's age at all.

Giving up work to be a SAHM to two small children is what has caused you to grow up faster, and thats a choice you made and one presumably you were happy to make, having selected a wealthy and suitable man to do so with.

The industry you were in is (if you're camera facing) a short term one for most people and for anyone, its only as good as your current contract, nothing is guaranteed and it moves on fast, so no matter when, or why, you stepped off the roundabout there, you'd have had the same issues in stepping back on again.

You have lots of opportunity that cash and time provide, to do something meaningful with your life - most women with small pre-school age children will feel tied and limited, that's pretty much what it says on the tin, you'd be daft to expect anything else.

If you don't love your husband, thats a seperate issue for you to resolve, but I wouldn't rush to blame not being in love with him for the emotions you're going through right now!

Okay so I'm a bit confused about the timing of everything but it sounds like you had children when you were 25/26 (so quite young) and that would make the children both under 4 (so still quite young).

I think it's quite normal for your relationship to go a bit flat when the children are young because you just don't have enough time for each other and you can't do as many romantic/fun things because children are always there. Maybe it's harder to accept this phase in life because your 20s felt like it was cut short.

When the children get older you'll be a bit more freed up to focus on a career? Also I don't think it matters what you "agreed" before you had children. Noone can anticipate how having children will affect you and change your life so don't be held to something you agreed to prechildren, you didn't have the full information.

I agree with this. You've made a choice to be a SAHM because of your views on childcare. That's fine but you need to own the decision and take responsibility for your choices instead of blaming your husband for your unfulfilling life.

Is there reason you don't want to use childcare? Plenty people, myself included use nurseries snd childminders and have done for years and years and our children are no worse off than those that have been at home.

A few things:

1. Life with small children is extremely boring. Everyone questions their life choices when they're running after a toddler and are tied to a 7 pm bedtime for what feels like infinity.

2.Your friends' lives will flip considerably once they have kids, at a time when you will be getting some freedom. So hold on there.

1. Some childcare is ok. If he is a high earner, get a part time nanny and use the free time to study or find yourself. My son's nanny is a wonderful human being. She does a better job than me!!
2. Be grateful for what you have. As I say, life with small kids is boring. God knows that in the first year of my DC's lives in thought about leaving or killing DH daily.

It's often an unpopular viewpoint, but I am dead against massive age gap relationships
Especially where the woman is very young.

You had not yet been through the developmental milestones of your twenties.And you found a man half way through his thirties and settled down and had kids. No wonder you feel you're missing out.

Ive also well established my career. No way would I have neglected my own life and career plans.

I'm with a man my own age. I'm only in my late thirties. But for me, a man well into his forties and fifties would just seem too old. I've never like dating anyone any more than about five years older than me.

I loved messing around throughout my twenties with guys the same age living a young, twenty, something life. Yes, the men were immature, but so was I.

I wouldn't have wanted to live a mid thirties lifestyle when I was only 20.

But some women could be happy with what you have, and the real issue is, you are not and you don't love your husband any more.

If you split from him, you ll probably have to go back to work. I guess the plus point is that once your youngest is about ten, you'll only be in your mid thirties. You'll have some kind of life back but it won't be the same.You'll be a divorcee with two kids.

I don't know what the answer is.As you literally can't have time back. Try to ignore what might have been and focus on what you want now. What is that?

I was 24 when DP (27 at the time) had DD. Not through choice, we'd been together 11 months and DD just turned up. Wouldn't change things now but it wasn't what we wanted at the time.

And yes, it does mean you grow up quicker, and you're out of step with your friends etc. Had DD not shown up, then I'd have felt able to take more risks, and probably been earning more now as a result, rather than having always taken the safe job. And yes, me and DP would have been able to go on more adventures, been a bit wilder before we settled down.

DD is turning 18 next week, and the benefits of having had her early are really showing themselves now. Me and DP have our freedom again, and we've got the money and the energy to really enjoy it. I watch my friends running after toddlers in their late 30's and early 40's, and think thank fuck that's not me.

The difference between you and me though @Abcdefghno , is that me and DD are at the same stage. You're not, and you won't be when your kids get to their late teens. You'll be wanting to make up for the time you've lost, whereas your husband will likely be wanting to start to slow down. Couple that with the fact that you don't really love him, and that doesn't exactly sound like a recipe for happiness. I don't know what the answer is here, but if you've got this "perfect" life and you're still not happy, then things aren't likely to improve for you without changing something up massively.

OP I don't think you have wasted your years whatsoever, and perhaps you'd benefit from some counselling to stop comparing yourself to others. I always used to say my life would've been better if I'd done this or that. A counsellor made it very clear, that life could've been different, not necessarily 'better'.

There’s a 6 year age gap between me and DP and that’s more than big enough….15 years would be too big for me …..especially as you get older

None of what you're experiencing is surprising. It's one of the reasons there is a a fair amount of cultural scepticism about large age gaps, especially if the young person is still in the flush of youth.

But you can't remake the past. Stop focusing on what might of been. It's a fantasy that can ruin your appreciation of your current life and stop you moving forward in a different direction.

Start thinking about what is the best life you can make for yourself. You're still young. I would suggest, especially with a DH you don't think is in love with you, that you strongly consider including building a career as a priority. Go to the gym/start hiking/whatever works for you, and get yourself strong, fit and feeling good about your body. Ensure your contraception is rock solid. Your kids, or at least one, are likely about starting schools now, and that's going to start freeing up some time. Use that time wisely to put things in place that will build a better life for you.

I've already said this in another thread and had weird comments about doctors and soldiers 😂 but I will always say this on threads like this (and I'm not up for having an argument/discussion). Our brains don't fully develop till we're 25, and in any big age gap relationship where there's already an imbalance of power (often older men, younger women),the older person wanting a relationship with someone in their late teens/early 20s is problematic and predatory.

@Abcdefghno if you're not happy in a relationship, you're entitled to leave. It's not always easy, but it sounds like financially you're in a good position? And I guarantee it will be harder in 10 years when you're 40 and he's 55. Lots of women think 'oh I'll wait till the kids are older', but by that point they're ground down even more and perimenopausal or in menopause, so less likely to be able to go out and enjoy life. (Though I say that as a perimenopausal woman who is definitely enjoying life!)

You say he adores you - massive plus. He'll be more likely to listen to your needs/wants.
You are still young and already have your children - massive plus. Many possible working/studying years ahead of you. You have young children at an age where you have the energy for them.
You are very comfortable financially - massive plus. You can take your time to establish a new career.
There's no passion - this needs work. You are in a good position to initiate change in this area. He'll love you for it and hopefully take your lead. If this doesn't happen, talk to him.
You are unhappy with your weight - you are in an excellent position to throw money at this - but you need to make the effort too.
It feels like you can't be bothered to make an effort, and are blaming your husbands age for everything.
Meanwhile, he's working very hard for a family you say he adores (I'm not suggesting he's perfect, or hasn't let his priorities become skewed).
Your friends lives will change. Some will be very envious of you right now, and more so as their freedom is curbed in the next few years.
I hope you can start to recognise the positives in your position and things work out well for your family.