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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
No5ChalksRoad · 30/10/2025 16:38

AllosaurusMum · 30/10/2025 15:26

It's completely wrong to expect her to use her birthday/christmas present to buy a costume or essentials. You're her parent that's your responsibility!

Of course the money should be moved to her savings account. Does she not want it in the saving account because you end up using her present to buy things you should be providing?

I disagree. Why shouldn't a child buy its own costume? They're easy to make for free from stuff that's already around the house; if she wants a more elaborate or purchased item, she should pay for it.

Birthday money isn't just for tat like lip gloss and toys.

Zempy · 30/10/2025 16:41

You sound like a total wet wipe.

A tantrumming nine year old?

Butterflywings84 · 30/10/2025 16:46

Have you looked at a kids account and app like the NatWest rooster. Ask MIL to send the money to you but DD then gets to see the balance in the app. You can order a card as well so she can spend her own money when out.

nothing creative about setting some boundaries when out though. Manage expectations before you go - say what you are prepared to pay for or not and make clear she will need to spend her own money on anything else.

hettie · 30/10/2025 16:47

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Ok. Well I suspect most people are thinking that there is not a creative answer that doesn't involve some version of taking it off her?
You could get a 'special' lockable that you hold the key for box to put it in? But it still moves from under the pillow.
More compassionately I'm wondering why you're struggling with some of the more assertive feedback and what your worried about with regards tantrums? Getting angry and big emotions is normal for kids. Our role as parents is to help them learn to manage emotions not prevent them from having them. A clear boundary and some support is actually a loving gift for a kid. We take control of some things because we know since stuff and then gradually through adolescence loosen the control, tolerate the inevitable mistakes and continue teaching them how to manage emotions and communicate thoughts and feelings....

Moonnstars · 30/10/2025 16:48

AllosaurusMum · 30/10/2025 15:26

It's completely wrong to expect her to use her birthday/christmas present to buy a costume or essentials. You're her parent that's your responsibility!

Of course the money should be moved to her savings account. Does she not want it in the saving account because you end up using her present to buy things you should be providing?

Why shouldn't the child buy her own costume? It sounds like the mum is struggling financially and has bought the child other items this week already when they have refused to use their own.
A Halloween costume is not an essential in my view and if the mum can't afford it then the daughter needs to understand this and use her own money if it's that important to her to have one.

SandyDunesCoffeeShack · 30/10/2025 16:51

Our child wanted the wallet with the pocket money to be only where she knows where it is and I made sure to explain IT DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY WITH MONEY HERE

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2025 16:54

AllosaurusMum · 30/10/2025 15:26

It's completely wrong to expect her to use her birthday/christmas present to buy a costume or essentials. You're her parent that's your responsibility!

Of course the money should be moved to her savings account. Does she not want it in the saving account because you end up using her present to buy things you should be providing?

Essentials, yes. But the kid has three options - go without, make do with something Mom can cobble together at home with her or buy her own. Mom cannot afford it.

Tangerinenets · 30/10/2025 16:58

Eh? She’s a child. Take the money and put it on the bank for gods sake 🙄

Balloonhearts · 30/10/2025 17:22

She's 9. She doesn't get a say in whether she uses your money or hers. You just say no. You can't afford a costume so if she wants one she can buy it. She starts screaming, you walk away and she gets consequences for it later. You want to move it, just move it. Let her chuck a tantrum, you're the parent, it's your decision.

andthat · 30/10/2025 21:36

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 30/10/2025 16:36

“sometimes behaviour like this indicates a worry around financial security”

I imagine if she was worried about financial security she wouldn’t be keeping money under her pillow where she knows it regularly goes missing, and would take up the recommendation to keep it safe/grow it in a savings account.

Show quote history

She’s 9. 9 year olds don’t have adults logic. 🙄

envbeckyc · 31/10/2025 19:28

Personally I would tell her to put £60 into her savings and to decide what she wants to spend the other £60 on….

whilst putting all of it in the bank seems sensible, kids and maybe the MIL would like to see something from the money!

Also perhaps suggest hiding the money somewhere safer ( Sock Drawer in a Box) if she insists on keeping it in her room!

Chinsupmeloves · 31/10/2025 20:37

You're her Mum, you've explained it, so just face the tantrum. As others have said, you're the boss! Xx

Chinsupmeloves · 31/10/2025 20:41

No5ChalksRoad · 30/10/2025 16:38

I disagree. Why shouldn't a child buy its own costume? They're easy to make for free from stuff that's already around the house; if she wants a more elaborate or purchased item, she should pay for it.

Birthday money isn't just for tat like lip gloss and toys.

Show quote history

Agree, like money they're given for holidays, they use it for treats like ice creams and presents. We give them spending money as well but they have the responsibility of paying for extras. It's good for them to see how to navigate money and how quickly it can go lol 😆

independentfriend · 31/10/2025 21:22

When she's not having a tantrum worth exploring what's going on for her - has anybody ever taken money away and not returned it to her? Or told her silly stories? Hiding money under the pillow seems to have been learned for a reason.

JoBrandsCleaner · 01/11/2025 10:04

I think the money isn’t the biggest problem you have really, (although you mentioned it is to you actually, so should be insisting if she wants special things when you basically haven’t got any, she should use her own) because she should be learning about money by this age, and that when you spend it you haven’t got it any more. But the bigger problem is a kid that age dictating what’s happening and having that attitude towards you. What would she have to do for you to say ‘actually this is what’s happening’.

SharpMintUser · 01/11/2025 12:21

You sound pathetic

CommonAsMucklowe · 01/11/2025 12:37

Weak parenting again. Your dd rules you it seems. Enjoy the teenage years.

Partypants83 · 01/11/2025 21:36

AphroditesSeashell · 30/10/2025 09:22

She's 9. You take the money off her and you put it somewhere safe. If she tantrums, you tell her that she's clearly far too immature to have such a large amount of money and you'll only return it to her when she has calmed down.

Be a parent and set some boundaries fgs

This.
I thought she'd be 5 or something!

oobedobe · 01/11/2025 22:44

My in laws are very generous, with my kids (which is lovely) but it is a lot of money (hundreds of pounds) so often we will just take most of it and put it in their savings account. As they got older they would use half of it as their spending money or I would put it aside for a big expense such as driving lessons. Obviously if they had something they wanted to buy they could, but they are not big shoppers and this worked well for us.

Lollipopsicle · 02/11/2025 10:32

How about you actually take charge - I mean, you're the adult here and are meant to parent, aren't you? Move the money somewhere safe, let her have a tantrum, and don't spend your money on her when you're out just because she wants you to rather than using her own. FGS!

Lollipopsicle · 02/11/2025 10:47

O.k. read your update OP! Well done - at last!! I'm still surprised it took us all telling you to actually be the parent before you decided to do so.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 02/11/2025 11:07

If she was 19 I'd say let her get on with it & deal with the loss, but stop spending uour money on her when she has her own.

But shes 9
You're the parent - parent.

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