Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Because his dad can provide a higher quality of life than his mum.

You misunderstand. There are such obvious holes in this story.

Fine. I would walk out if I was expected to share a home with a adult 18 yo wo
ith this approach to me/women. Tbh wouldn't be my loss.

Are you 12?

OP could have had a quiet word. That would have been there mature approach.

I agree, I think it was an awful thing for him to say and speaks volumes for his lack of respect for girls/women. I am a bloke in his mid sixties, who has been married for 35 years. I started work at 16 and wouldn't have dreamed saying something like that. Young men have to be pulled up for misogyny, his dad should be doing that.

So you were 22 when you met your dss. How old was his dad?

Perhaps he harbours lots of embarrassment? Perhaps he was teased? Perhaps he does blame you for his parents marriage not working?

Consequences have been in place.

He needs a chat with his dad or perhaps a therapist with his dad as obviously there is some deep resentment.

I do wonder how much his mates tease him about his very young step mum

So you think she shouldn't have shared with her husband that his son said what he did? That's a very weird take.

So you were 22 when you met your dss. How old was his dad?

Perhaps he harbours lots of embarrassment? Perhaps he was teased? Perhaps he does blame you for his parents marriage not working?

Consequences have been in place.

He needs a chat with his dad or perhaps a therapist with his dad as obviously there is some deep resentment.

I do wonder how much his mates tease him about his very young step mum

Can he? Right now he has raised a son I wouldn't be proud of.
Mum might do a better job. Can't do much worse.

Why does he think you broke his parents up? That’s what I’d be asking, and if it’s not true, asking his parents to lay out the timeline of their breakup and your relationship with his dad.

I would also be horrified at the misogynistic language, even if he believes you wrecked his parents’ relationship there’s no excuse for that.

What holes can the OP fill that would make you less embarrassed that you've raised a child that speaks about women in this way?

A bit gross?! No shit.

Poor kid.
He's a boy whose childhood for the last several years has included the installation of a much younger woman into his father's house.
It's grim and he's allowed to feel the way he does- much of his behaviour may well be bravado to mask hurt and embarrassment. How should he respond- with measured maturity? He's a child.
It's not OP's fault either- she was early 20s when this lad's letchy father came on to her.
OP, you've been taken advantage of and your stepson has a shitty father.
The person responsible for this situation is Dad (and only Dad), though other posters are keen to tie this lad to the stake.
Of course he needs to see that his dad, not step mother, is the arsehole here but what kid wants the hurt of thinking that? He'd rather make you the bad guy than his own father. And he lacks the life experience to see that you've been taken advantage of- as do you.
And remember, relative to him, you are more the adult- albeit that you're too young to be a part of this situation.
It is not the time to call him out for the use of the word "whore" etc, however disagreeable the language and sentiments; this language is symptomatic of a hurt boy who has been let down by the adults in his life.
He's actually behaved very well if he's generally courteous to you- I hope somebody steps up and looks out for him soon, and for you, too, OP; do you really think this is a great way to live your life?

How old is your DSS @cococream ?

I agree it’s odd to cast yourself as a big sibling which does imply a parent child relationship between you and your husband. Why not cast yourself as a benign quasi-aunt?

Sounds like he was trying to be the big man in front of his friends. Sadly I would expect that he also speaks like that about his female teachers etc too.

I think your dh needs to crackdown on this sharp and you need to stop treating him as a little brother.

who's bitter? 😂 I don't know the OP, I might be younger than her for all you know 😂

On the kids point of view, the new partner has wrecked the marriage with his mum. So?

If you decide to go into a relationship with someone who has kids, you accept you can't throw them out when they become an inconvenience.

I do find it weird that the OP had to add that she's only 13 years older in her OP. How is that relevant? She's the step-mum, it really doesn't matter if she is 29 or 39 on that note, still a step-mum. It's odd she thinks it's an important detail.

The same way a mum with a 10 year old is "just" a mum with a 10 year old whether she's 30 or 45.

Then sleep with his Dad. You were 22 when you got to know him. You can see his issue here, though the description of you is completely out of order but he obviously doesn't share the cool relationship you think you have with him.

Why can't his Dad provide this higher quality of life while he lives 50 50 with his Mum

How long had his parents been separated when you met his Dad?

Maybe his dad should have paid more child support?

Using vicious and misogynistic terms? No. Thats not acceptable and needs to be stopped.

the "hole" is that it's not a normal reaction, even when there's bravado with friends. It's a bit extreme and unlikely they all play happy family at other times.

No point us making up scenario when we know nothing.
Who knows what the friends say about the OP, and if the teen is angry or very uncomfortable so lashed out like that? Again, don't know but it can't be a happy situation.

Oh poor kid, his step mum is 5 years younger than she "should" be therefore he is well within his rights to turn full misogynist and call her a whore 🙄

By her own account, the OP stopped and listened when she heard her name. And the result was predictable.

If you’ve generally got along well, OP, I’d chalk it up to ‘teenage boy sounding off to his friends’ and ignore. Pick your battles. It’s an approach that has worked well in general for my friends who are step parents to teenagers they didn’t help raise.

Why should her hate her? I never hated either of my stepparents. I have a good relationship with them even now ( and mum divorced my stepdad years ago) despite both of my parents being dead.

I was 10 when mum remarried and 12 when Dad did

Ohband my mum did leave my Dad for my stepdad

Precisely. And she didn’t even eavesdrop - they were talking loud enough for her to hear in her own house. She didn’t instal a camera in his bedroom.

And yes it’s so obvious why there are so many awful men out there, why so many women suffer rape, sexual assault and domestic abuse.

SO many times I read on the step parenting forums that you should not try to be a parent, you should be a friendly older adult, like an aunt or older sister. Exactly what the OP has done but it’s not good enough apparently.

And so much excusing horrible depraved behaviour just because this boy’s parents got divorced and apparently he’s a victim. I can’t believe people think it’s okay for children to treat adults in their lives like shit just because they are in a relationship with their parents. NO. The OP is friendly with the ex wife, the ex has taken her side in this dispute and is invited to family events. Clearly it’s complete bollocks that the OP was the cause of the marriage breakdown.

This is an insecure little shit of a boy who feels big by engaging in misogyny and blaming everything on women. Unless a serious intervention takes place, in a few years he will be talking about his girlfriends like this, calling them whores and playthings.

He's angry and full of resentment that he has a creep for a df who has a dw not much older than he is. Easier to project and blame the woman than admit his dad is a sleazeball.

A swift bollocking would've sufficed, grounding and involving the ex seems rather ott.