MIL, DD and Money

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MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

I have a 9yo and would not tolerate this bratty behaviour. I thought you meant a 4/5yo.
my 9yo wouldn’t do this. Don’t ask her. Just tell her that you’re keeping it safe and give her a consequence if she behaves badly

You don’t need creative ways. You need to parent. If she’s behaving like such a brat, you should be asking for consequences not wishy washy ways to dance around her. If she’s screaming then discipline her. She’s 9!

All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow.

So don't let her spend your money, point out that if she wants something, she has to pay for it, thats not difficult

Oh, thats really nice, why don't you use your xx money?
I dont want to
Oh well, guess you dont really want it then

FGS discipline her!! She is pulling tantrums because she knows it works with you! My 10yr old has a Rooster card (has smiley faces on it!) and loves using it! It makes her feel grown up.

If you want to try one of your daughter and get £10 free, here is my referral link (NatWest customers get the card completely free!) https://roostermoney.com/referrals/5HX2V-J

What about an online purchase?

Great idea.

There’s no other advice people could give apart from be the adult. You sound very immature and need to get ready for her behaviour to escalate if she doesn’t realise you’re the parent.

Good grief parent your child.

OP, could I make a suggestion? This is what I have done with my DD ever since she was little and it’s the norm now, she accepts this. Every birthday and Christmas, any money she receives, half goes in her bank account and the other half goes into her purse for her to buy whatever she wants (within reason - I wouldn’t let her waste £100 on sweets, for example.)

My DD’s last birthday she got £200 so I put £100 in her bank and she got £100 to spend in a shopping spree, which she loved (it was mainly spent across Sephora, MiniSo, River Island and Claire’s.)

Is this something you could introduce going forwards?

You are the parent ffs!! Set clear boundaries NOW as she clearly has none and take the money off her and put it in a savings account. Explain it using chocolate buttons or sweets (that once they’re gone, they’re gone, but if she lets the chocolate buttons build up - not under her pillow! - then over time the number of chocolate buttons increases).

Is she still screaming?

Good grief how creative do you want to be? You step up and be the adult is the only answer. What would you do if she didn’t want to go to school and threw a tantrum? She’s ruling the roost and you need to parent her

Well I think if she won't spend any of the money then you don't buy her stuff and tell her you do not have the money. This seems like an over reaction with a 9 year old though to want to keep money under her pillow. Don't buy the costume. She needs to know that money is not to be hoarded as she is doing but to be either saved in a bank or spent. In future tell MIL that she is to give money to you. I would never give anymore than £10 cash to my DGDS as I know how careless they can be. I just transfer the money to my DD who puts it in their childrens saving account. Show your DD the bank book and explain how it works and how to keep money safe.

I would also be concerned about the disappearing money. Sibling or friend taking it? This will have added to her insecurity about looking after it. Explain it has to be kept away from potentially being pinched/stolen. Then work on where to keep it. I’d be very unhappy about pilfering n my home. Do you put your own allergy away safely.

There isn’t really a creative solution, she is a child and you are a grown up. Teach her to put her money away and save it.

OK that is an over simplistic answer and an insult to many parents who have school refusers usually because of anxiety reasons and not just throwing a tantrum. In this case I do wonder if the OP is continually short of money your DD is using hoarding cash as a way of getting some security as many adults do.

That is exactly what we did with our DDS and as adults now they are good with managing money. Showing your DD how bank accounts work is key to this so encourage saving a percentage of all money and show her how to get money out as obviously an amount in an account is less tangible than actual cash.

Can I ask if money is very tight for you is she picking up on this and hoarding for anxiety reasons to give her some security?

I agree with this.

Her behaviour reflects anxiety around money so I wonder if she is aware of any money problems in the family. A piggy bank is better than under the pillow but if she has siblings maybe she feels safer with it under her pillow and does not understand how bank accounts work.

You don't need creative ways. You just explain and then ignore the screaming.

It's completely wrong to expect her to use her birthday/christmas present to buy a costume or essentials. You're her parent that's your responsibility!

Of course the money should be moved to her savings account. Does she not want it in the saving account because you end up using her present to buy things you should be providing?

I knew there was more to it. This isn't usual behavior.

Take it from her. Let her scream. Not everything you do as a parent will be pleasing to your child. Sometimes they'll scream and kick off, but the screaming and kicking off lessens when they realise it won't change things and you won't be moved.

I'm taking my DS and his friend (both 8) trick-or-treating tomorrow. When we get back, they will both be allowed to choose 3 items from their baskets to eat and the rest will be put up high and for the friend given to his parents when he is collected. Yes, I have no doubt they'll moan, but I won't be responsible for them both eating their bodyweight in sugar in an hour while they're in my care.

You don't need to avoid situations which might upset your child. Instead, it's about finding ways to navigate these better with her.

Has she got a bank card like Henry or the new Monzo one? Can she see on an app where her money is?

where else does she demonstrate this behaviour or anxiety over belongings?

Id be factual that not even adults save large amounts of money at home as it’s not safe or practical.

I didn’t mean to insult anyone. Was just using the school analogy in the context of OPs daughter throwing a tantrum when didn’t want to do something. I know all about school avoidance and anxiety and not trivialising it

“sometimes behaviour like this indicates a worry around financial security”

I imagine if she was worried about financial security she wouldn’t be keeping money under her pillow where she knows it regularly goes missing, and would take up the recommendation to keep it safe/grow it in a savings account.