Overheard my stepson bad-mouthing me to his friends

[cococream]

Yesterday, my stepson and three of his friends were hanging out at our house. They were in the living room, and I was in the hallway on my way to grab something when I overheard one of them say my name. I stopped in my tracks because it was obvious they were talking about me. My stepson specifically wasn’t saying nice things at all. I heard him call me a “Swedish wh*re,” say I’m “only good at being Dad’s toy,” and rant about how I’m with his dad only for the money, that I wrecked my husband’s first marriage, and things of that sort. His friends were laughing and continuing with jokes. Honestly, it shocked me because he’s always been super nice to me and on his best behaviour. He’s 16 and I’ve known him since he was nine. There are only 13 years between us, and I’ve always treated him like a little brother, so I believed we had a good, cool relationship. I didn’t say anything to him or his friends at the time. I waited until my husband was home so we could have a talk together, the three of us. He refused to apologise, saying he won’t apologise for “saying the truth.” My husband and his ex-wife (who he also called) decided to ground him by not allowing his friends over until he apologises. He lives with us full-time but often visits his mum, and she visits frequently too. I’m good friends with my husband’s ex-wife, she’s even invited to all family events. All of my stepson’s “facts” are factually untrue, which is what truly puzzles me. I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

Possibly the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree. Its a bit gross to move in someone only 13 years older in a step mum role. Particularly if she's the hot young stepmum - he might be getting some ribbing from his friends which he has responded to very poorly.

Why should DSS be forced out of his home at 18, when he could be still at school? This might have been him speaking 'his truth' but there's no indication that he's been generally horrible to OP, who was eavesdropping.

I agree that using words like whore and saying you're his Dad's toy, suggests that he may have gone down the whole red pill, Andrew Tate rabbit hole and I think thay needs some serious intervention.

You also need your husband to set his son straight regarding how you got together if you weren't involved in his parents marriage breakdown. (However if you were in any way responsible then you need to maybe have some family counselling so he can come to terms with it, instead of growing this sort of misogynist resentment and blaming you for his Dads infidelity)

You also need to stop with the blurring of boundaries with little brother, big sister stuff (it makes his Dad sound a bit predatory, like you also have a parent and child relationship) and has obviously not sat well with you step son and he's found it easier to take it out on you than his Dad.

Sorry you have been treated like this in your home though OP. I think your DH needs to do some major stepping up and male rolemodelling to resolve this.

If I read that right he is 16 and you are 29? Is he embarrassed that you are young? Compared to his dad? Hence the awful comments. I would step back and let his parents deal with it for now. But once it calms down I think his dad needs to work out how his son is feeling? Definitely not ok.

If I was the dad I’d want to know if my son had been using disgusting misogynistic language to refer to his stepmum. The whole thing is quite disturbing. While I can understand that boys might show off to their mates, his refusal to apologise and insistence that he’s done nothing wrong is worrying. As is the fact that he clearly has these hateful thoughts but is able to totally mask them. He sounds quite calculating and disturbed.

So you think a teenage boy calling his stepmother a whore and saying she's his dad's toy is something that isn't being horrible to her?

There's no indication.He's been horrible to her? Are you for real? She heard it with her own ears.

He was clever enough not to be horrible to her face, he just said it behind her back instead.

There should be no consequences and he shouldn't have to move out of his home?

This boy is two years off becoming a fully grown adult. You think it's okay for him to carry on speaking about women like that?

I pity the poor women.He ends up dating unless he's gay, of course.

Stepmothers really can do no right, can they? If she'd said she was acting as a mum, she would also be vilified. What role do you think she should take? Can't see anything wrong with being a big sister type - there to guide, someone to talk to about things you don't want to talk to your parents about etc. 'Fucked up' indeed - how extremely rude!

What he said was unacceptable and he deserved to be pulled up on it.

Were you involved in the ending of your husband’s marriage to his first wife?

It’s not appropriate to have a little brother relationship with a step child.

If his mother is so
If his mother is so great, why doesn't she have him. Exactly why doesn't he live mainly at his mother's in that case.

This is an awful to say and also makes the father a secondary parent. When a separation happens children typically have to live with one parent mainly. Most of the time it’s the mother but when they don’t it does not mean she’s somehow deficient. He’s a boy and may prefer to live with his father.

This is an awful to say and also makes the father a secondary parent. When a separation happens children typically have to live with one parent mainly. Most of the time it’s the mother but when they don’t it does not mean she’s somehow deficient. He’s a boy and may prefer to live with his father.

