WWYD? Big age gap and no where to turn…

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DH and I have been married for a few years now. There is a 15 year age gap between us. We met a couple of years after I had finished uni.

I had a great life - starting a really great career, living in London, lots of friends. (Would never say this in real life but hell - it’s MN and anonymous so who cares!) I was slim, glamorous and was always able to get any guy I wanted on a date. I met DH who had a fantastic job, great looking and we really hit it off.

We had a great couple of years… lots of holidays, having fun together. I loved that he was older and much more mature than men my own age.

The Covid years hit and we decided to have a baby. We now are married with 2 gorgeous DC.

We moved out of London for DH’s job to a really boring area and I’m a SAHM. We discussed this prior to having kids and I agreed on being a SAHM - neither of us wanted to have kids and stick them in nursery.

However, I’m now early 30s and all I can think about is what could have been. DH is now mid 40s. I see people my age marrying people our age and all of the men that were previously immature all seem to have grown up and are settling down. I notice the age gap between me and DH now, whereas it didn’t seem so big at the start of our relationship.
I had so much potential in my chosen career and I gave it all up. I couldn’t even go back to it anymore as I no longer have the contacts I used to, and I can no longer put in the hours that would be required.

I have a great life with DH. He is a complete workaholic but me and the DC have everything we could ever want and he adores us. We have a lovely house in a ‘good’ area, nice cars, multiple abroad holidays a year etc. but I just feel so unfulfilled. I have no friends other than ‘mum friends’ as we moved away and I’m the only one that’s had kids so we just grew apart. I never got to do the living alone and dating thing really and I really regret that. I see what all of my old friends and university colleagues are up to and I’m so envious of how ‘free’ their lives are.

My DC mean everything to me. I don’t feel comfortable putting them into childcare so I can’t ever work full time really. DH’s work means that he wouldn’t ever be able to regularly help with school drop offs/pick ups etc. This is what we agreed prior to kids. I would never earn even 1/10th of what DH does so it just doesn’t make sense for him to give up work in any capacity.

I’m also now a couple of st heavier and feeling like I wasted all of my glam, skinny years!!!

Not sure what I’m looking for by writing this really. Just any advice or thoughts welcome!

You sound quite stuck in a rut.
There’s no reason you can’t lose weight, have a job, start a business etc
You might not be able to do exact same role but think about what you enjoyed. If it was getting glammed up and talking to people look for something that fits that.

Shoulda woulda coulda. There's a point we all think about what would happen if life was different. You could be single, with no job, no kids and aimless in life. Who's to say the life you have now isn't the best life you could have?

I think you need to carve out "you" in the life you have, either via a different type of work, or study, and via new hobbies. You need to be thankful for what you do have.

Shoulda woulda coulda. There's a point we all think about what would happen if life was different. You could be single, with no job, no kids and aimless in life. Who's to say the life you have now isn't the best life you could have?

I think you need to carve out "you" in the life you have, either via a different type of work, or study, and via new hobbies. You need to be thankful for what you do have.

Why is he a skivvy? He’s the one who wanted a trophy wife to stay home and raise his kids so he can be Mr big bollocks.

can you please elaborate on the point you are making?

because it sounds like because the husband works outside the home and OP is ‘only’ at home, looking after two preschoolers- you think OP should never have any free time for herself to exercise and maintain friendships?

But the life of someone in their early 30s and someone in their 40s generally isn't very different at all? I'd get it more if you were early 20s, but a lot of people over 30 are settled with children.

I agree with PP that it's likely more a lifestyle/relationship issue than an age one.

I do sort of understand because when I was in my 20s I worked in the kind of job where people were young and lively and out all the time, and sometimes I miss those days (now I'm in my 30s and have a child), but I am also aware that actually a lot of the people I worked with are now married with kids and so those nights out are filled with the younger crowd.

Some industries do tend to attract a more 'partying' crowd and I'm guessing you worked in one of these? Sales/recruitment/finance etc. Is there a reason a lot of the people you worked with are still living like they're in their early 20s? Because I feel like a lot of people wouldn't look on that with admiration, but more that it's a bit sad?

I don't think getting married young is the problem and it's certainly not the age gap (yet). It's the giving up work and becoming a SAHM. It's all very well deciding you don't want DC in childcare. It's worse for DC with divorced parents.

I think you are romanticising the parts of your 20s you "lost" . Also glam and skinny years can also come later in life. All your friends will be tied to teen dc and you'll be off on outside school holidays holidays.

I'd be very surprised if some of your friends didn't start having babies soon if they're early 30s and have partners, maybe you will feel better when they catch up and you're all in the same boat again.

It does have a whiff of this, I'm afraid OP.

