Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
GarlicBreadStan · 30/10/2025 09:21

Explain the concept of money to her.

Tell her that her money has gone missing before after people have visited, and that it really needs to be kept in a safe space.

If you move the money and she has a tantrum, let her. Be there for her, explain the boundaries you've put into place, and tell her it's okay to be upset, but let her tantrum. She'll be upset if the money goes missing anyway.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 30/10/2025 09:22

Let her tantrum at age 9 there is no way she should have £120.00 under her pillow for weeks. That needs going into her savings account and show her it is in there when you do it.

AphroditesSeashell · 30/10/2025 09:22

She's 9. You take the money off her and you put it somewhere safe. If she tantrums, you tell her that she's clearly far too immature to have such a large amount of money and you'll only return it to her when she has calmed down.

Be a parent and set some boundaries fgs

Istanbol · 30/10/2025 09:23

Don’t ask her, tell her you’re moving the money.
She is not the parent here, you are.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/10/2025 09:23

You are the parent.
Act like one

HermioneWeasley · 30/10/2025 09:23

You know you’re in charge, right?

you can ask MIL to give any cash gifts via you so you can keep the money safe. You can insist she hands it over. If you won’t do that, you can remove it when she’s asleep.

you can refuse to buy a new costume because you can’t afford it and that’s what her grandmother gave her money for.

You need to change this dynamic and be the adult in charge or her teenage years are going to be a nightmare

LadyMinerva · 30/10/2025 09:23

You are allowing a 9 year old to be in charge but you are meant to be the parent.

You know what is going to happen because its happened before. Take the money and put it somewhere safe and let her have her tantrum. She'll get over when she's still got money to spend. And if you dont have money for a costume and she wont buy it then she doesnt get one. Its not a priority

Coffeeishot · 30/10/2025 09:23

Honestly take it off her get her a bank account or even a piggy bank. To put the money in or you could ask your mil not to give her money if you don't want to take it from her

Moonnstars · 30/10/2025 09:24

She's 9, she doesn't get to scream and throw a tantrum to get her own way. She is old enough to understand that the money is not safe being kept under a pillow and needs to be looked after elsewhere or put into the bank.

When you say you have gone shopping in the week and she has wanted to use your money, are you letting her or are you saying no? As if you are buying her things (presumably nice things rather than essentials) it's no wonder she has a poor concept of money and it's value.

Bluebottlerecycling · 30/10/2025 09:25

Making sensible parenting decisions should not be dictated by whether a 9 year old has a tantrum or not.

If you set strict boundaries and stick to them you will find, over time, that tantrums are magically reduced.

Tagyoureit · 30/10/2025 09:25

Er... shes 9! Try being the parent here and if she throws tantrums then she doesnt get to go trick or treating.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2025 09:25

Stop being scared of tantrums. Stop letting her make decisions she’s not capable of. Stop spending money you don’t have on stuff she doesn’t need! You’re not doing her any favours.

CurlewKate · 30/10/2025 09:25

Get her a cash card she can keep under her pillow.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/10/2025 09:25

Move the money and let her tantrum.

When she's calmer find a safe time to talk about how to manage this going forward.

Natty13 · 30/10/2025 09:27

Jesus christ are you the parent or is she? She's 9!

Coffeeishot · 30/10/2025 09:27

Does she take it to school with her. How is she managing to spend it without you are you allowing her to go to shops to bit sweets ?

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 09:27

Your the parent, take the money & put it away safely. If she has a tantrum like a toddler so be it. You are the parent; not her.
I would also tell her you have no more money to give her; so if she wants something she needs to take her own money and if she refuses to spend any of it, then she doesnt get a costume.

Coconutter24 · 30/10/2025 09:28

CurlewKate · 30/10/2025 09:25

Get her a cash card she can keep under her pillow.

And what if someone takes the card? A purchase can be made before realising it’s even gone.

OP your the parent and your child is 9, you tell her your moving it for safe keeping and she can have it back when she needs it. Ask her if she’s also not learnt anything from the last time it went missing

24Dogcuddler · 30/10/2025 09:28

For your sake ( and hers) please set some rules and boundaries or the teenage years will be unbearable.
Agree with PP ask MIL to give any larger amounts to you so that you can support her with managing it.

Cherrysoup · 30/10/2025 09:29

Ask mil to do a bank transfer or set up a savings account in her name. Is she aware of your dd’s tantrums reactions to being told to move it? She simply doesn’t get cash in future, except maybe a fiver. It’s ridiculous to allow her to carry on like this (dd, not mil).

GlosGirl82 · 30/10/2025 09:30

Put it in the bank - print off her savings statement and she can put her saving statement folded under her pillow - that way she does ‘have her money under her pillow’

Topseyt123 · 30/10/2025 09:31

No, you don't have to fork out money you don't have on a silly Halloween costume. Tell her that if she wants one she spends her own money on it or she doesn't get it. Then stick to your guns and absolutely ignore any tantrums.

Tell her too that she can keep the money in the house, but it has to be in something safe like a money box or a tin, NOT under her pillow. Given her past record for losing it, say that you you will be keeping said container safe downstairs. If she won't have that then take it off her and go and put it in the bank (her savings account).

Follow through and TOTALLY ignore any stupid tantrums. Literally just leave her to get on with them until they fizzle out, however long that takes. If it means no Halloween costume then so be it. You are the parent here. What you say goes and she needs to start learning that.

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 09:31

Coconutter24 · 30/10/2025 09:28

And what if someone takes the card? A purchase can be made before realising it’s even gone.

OP your the parent and your child is 9, you tell her your moving it for safe keeping and she can have it back when she needs it. Ask her if she’s also not learnt anything from the last time it went missing

Show quote history

You can stop the point & pay on these cards and just make it require a pin.

Moonnstars · 30/10/2025 09:31

Just seen your edit about going out to buy a Halloween costume today. Why are you enabling this? If she wants a costume why are you spending your money (which you don't have) and letting her refuse to spend her own. Simply don't go to the shops today if she tantrums. Give her the choice beforehand - we can go and get a costume but that needs to come from your spending money, or we don't go to the shops and you won't be able to get a costume.

I agree with the poster who has suggested any money gets given directly to you. If she is too young/immature to handle the cash herself, then you need to keep it and then use it to facilitate her spending.

PashaMinaMio · 30/10/2025 09:32

Who is the parent here?
If she wants anything Halloween, she must buy it with her own money.
Stop being pathetic and parent her. Shes a child.
If you don’t, the coming years will be hellish.
Set some boundaries.