Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Fine. I would leave if he stayed.
I wouldn't share home with an adult 18 yo stepson with this Andrew Tate wannabe world.
No way, thank you.

Why on earth would you expect him not to hate you?

Of course he's not going to tell you what he thinks to your face every time he sees you! He's not a complete monster!

How and why did you come to think moving in with someone else's kids is appropriate or that treating the child of your partner as a brother is appropriate?

And the rest.

Agree completely with this. How awful and upsetting, OP. His dad needs to mediate here. I would go very cool with him, communicate only if absolutely necessary and avoid him where possible; he needs to come to you with an apology.

In that case I would be better of than staying.

So you think step-parents should not exist? Why is he right to hate her for simply being his dad’s wife?

But not all opinions are equally valid. His opinions are misogynistic - no woman (even a stepmum) should be described as a toy for a man to play with!

I suggest telling the school for information purposes only, if there is conflict at home it often over spills into poor behaviour at school and it useful for the school to know about it.

OMG this is so over the top!

He's said some stupid things to his mates and they've all been laughing, yes it wasn't nice and yes he should apologise...…but this is a classic over the top mumsnet post. If you think the school are going to be interested in this your off your head

Maybe that’s where you’ve gone wrong. He’s not your little brother. He’s your step child. Your relationship should be one of parental respect which carries some authority. Not one of pretendy siblings.

So what if his misogyny is his opinion? Does that mean his misogyny and false claims cannot be critiqued?

You what? Why on earth would she expect him not to hate her? Jeez I don’t know, maybe because she’s always been nice to him and hasn’t done anything to warrant being hated by him? Does she deserve to be hated just because she’s his stepmum? People are so weird and excuse shit like this, claiming it’s normal and even the OP’s fault, and then scratch their heads at the amount of disgusting misogyny in society.

His language has a lot of similarity to a teenager called Joel in Eastenders. He is a step son who mistreats and eventually beats up his step mother in retaliation to what happened to him in his childhood.
I don't think that your stepson's beliefs are going to be sorted by one chat with his father. That young man has very skewed view of women and those views are likely to become even worse and more extreme as the time goes by. He will likely to refuse therapy but imho that's the correct way forward. His authority doesn't lie at home.

Oh behave, contacting the school?! How ridiculous.

There’s a measure of bravado in relationships between lads.
I had three brothers and overheard conversations between them and their mates when they didn’t know I was nearby. I was the oldest sister. Truely shocked me.

In groups they behave like pack animals, all one upmanship, each being more outrageous than the other. Seeking credibility, belonging, group think. Not wanting to stand out from the crowd.

Shameful behaviour in your own home but cut him some slack. He’s an emotionally unformed young person.
Perhaps his mum would be the best to have a word and put him right given you all get on well together.
Time is a great healer.

'He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.”'

How is it possible, OP that you could possibly have a good relationship with him (as you state you do)?

Not only has he said these things that you overheard but he has also stuck by what he said and refuses to say sorry.

There is either a LOT missing from this or you do not have a good relationship with your stepson at all and he hates you.

Few holes in this tale, I feel. What's the truth? Why would a seemingly nice young man say these things completely out of the blue about someone he claims to like. Either it's not true or he has had a complete temporary personality change.

Why does he live with you and not with his mother?

Some of these responses show why misogyny is such an issue among young men.

it's HIS home too, he has a right to stay, how awful are you! Kids are not an inconvenience (well, they are 😂) but you DO NOT throw them out because they have an opinion or because they don't get on with your new relationship.

His dad is with someone who treats him "like a little brother", bet he doesn't see it that way, the OP is sleeping with the dad, how bizarre to expect a "mate/ siblings" relationship with the kids? That's nuts.

His dad can be very firm on the teen being polite and respectful, and not using the word toy or whore, but he's just as entitled as thinking the OP is just there for the money as his dad is entitled to have a new partner.

Punishment because of the rude and nasty words, can't do anything about his feelings I am afraid.

Why should he live with his mother?

If he lived with his mother would you ask why he lives with her and not his father?

It’s not simply rude and nasty words it’s misogyny. To somehow suggest a similarity to the father being “entitled to remarry” and the son being “entitled” to believe misogynistic tropes about his step-mother is bonkers.

You seem to be bitter at the fact the father has moved on and remarried (a clearly younger woman.)

Up to the OP whether they wish to answer, not you.

Might add some credibility to a tale that makes no sense.

Grassed him up. Are you 12?
He needs a proper bollocking and then finding out where his mysoginistic ideas have come from.

Why does him living with his dad “make no sense”.

This thread is a lesson in how the pigs we read about on MN and other platforms are formed.

16 year old boy calls his stepmother all sorts of disgusting names and it's her fault because:

She's young.
She's Swedish.
She's probably beautiful.
She dared to become a step-parent.
She eavesdropped on a conversation about her.
His parents' marriage broke down for whatever reason.
He's only a child.
He shouldn't be punished.
He should be understood.
Young boys say unkind things and sometimes that strays into misogyny, twisted logic, hateful ideas; but that's understandable.
Blah, blah, blah.

Disgusting ☹️.

There's having an opinion such as "I don't like my step mum, I feel like she ruined my parents marriage" (which op has already stated is untrue, but he can feel that way if he wishes) and then there's being a full on misogynist and throwing around words like whore and toy to refer to a woman.

Totally agree with this.