Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

I had asked his friends to leave the house and his father to do a serious talk.
I would expect DSS to move out at 18 yo. No way I would share a home a minute more than needed with him. I would expect DH to support me 100% in this.

He thinks he's speaking the truth. He think you ruined his father's marriage to his mother. If he believes that, he's not going to be alright with you. Have you sat him down and corrected him on these things?

I think this requires a conversation with his dad without you there. He could've just been showing off in front of his mates, but he could also feel that you did split up his mum and dad's marriage and is harbouring feelings about that. What he said was out of order and must have been awful to hear, though I do find it odd that you refer to treating him like a little brother. What does that mean?

He isn’t going to apologise if he believes what he said is true. That’s what needs to be addressed, by your DH (and his ex if necessary).

I’ve never taken on a parental role with him, he has his mum and dad for that. I’ve always seen our relationship as more of a friendship, like a little brother.

I would be having a deep dive into his electronic devices - well getting your DH to do it. He will be watching some misogynistic shit.

Once that is found (and it will be) then he would be on an electronic ban apart from supervised access to do his homework.

I would be contacting all the parents of his friends and explaining that they were laughing along with the language and encouraging it.

I would also be contacting the school, just to keep them in the picture and so they know the comments are going round the year group. It is just helpful for them to know in case anything gets said.

And stop doing anything for him, no cooking, cleaning, washing, lifts. He doesn’t get to treat anyone in such a disrespectful way.

He needs to know now, when he is still learning, that he can not treat people this way. He has got it wrong big time, and he needs to have that crashing down on him. As he is 16, it would be appropriate to have a conversation about where he lives as he can not expect to stay living with someone he is so rude to.

That’s a bit weird (and confusing for him).

What was the time difference between his dad splitting with his mum and starting a relationship with you? He may think that he's been lied to about what happened and you did break his parents up?

Or tried her best.
Dad could and should lead the way here.

That is terrible, he should not be rude but why do adults put themselves first with no thought to children like step children are an accessory an inconvenience to be disposed of when their use is not required any mote

Even if it was true - it does not give him any right to talk to her like that! Focusing on that is the wrong path, he needs to know he can not talk to women like that, that he is being a misogynistic jerk.

He is 16, showing off to his mates what a hard man he is, but this is exactly the time that he needs pulling up on this attitude so it doesn’t become intrenched.

At 16 he’ll have his own opinions on things.

if he thinks you broke up his parents marriage then punishing him is not going to improve your relationship. He will still think that and he’ll also think you are an unpleasant person.

you say what he thinks is factually untrue.

his dad needs to sit down with him and talk through what happened so the situation can be sorted out.

Don’t listen at doors. You never hear anything good about yourself. If he’s nice to your face and you think you get on with him, you probably do. But all the other things may also have a grain of truth in them. He was talking to his pals, the things teenage boys said to one another were not for your ears.
i would just pretend I didn’t hear, and get on with life.

You were eavesdropping and he is allowed to speak to his friends about things that bother him and allowed an opinion surely.

Thats is pretty extreme, saying you were a bit annoying etc would be one thing but that was very very nasty and I would have to wonder where he gets these ideas from

Really?

I imagine that people on here would be critical if she'd rocked up as a 22 year old and started to lay down the law as a second mother, too. And it would have been far more weird if she'd treated him like a friend her own age. I think "little brother" as a shorthand for "an affectionate familial relationship where one party is older and more responsible than the other but without the same authority as a parent" is fine.

Step parents can't win!

Yes but shes clearly not acting like a step parent neither, treating him like a little brother. Youve confused dont need to rock up & lay the law as a second mum but do need to have boundaries whoch clearly hasnt been excuted here.

Of course they can. They don’t ‘play’ any role other than what they are - the new DP of the parent. You don’t become ‘friends’ with your step children, or indeed become a third parent. You are their parent’s partner and that’s it. In this case they also live together, so you treat your DSC with courtesy and respect and expect the same back.

Its a choice to get involved with an older man, married or recently separated, with kids

No he shouldn’t be going around calling women whores and making sexualised comments about them, whether they’re his stepmum or not.

No he is not entitled to refer to anyone as only being good as a man's toy or to call his step mother a whore. In her own home. You're not entitled to spew bile under someone's roof purely because it's your opinion. I'm liberal and accepting and a big believer in freedom of speech but my DD will not be allowed to slander people on a whim using language like this. Let alone a family member who loves them!

If he is 'like a younger brother' to you, why didn't you take him aside alone and tell him that you heard what he said? You could have asked him if he really felt that way about you, told him it upset you and left it at that.

Now he really has something to dislike you for because you grassed him up to his dad and his mum, got him grounded and blew the whole thing up.

He called you a Swedish whore in your hearing and then refused to apologise. That is pretty bloody serious. No way I would be letting that go. Your DH needs to go nuclear on him. At the very least he shouldn't be allowed back until he apologises - your DH will have to see him elsewhere.