My husband and I are the same age and had loads of fun travelling and had our son at 34. We both work, son is in nursery 3 days a week.

Yes, the passion is only an infrequent visitor, and we probably argue plenty compared to you and your husband, but that's not uncommon with young kids.

I think you need to get over your stigma of childcare and see if you can find a childminder or nursery that will take them two afternoons or mornings a week. Use them for exercise, for plotting your next career move, whatever.

You can't bash your stable relationship unless you take an effort with the dissatisfaction you have with yourself.

I agree with this. We started our family in our mid twenties for example and so did a relative and one of our friends. None of us had amazing careers by then and none of us were really the partying type. All of the parent friends I subsequently made were a lot older than me but the age gap wasn't important, it was the life circumstances (and obviously personalities!) that drew us together. I don't consider we were living the life of a 40yr old when I was 27 with 2 DC for example. I just consider I was living the life of a 27yr old with 2DC. Met plenty of people via work in their 40s and child free so obviously vastly different lifestyles. That's not age though it's just different choices.

There is 12 years between me and husband and we've been together 16 years. He's in his 60s now and his health is failing and ill probably lose him early but he has been my light in the dark all this time. One in a million bloke. I still get butterflies when I'm due to see him or when he rings me.

You don't sound as if you ever liked yours. Was it a seduction of a nice life?

You're stuck in a rut. If you're not happy then do something about it. If you're not happy with your weight then do something about it. Get a PT job so you've got something else in your life. Retrain so you will be able to support yourself if you eventually split up

You're looking at the past, you can't go back and the grass isn't always greener.

You signed up for every step of what you’ve done and enjoyed the benefits of it. You don’t get to make all the choices in the world - to be single and have a rich older boyfriend, to be a SAHM and not put kids in childcare AND keep your career. You can’t make both choices so you have to be satisfied with the choices you made.

If you’re jealous of others, maybe they were jealous of you before. Let it go.

You say you wasted your ‘glam skinny years’ but did you waste them being with someone you supposedly love who has given you a good life, two children and no need to work?

If you’re sad because you’re fatter, older and less shiny well we all age OP. Has being with your older husband maybe made you feel older than your peers faster?

Well yeah, you are. You married someone that age and now have settled into that 40-something life with him.

Since you have kids already you can’t really go back. Would therapy help you come to terms with it?

Spot on

Don’t remain as a SAHM. Honestly, that’s a massive risk. Look at where you stand today; you’re not content, you feel the spark has gone. What if your marriages slides South? The feeling of isolation and lack of connection may all be because you have young kids ie. circumstantial, and mendable - but what if it’s not? What if the drift continues and he decides it’s not really working for him either?

Separating at 35/40, when he doesn’t need much if any assistance to look after the kids on his nights/weekends, you’ll be many years unwaged and have a lot fewer options than you’d have had if you’d done something about it now. 30 is very, very young.

Okay, the kids are still quite small now, but by the time they’re at school you will absolutely be able to work full time or with the potential to opt for that if something goes wrong. As he earns a fortune then you should have options about how to care for them if there’s a shortfall in parental availability. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking they’re your life’s work. They may be the most important thing to you, as they are to many of us, but honestly, no-one gives a fuck how much you didn’t want to put your kids into nursery when your marriage ends and you’re left scrabbling around. They just want a CV.

Why not work on getting back to some sort of independent life? You have not been out of the workplace that long, if you had a media-related profession then look at female returner programmes. Media is trickier than some vocational positions (as in had you been an accountant, for example) but you’ll have many transferable skills and attributes - if you feel you lack qualifications, can you get them now? Could you work in comms or HR? What would you actually LIKE to do that you can do now? Forget about what used to be and think about what could be. More marriages end than don’t - yours may not but plan for all eventualities. I feel you’re quite vulnerable and don’t necessarily know it.

Where does it say that he wanted her to stay home? It sounds like it's both their decision not to use childcare (something OP has repeated) and that they discussed it beforehand. OP hasn't mentioned that she felt pressured into it and it sounds like COVID had an impact on her chosen industry, not just having children.

OP - the friend's you're jealous of, do they have children yet? I'm not sure if this is an age gap issue, more of a being at different life stages. Your friends who appear to be glamorous and free on insta are likely glamorous and free because they don't have children yet, not because they don't have an age gap. You're also only seeing the edited highlights - I've got a lot of friends who very much aren't enjoying dating in their 30s.

I think that you need to decide what is causing you the most unhappiness at the moment and look into ways to improve this.
I know that a lot of women can be heavier after having children. Then if your at home all day with kid's, doing all the housework and have no free time for yourself your probably eating more, snacking on biscuits sweets ect. Your eating because your unhappy and unhappy because your eating. Then it harder to get clothes if your bigger.
One of my friends was like you a few years ago. She was in a rut. She was heavy and eating to much chocolate ect. She joined slimming world and could still have some chocolate every day. She met a lady there who became a good friend. She joined a gym as well. She lost around 4 stone.

