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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

312 replies

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:27

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

OP posts:
Glowingup · 31/10/2025 10:04

Swiftie1878 · 31/10/2025 09:51

Of course they can. They don’t ‘play’ any role other than what they are - the new DP of the parent. You don’t become ‘friends’ with your step children, or indeed become a third parent. You are their parent’s partner and that’s it. In this case they also live together, so you treat your DSC with courtesy and respect and expect the same back.

Show quote history

What does that mean in practice though? If you live with a young child you do inevitably take on a certain role with them - either parental or possibly fraternal if there’s not a big age gap. You can’t just be “parent’s partner” unless you completely distance yourself from the child, which isn’t good either and isn’t what most stepkids want.

I would be very concerned about a teenage boy calling women whores and referring to them as toys. It shows a horrible level of misogyny and disrespect that needs to be addressed. Otherwise he will morph into one of the many adult male misogynists walking the earth.

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 10:05

Swiftie1878 · 31/10/2025 09:51

Of course they can. They don’t ‘play’ any role other than what they are - the new DP of the parent. You don’t become ‘friends’ with your step children, or indeed become a third parent. You are their parent’s partner and that’s it. In this case they also live together, so you treat your DSC with courtesy and respect and expect the same back.

Show quote history

What does that mean in practice though? If you live with a young child you do inevitably take on a certain role with them - either parental or possibly fraternal if there’s not a big age gap. You can’t just be “parent’s partner” unless you completely distance yourself from the child, which isn’t good either and isn’t what most stepkids want.

I would be very concerned about a teenage boy calling women whores and referring to them as toys. It shows a horrible level of misogyny and disrespect that needs to be addressed. Otherwise he will morph into one of the many adult male misogynists walking the earth.

MyFunSloth · 31/10/2025 10:07

What he said is unacceptable and you have every right to be hurt. But remember he is still fundamentally a child, and children are prone to extreme behaviour.

His parents split up when he was very young. And in the years leading up to that, the tension in their relationship would have been ever-present in his most formative years. And in the years after that, however good you have been to him, it’s fair to say that his dad being married to a “big sister” is not exactly a normal setup.

Young men show off, they say extreme things, they push at boundaries. It’s ugly and it shouldn’t happen, but it does. The kindest thing you can do now is acknowledge your pain but also be the bigger person. He will look back in future years and cringe at what he did - if you take the high road now then the adult him will always remember and respect that.

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

Hoppinggreen · 31/10/2025 10:10

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

Not to that extent in my opinion.
You would think that being called a Whore by a teenager in your life to be ok?

MikeRafone · 31/10/2025 10:11

Where do you think his misogynistic attitude has come from? What are his friends like?

Not sure how you change this type of attitude at 16 years old, very worrying
not sure punishment for opinion will ultimately work

ChikinLikin · 31/10/2025 10:11

MyFunSloth · 31/10/2025 10:07

What he said is unacceptable and you have every right to be hurt. But remember he is still fundamentally a child, and children are prone to extreme behaviour.

His parents split up when he was very young. And in the years leading up to that, the tension in their relationship would have been ever-present in his most formative years. And in the years after that, however good you have been to him, it’s fair to say that his dad being married to a “big sister” is not exactly a normal setup.

Young men show off, they say extreme things, they push at boundaries. It’s ugly and it shouldn’t happen, but it does. The kindest thing you can do now is acknowledge your pain but also be the bigger person. He will look back in future years and cringe at what he did - if you take the high road now then the adult him will always remember and respect that.

This is good advice.
It might also be a good idea to talk it all through with a therapist / counsellor. They might have some good advice.

Sympathy to you. That must have been so hurtful to hear.

HeadNorth · 31/10/2025 10:12

Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything to their good. You shouldn't have listened in and you can't police his opinion of you. He thinks what he thinks and you won't change that by dragging out his punishment.

Dramatic · 31/10/2025 10:12

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

If I heard one of my kids referring to me as a whore I would be absolutely furious. That is in no way normal, what planet are you living on?

Glowingup · 31/10/2025 10:12

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

No they don’t normally call them whores or talk about them in a sexualised way. Maybe they say they’re annoying/controlling/boring or whatever but I would have been shocked as a teen if someone talked about their stepmum like that. The only ones that did were off the rails in other ways and turned out to have personality disorders (including someone I knew who used to goad her mum to kill herself and say stuff like “I know you want to”).

Quamarina · 31/10/2025 10:21

Wishitsnows · 31/10/2025 09:45

You were eavesdropping and he is allowed to speak to his friends about things that bother him and allowed an opinion surely.

In her own home calling her a whore & lying to people that she broke up his parents marriage?

I don’t think mum would have been on board with the punishment if there were truth in this. His parents have together chosen the punishment, not OP

Blueblell · 31/10/2025 10:26

His dad needs to sit him down and put him straight. Part of it will be showing off in front of his friends and partly maybe he believes you broke up his parents marriage and his dad needs to discuss it with him to talk it through. He should apologise to you either way for being so disrespectful.

Dasherthereindeer · 31/10/2025 10:29

He’s looking at the situation over his parents divorce and his dad’s subsequent relationship and marriage with you, understanding more than he did at nine, feeling disgusted by it, and then putting all the blame on you because he doesn’t want to think of his dad that way.
Either there’s a pretty significant age gap between you and your husband or it feels like a significant gap to your step son and he’s grossed out by it now he’s old enough to understand. A big age gap to a 16 year old is 2 years so do bear that in mind. He’s unfairly (and misogynistically) cast you in the role of gold-digging wh* to explain what happened. It’s probably going to need some uncomfortable conversations with his dad (alone), confirmation from his mum that their separation predated and so was unrelated to your relationship with his dad, and some time to realise that yes, his dad chose to get together with a 22 year old when he had a nine year old child and that this is neither universally accepted as ok or universally decried as gross. Hopefully he’ll calm down about it fairly quickly but it’s likely to flair up again when he hits 22.

