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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
Isanyonereallyanonymous · 30/10/2025 10:18

I've seen this advertised on TV, aimed at educating young people on money, could you do this with your DD when emotions aren't so high?
I'd want to know why this is such an issue for her, is it a control thing/IE, she feels it's the only thing she has control of if there's other stuff going on at home or school?
Regardless though, you're the parent and dictating you spend money you don't have on things she wants that are nice to have, not essential, and throwing tantrums, is not on.

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user2848502016 · 30/10/2025 10:18

Stop asking and start telling - that’s what I would do for my DD.
She could keep it in a money box or purse that’s out of the way.
My DDs have hyperjar accounts which are free, they get a cash card and can see their money in the app.
Also you explain that this money is for buying herself a birthday and Christmas present so if there are things she wants she can buy them.

For a Halloween costume if you can’t afford it use something you already have or if she’s not happy with that she uses her own money to buy something (I don’t actually think a 9 year old should have to buy her own costume btw but if you can’t afford it get creative with something you already have)

Elsmum25 · 30/10/2025 10:19

We have a Monzo account and my DD6 gets a free one maybe look into that? It's pink and I can pay when put and about if she doesn't have it and wants something (I do not use my own money for treats she wants!) she has also learnt to save and understand the value of things when deciding if she wants them

tripleginandtonic · 30/10/2025 10:20

Why are you letting your kid tantrum and run rings around you OP. I think you should pay for her Halloween costume but that money needs to be put somewhere safe until it's needed. You are the adult, make sensible ( if initially unpopular) decisions and stick to them.

AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 10:20

You can put it in savings for her. You shouldn't use it to buy her Halloween costume, though, unless her grandmother specifically gave it to her for that purpose. That sort of thing comes out of the household budget.

PinkPonyClubb · 30/10/2025 10:21

Sometimes the kindest advice is the most difficult to hear.

I know you think MN are being unsupportive telling you to parent but this really is the answer. If you DD I’d allowed to control the narrative at this age things are going to get much, much more tricky as she grows and wants more control of other things.

I am a teacher and often have parents come and ask me about their behaviour in school, as parents see tantrums at home, which isn’t a problem because they have rules in school.

Honestly, I am not trying to be unkind to you but you’re your biggest enemy you’re making things harder by not giving her rules. I know they can be tricky to enforce. Stay strong 💪🏻 you have got this. 💙

AliTheMinx · 30/10/2025 10:22

I agree with a PP. You tell DD. Don't ask her. Buy a nice money box for home and put the money in there. For the larger amount, I would let her keep £20 in cash (in a money box) and just pay the rest into her savings account. Don't let DD dictate what to do. You are the adult here.

mindutopia · 30/10/2025 10:23

I’d also be encouraging MIL to consider putting some money in her savings too. And anyone else. You say she has £5 in her savings account. Think of all the money she could have if some of that had been saved over the years. MIL puts £15 a month into our dc’s savings accounts. With Dh and I adding some and some extra birthday money going in, my 7 year old has £1500. Older one has something more like £4000 now. It adds up. It’s about just being a little bit more future oriented and saying no now. Tiny bit of make up and she can make a Halloween costume from old clothes she already has, then she isn’t wasting money on that either.

Ponoka7 · 30/10/2025 10:25

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

If it was obvious why didn't you do it years ago? It is up to us to teach our children how to navigate into adulthood. Money is safest in a bank account, or under your safe keeping, so that's were it goes. You've taught her that screaming works, so it is her go to. It is time.e to start teaching her how precious money is. She'll cover it next year in school, if you are in England. I agree that she shouldn't have to buy her own Halloween costume, but you should have set a budget that you'd spend this week and then she get the extras.

Bluebottlerecycling · 30/10/2025 10:25

Screaming is very unpleasant to listen to. It’s designed to be unpleasant.

Do you always give in when she cries or screams? Because if so, then it’s not to her advantage to ever stop doing it.

I bet she doesn’t scream at a teacher who says “no” to her? Think about why that might be.

You need to grit your teeth and ignore the screaming.

The golden rule of parenting is that you NEVER give in to a tantrum.

Even if you might have been open to persuasion on something as soon as they tantrum that’s it, subject closed and the answer is a categorical “no”.

Babies and toddlers scream to get their own way because they don’t have the skills to articulate what they want or need.

A 9 year old should absolutely have the skills to discuss, negotiate and accept that some times (perhaps even lots of the time) she won’t get her own way.

Children who think that they are in charge of their households aren't happy children. They are anxious and stressed.

You are the parent, you need to take charge.

Otherwise things are only going to get much, much more difficult.

Izzywizzy85 · 30/10/2025 10:25

She’s NINE?!
She wants to use your money instead…I bet she bloody does! I can’t believe you just say “ok” and let her 😂
Screaming tantrums at her age are absolutely ridiculous, but it’s clear why she behaves like that. Little madam. YABU and need to grow a backbone and stop being scared of your nine year old kid.