I think if you were eating better and lose some weight you feel better. I know that your husband earns a good wage but works long hours. You decided to be a sahm before your kids were born. I know woman that love been at home with small kids and other woman who are happier out at work even part time. It's not that they don't love or care for their kids but they are happier in themselves and enjoy using their brains, talents or having time with other adults. They also like having their own money for things.

I think if you moved to a new area and had kid's it hard when they are small especially if your husband works long hours. At the moment your in a bit of a rut and everyone seems to have a great life when you're stuck at home.
I think that you need to lose weight and perhaps join a gym to help with this and to tone up.

You mentioned that you can't get back into your previous type of employment as it London based, you need to work long hours and you lost your contacts there.

Would you consider doing some volunteer work like in a charity shop? One of my friends does this a day a week. She has sorted out clothes, steamed and tagged them. She learnt how to use a till, do end of day ect and deal with customers.
She met and made friends here.
Most of the people she works with would work a few hours a week and they have the flexibility to take time off for family or other commitments.
My friend is planning to use this experience to get into a part time paid retail work.

I think if you lose some weight and did some volunteer work it would help you feel better about yourself. If you want go back into employment even part time it would help in this regard as well.

You said that your husband works long hours and is he leaving you to do all the housework, child minding ect? Is he turning up say to the school Christmas concert or football match for his kids ect?
Do you and him go places as just a couple?
I know it hard for parents at the babies and small kids stage but it's important that your both communicating and putting child free time into your marriage.
I know couples that did this and had more free couple time as the kids got older and they did not resent each other either. There marriages lasted because they were willing to listen, make changes and were flexible when life did not always go according to plan.

Oh, we’re the same age and I also used to be in the media. I gave it up this year to go back to uni to work in healthcare. Maybe consider doing another degree when the kids are at school?

I can see why you’d feel older than everyone else our age. I don’t know anyone with kids yet and people mostly just seem to be getting to the point where careers are taking off etc. You def did it all a lot younger than most of the London Lot.

na OP its not the age gap thats the problem! My husband is 48 and im 34 - we still live in london and we didn't settle down too soon or when i was too young - we travelled and did fun things for years and only just had kids recently.

I think you are very judgmental about nursery - thats a choice you made though to move house and be a SAHM - you didn't have to do that - you could have still lived nearer the city and had a job and used childcare!

You are only 30 as well so its not too late to start again!

My Husband just had a career change at 48.

Firstly I'd say stop looking back with regret. You didn't 'waste' those years, you've said yourself you had a great time living the life you wanted then. Besides whether you'd done that or been young free and single, it would only be a memory now, and memories aren't as important as now and the future.
I think you have two issues. Firstly, you are bored with your life. You are a smart woman with much to contribute to the 'out there' world, yet you're in a bubble of domesticity. You need a plan to get back out there. If not immediately, then as soon as is viable. Meanwhile use the time to work towards re entry of the job market with study, maybe part time or even voluntary work.
Secondly, you're married to a man who is out of step with you age wise. And unfortunately this will not improve as time passes. If the gaps showing now, it's only going to get bigger. So you need to have a big think about whether the pros outweigh the cons.
If you're committed to your marriage, my best advice is build a life you're happy to pursue independently with friends you can do things with when he starts complaining of being too tired or too old or not well enough (which often starts late 50s/60s).

You potentially have 60 years ahead of you. Perhaps you can't get your old career back, but you certainly can accomplish more than being an SAHM in those decades.

You could become a physician or nurse, a teacher, a writer or artist, a television producer, a landscape gardener or really anything. Time and money is on your side.

Having your children go to nursery for some hours a week is good for them and hardly the same as 40 hours a week in "childcare." Why not hit the gym and investigate university courses or other training opportunities? Many people would kill to have the options and resources that you do.

And mid-40s is hardly old, vis a vis your husband. Would you rather have some porn-addled young city worker?

The thing is you feel unfulfilled and I think you need something so it is a discussion to be had with your DH to find a compromise

What skills do you have and can you set up your own business? Doing something freelance?

And when you say you’ve lost passion, do you still laugh together, chat, have dates etc? Sometimes passion can go but love remains and I think if the love is there it’s easy to get the passion back!

Sounds to me like you are looking for permission to have an affair as you are bored.

You got to live the good life for a number years, imagine you somewhat looked down on your friends who didn't have a richer older guy like, and now that life doesnt do it for you anymore, you are having a bit of mid life crisis about it all.