You've put your own spin on that.And that is not what I meant.

He has said his stepmother is just his father's toy. He's slagging off his step mother and clearly feels utter contempt for her.

But his mother won't have him for whatever reason.

If he is unhappy with his home life, he can live somewhere else.He has a choice. Unless his mother doesn't want him.

He's not a baby, he's nearly an adult. There are limits to the type of allowances and excuses that can be made for a child of that age.

At that age don't like your home life... Leave.

Some people have such low standards for their children, especially sons, and wknder why they're so susceptible to misogyny and incel behaviour.

@cococream , this is a difficult one as you wouldn't put up with being called a whole by anyone else. And especially not in your own home.
Hopefully his parents are of some use in cracking down on this behaviour, ensuring he knows it won't be tolerated.

I don’t think the punishment is unreasonable.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. Does he need some form of consequences for what he said, absolutely. But you need to be more focused on where he is learning this misogyny, and abhorrent behaviour towards women. Sounds like he is being taken in by the red pill, Andrew Tate incels and swift action needs to be taken, especially by the men in his life, to educate him properly. What are the men in his life like? Does his dad speak this way?

Yet another teenage boy radicalised by the misogynist extremism and xenophobia found on socials (well, TikTok). His phone needs to be checked, and warn the school. Hopefully the school will take it seriously and do some whole year/school work on it.

I'm glad your partner and his mother are believing you and taking it seriously.

No way would I support your throwing my 18yr old just because he’s not yours biologically. Hopefully if this scenario was real you’d be the one leaving.

It's not "just because he's not biologically hers" it's because of his vile language and attitude towards her. I'm not saying I would throw him out but it's obviously not just because he's not the step mums child.

Gross comments, but im wondering if for some reason he has misunderstood or been misled (either by friends suggesting or family) on the timeline of his parents breakup and you arriving, and id want to clear that up first.
No excuse for misogyny, but now he's more aware of girls and possibly 22 year old girls, you might need to expect a little bit of 'ew, dad, what the fuck' on his end if his dad was 30+ when you met, as he will see his dad as 'old' and 22 year old women as cool, fanciable women, and he might be having some feelings about the age difference in hindsight. Again, no excuse to be vile, but something to bear in mind.

It's his opinion though. As for telling his school 🙄

Of course I’m not saying a 2 year age gap is gross. I’m saying 16 years olds consider a person their age going out with a either a 14 year old or an 18 year old to be a huge and potentially disturbing gap. And although they might be able to see that a 2 year gap for adults is no big deal, they might think a 5-10 year gap is enormous. So even if OP hadn’t considered that the age gap between her and her husband is the cause of her SS’s issue, because it’s really not that large (say 5 years if the SS was born when his dad was 18), it still might be what’s prompted his perception here.

“A Swedish wh*re”?! I’d be packing him off to his mothers house until he apologised and learns some respect.

It’s his opinion that the OP is a whore?

is he really allowed to air a disgusting belittling misogynistic opinion about the op in her house? No, not if you want him to turn into a decent man. This needs a lot more work. A lot, with the bulk of it coming from his dad. I’d send them both away next weekend and they could talk about it, the dad can phrase it as I think it’s only fair to op to give her a break from having aomeone with that view about her living in the house.
I also like the idea of telling the friends parents. This stuff only gets addressed when it’s known.

I don't think the dilemma is about the punishment. Calling someone a whore, gold-digger, home-wrecker and sex-toy is very extreme language. He clearly has a lot of anger and contempt towards OP and has kept it concealed, which is worrying. I would be nervous in this situation. Are there other children in either household?

The boy's original family is already ruined, irrespective of whose fault it was and if the young Swedish lady (if that is factually right) was/was not the cause of his parents separating.

Now you are proposing to embarrass him at school and with his friends' parents by contacting them all? Are you serious? This is a recipe for disaster.

The best thing for him would be to live with his mum, only occasionally vising his dad, if living with his mum is at all possible. Even if it involves changing schools, etc. If he feels that bad about his 'new older sister', then his mental health should be put first and he should not be spending his teenage years around her - even if she is blameless, if that is the way he feels about her, you can't change his mind.

She could actually be 3 or 4 years younger than his dad though

You have accused me of “putting my own spin on it” but then have decided “the mother won’t have him”.

What is your evidence for that?

I am not saying his behaviour is acceptable - his misogyny needs to be addressed.

But him not living with his mother tells us nothing except he is not living with his mother.