Coffeeishot · 30/10/2025 10:26

AliceMaforethought · 30/10/2025 10:20

You can put it in savings for her. You shouldn't use it to buy her Halloween costume, though, unless her grandmother specifically gave it to her for that purpose. That sort of thing comes out of the household budget.

I don't think her buying her own costume is unreasonable Halloween is actually optional and not everyone has the household budget for costumes.

PurpleThistle7 · 30/10/2025 10:26

This situation is honestly a mess. You shouldn’t spend money you don’t have. You shouldn’t let your young child be in charge. You shouldn’t be bullied into things by your child. If you don’t have the money why are you spending all half term shopping? If you can’t afford it why are you buying a Halloween costume? Your daughter can spend her own money or be creative.

My kids have some change but anything more than change goes on their debit cards. My 12 year old has hers on her for whatever she wants when she meets up with friends and my 9 year old son has one of us with him if he wants to spend it on lego or whatever. This whole situation is problematic and you need to get control of your finances and hers.

FaceDownInAPuddle · 30/10/2025 10:27

Christ, I have a 9 year old. She wouldn't ever dream of screaming at me about anything. I'm a very lax parent so she's not particularly disciplined. If she doesn't want to spend the money on her treats/stuff then don't spend any of yours.

I'd really investigate why she is screaming at you, this is not how a 9 year old should behave and I've never had this at any age.

user1471538283 · 30/10/2025 10:28

At that age my DS had a savings account and we'd look through it when interest was added so he could see how savings grow. Saving is a valuable lesson.

FlowerUser · 30/10/2025 10:29

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

You can give her a free 10% she can keep under her pillow for fun stuff like stickers and sweets and another immediate 10% for something bigger that won't be gone in five minutes like a toy but she has to say what it is and you hand over the money to her at the till. Save the rest.

AliTheMinx · 30/10/2025 10:30

When GPs give my DS money, it is assumed that I will deal with it. If they put cash in a card, I take it and either put it in his money box or put it into his savings, depending on the amount. If they hand it to him, he gives it to me to take care of. Sometimes they send it directly to.me and I transfer it to his account.

FaceDownInAPuddle · 30/10/2025 10:30

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Well that's a bit of an arsehole response. If you know the obvious and have failed to implement it, or you can't adapt it successfully, then you are failing as a parent. Maybe it's because your communication style sucks.

LittleAlexHornesPocket · 30/10/2025 10:31

So what if she screams? Let her.

If she has learned that screaming means she gets what she wants and you will spend your own money on her, leaving her with money to waste on sweets, then she will scream.

You need to be firm. Tell her if she continues to scream then she will be unable to go shopping etc because only well behaved children can be taken into shops.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2025 10:32

You don't need creative ideas, you need boundaries.
SHE is deciding where to keep over £100 punds even tho you know it's unsafe. SHE is deciding you'll buy her a Halloween costume even tho you can't afford it. SHE has decided you're spending money you don't have all week.

She needs a money box or purse at best to keep it in her room. If your nieces / nephews are taking cash from the house you need to limit where they have access to / move anything valuable/ speak to your siblings
If you can't afford a costume, she doesn't get one / uses her money / you make your own together.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/10/2025 10:32

PashaMinaMio · 30/10/2025 09:32

Who is the parent here?
If she wants anything Halloween, she must buy it with her own money.
Stop being pathetic and parent her. Shes a child.
If you don’t, the coming years will be hellish.
Set some boundaries.

This. In spades. 9 yrs old is far to old for a tantrum. Take the money, put some in a money box that she can have. Put the rest in a bank account for her. Be the parent. Halloween? Meh.

Gall10 · 30/10/2025 10:35

Why do some parents refuse to parent these days? A 9 yr old having a tantrum & expecting you to buy her ‘treats’ when she has her own money under the pillow?
I think the patent and child both need to grow up.

AngelicKaty · 30/10/2025 10:36

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

If it was so "obvious" why did you need to start a thread asking for help?
Still, now you're flouncing off we can see where your 9yr old gets her tantrum tendencies from - and also where she gets her feckless attitude to money from when you would even consider going deeper into your overdraft to buy her a totally unnecessary Halloween costume, which is a luxury you can't afford.

Enigma54 · 30/10/2025 10:39

Take the £120 and get it into a savings account quickly! Let her tantrum. She’s got to learn that money can’t remain under a pillow.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 30/10/2025 10:40

Not many creative things you could do here OP.

Obviously you don't let your 9 yo call the shots so that's good that you've taken it off her. I'd probably get her to choose a nice money box, that she can buy with some of her money, and put some in there - say £5. The rest goes in her savings account or you let her keep some to make a sensible purchase! If anything a 9 yo wants is sensible that is.