JHound · 31/10/2025 10:30

Could it be coming from the ex-wife?

My step-sisters were similar with my mom when young because their mom was filling their heads with nonsense and lies.

It has to have come from somewhere. Or maybe he finds it embarrassing that he has a step-mom closer to his age than his parents.

ChocolateCroissantCafe · 31/10/2025 10:31

I can't see that it's eavesdropping, it sounds like they were having a loud enough conversation in her earshot. Hard not to tune into that once you realise the contents, surely?

sunshinestar1986 · 31/10/2025 10:32

CremeEggThief · 31/10/2025 10:08

YABU and you seriously need to toughen up.

ALL teenagers/young adults slag off the adults in their lives to their mates. It's just what they do.🙄

No, they do not all call their step mum's 'whore'
This is serious,and this is why boys grow up to be shirty men

Epidote · 31/10/2025 10:32

You are being unreasonable to think the punishment was too much. He may have done it for fun like a cocky twat, or he may think that. Whichever, he deserved to be grounded because his lack of respect is clear.

MustbeLoveontheBrain · 31/10/2025 10:33

HeadNorth · 31/10/2025 10:12

Eavesdroppers seldom hear anything to their good. You shouldn't have listened in and you can't police his opinion of you. He thinks what he thinks and you won't change that by dragging out his punishment.

She was in the hall of her own house, she wasn't eavesdropping. She did nothing wrong. DSS was in the living room you can't expect a conversation in a shared area of a house to be private if you are talking loud enough to be heard from outside the room. What do you want her to do? Stay in her bedroom when he has friends round in case she hears something??

She is not disciplining him, the parents are doing that. They are taking what he said seriously because it was a really unpleasant misogynistic thing to say. I wouldn't like to live with someone who felt that way about me. It feels like you are blaming her and saying that what he said was ok

JHound · 31/10/2025 10:33

Wishitsnows · 31/10/2025 09:45

You were eavesdropping and he is allowed to speak to his friends about things that bother him and allowed an opinion surely.

And his parents can pull him up on his misogyny, xenophobia and spreading lies about his step-mother.

TheLivelyRose · 31/10/2025 10:34

If his mother is so great, why doesn't she have him. Exactly why doesn't he live mainly at his mother's in that case.

Sadly, I don't think this kind of thing is out of the ordinary.

My sister once forgot her phone and left it in my house. It had annoying alarms and notification going off.So I went to switch it off. Her phone isn't locked and there were notifications on the front screen.And there was an incoming text from a friend of hers saying she doesn't know how she tolerates her fucking bitch of a sister I.e. me.

We had until that point been actually having quite a nice day.

I probed a further.I shouldn't have done but I did. That was the tip of the iceberg to what I found out was being said behind my back and behind our parents as well. But she happy to come to me every christmas and have me pay for it and lay it on.Pay for days out for her and her children etc. It stopped immediately after that.

I think it's more common than you think. I m not saying it's acceptable, but he's probably saying things like that for several years. Even your own children, if you went through their phones, you could probably find some awful things they've said about you.

I'll ask him to go and spend some time with his mother, though.If she's so wonderful.

sunshinestar1986 · 31/10/2025 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Was she able to be his mum?
Do 25 year olds (the age they met) commonly have older kids?
Why should she parent a child that has both parents?

Katiesaidthat · 31/10/2025 10:35

Dasherthereindeer · 31/10/2025 10:29

He’s looking at the situation over his parents divorce and his dad’s subsequent relationship and marriage with you, understanding more than he did at nine, feeling disgusted by it, and then putting all the blame on you because he doesn’t want to think of his dad that way.
Either there’s a pretty significant age gap between you and your husband or it feels like a significant gap to your step son and he’s grossed out by it now he’s old enough to understand. A big age gap to a 16 year old is 2 years so do bear that in mind. He’s unfairly (and misogynistically) cast you in the role of gold-digging wh* to explain what happened. It’s probably going to need some uncomfortable conversations with his dad (alone), confirmation from his mum that their separation predated and so was unrelated to your relationship with his dad, and some time to realise that yes, his dad chose to get together with a 22 year old when he had a nine year old child and that this is neither universally accepted as ok or universally decried as gross. Hopefully he’ll calm down about it fairly quickly but it’s likely to flair up again when he hits 22.

Wow, there´s two years between my husband and I, my daughter must be vomiting in disgust...come off it mate.

Hundslappadrifa · 31/10/2025 10:35

The thing is, it’s quite possible that his dad was only 29 when he got together with the 22 year old partner. She hasn’t said what the age gap is.

CharlieKirkRIP · 31/10/2025 10:36

PixieandMe · 31/10/2025 10:02

If he is 'like a younger brother' to you, why didn't you take him aside alone and tell him that you heard what he said? You could have asked him if he really felt that way about you, told him it upset you and left it at that.

Now he really has something to dislike you for because you grassed him up to his dad and his mum, got him grounded and blew the whole thing up.

That’s how I would have handled it. You should have given him the chance to discuss it with you personally before you told his father.

Weirdest · 31/10/2025 10:39

cococream · 31/10/2025 09:35

I’ve never taken on a parental role with him, he has his mum and dad for that. I’ve always seen our relationship as more of a friendship, like a little brother.

Show quote history

Sure, but he doesn’t see your relationship in that way. I would back off completely. He’s not your little bro, and to be honest the way he sees you is creepy. There’s definitely a sexual element there and he’s very much irritated by your presence. I wouldn’t want to be around him.