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Original poster

MIL, DD and Money

272 replies

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:19

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

OP posts:
BlueandPinkSwan · 30/10/2025 09:42

PashaMinaMio · 30/10/2025 09:32

Who is the parent here?
If she wants anything Halloween, she must buy it with her own money.
Stop being pathetic and parent her. Shes a child.
If you don’t, the coming years will be hellish.
Set some boundaries.

!00% It's not always easy being a parent but sometimes we have to do stuff that upsets our kids for good reason, keep them safe or just because there is a reason which benefits them.
She can tantrum as much as she wants but that money needs to be safe. It's still hers but won't be much longer if it is stolen by a visitor especially if they know where she keeps it.

Hopelesscase32 · 30/10/2025 09:43

Hold on! Who's the parent here? Take the bloody money and put it somewhere properly.
So what she has a tantrum, for goodness sake

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 09:43

Also you dont need to be creative, when they behave like a two year old theyre clearly used to getting their own way by kicking off. Parenting is whats needed, not a snowflake way of getting a peaceful day.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2025 09:43

Sounds like my Nan! She used to sleep with a large envelope containing around 2k in used notes in the 70s.(around 15,500 today)

itsgettingweird · 30/10/2025 09:43

She’s 9.

Why has she been allowed to tantrum and get her own way up until now?

Go in her room and take the money. Hide it. Let her realise why money is kept safe and at least then it’ll go back to her eventually rather than in her cousins pockets!

If she wants something insist she spends her own money.

These tantrums are ridiculous but it’s worth her while because you then stop parenting her.

Moonnstars · 30/10/2025 09:45

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

I am not sure what creative ways you require.
As I said, she is 9 so needs to understand that money has value and things in life cost. My daughter is 9 and knows that if she spends her pocket money/Christmas or birthday money and it is all gone, then she can't spend any more. She does sometimes ask for an advance and sometimes I will allow this (if for something bigger, not just to buy more sweets) but as soon as her pocket money is due she has to repay me.
With birthday/Christmas we usually split the money so that half goes in savings and half is for spending.

In terms of being creative, there was a book NatWest gave away called Billy and the Crocodile. It is young for your childs age but maybe she does need to read it...it goes along the lines of the child Billy wanting to buy a toy crocodile but every time he is given money he spends it on something else that is smaller/cheaper like sweets and ice cream. Eventually he realises that if he saves the money he can buy the toy crocodile. Maybe take a look in charity shops to find it.

Is your daughter young in other ways? Is there any learning difficulties you haven't mentioned?

BlueandPinkSwan · 30/10/2025 09:46

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Creative ways? There was only ever one way to deal with this. What responses were you really expecting from posters on here?
She'll have to get over it, screaming can only last so long as annoying as it is.
She puts a sock in it or there will be consequences.

GarlicBreadStan · 30/10/2025 09:46

ThejoyofNC · 30/10/2025 09:41

Are you serious?

Show quote history

I actually agree here.

It's not a special occasion like a birthday or Christmas, where kidd should still get presents even if they misbehave. It's Halloween. They're not saying that Halloween has to be cancelled for her - just that she won't get a costume.

Blueberry911 · 30/10/2025 09:46

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

There's really no need to be creative, you just be the parent.

BlueMum16 · 30/10/2025 09:47

Glad you read your update that you've taken the money off her

Take her to pay into the bank today.

Anymore tantrums and Halloween is cancelled.

Also don't go overdrawn for a costume. What did she have last year? She sounds completely spoiled.

BuckChuckets · 30/10/2025 09:50

Why did you spend money you say you can't afford on buying her things, because she told told you not to spend her £120?

Starlight1984 · 30/10/2025 09:51

Cookies31 · 30/10/2025 09:37

Omg! I thought mumsnet would give me some creative ways rather than just “be a parent”. I’ve taken it off her btw. There’s still screaming happening as I’m writing this but thank you for stating the obvious.

Creative?! About taking £120 from a 9 year old for safekeeping?! Why do you need to be creative FFS?! 😂

Agix · 30/10/2025 09:52

I mean, did you suggest getting a safe for her to keep it in? Or some kind of lockbox? Or was the only option you gave her "bank"?

childofthe607080s · 30/10/2025 09:54

You created the problem in the first place by giving in to previous tantrums …

snowmichael · 30/10/2025 09:54

GarlicBreadStan · 30/10/2025 09:21

Explain the concept of money to her.

Tell her that her money has gone missing before after people have visited, and that it really needs to be kept in a safe space.

If you move the money and she has a tantrum, let her. Be there for her, explain the boundaries you've put into place, and tell her it's okay to be upset, but let her tantrum. She'll be upset if the money goes missing anyway.

> If you move the money and she has a tantrum, let her
100% this

EuclidianGeometryFan · 30/10/2025 09:55

I would say that instead of a piggy bank to store money in at home, get her a proper grown-up leather purse, to keep a limited amount of notes and coins in, say up to about £20. Store it in an agreed safe place, not in her bedroom where it will get lost. Perhaps a kitchen or hallway drawer?
She can take this purse with her when you go shopping together. Perhaps also get her a handbag to put the purse in when she goes out.

Anything over £20 goes into her savings account.

Allow her to take money out of her savings now and then, if she can tell you a specific thing she wants to buy, otherwise she will think that money put in her savings account is being 'taken off' her and it vanishes. She needs visibility, transparency, and some appropriate level of control.
Make sure she can see the bank/savings statements and teach her how to read them.

Firstsuggestions · 30/10/2025 09:55

Wonder what the root of the behaviour is? Have you asked why? Does she have siblings and a lot of stuff is shared? Has she picked up on household anxiety about money and having some accessible makes her feel safe? Does she feel the money is very grown up and she enjoys that and wants to keep it?

Depending on the why I would respond differently. The money doesnt have to be in a bank. On hobbycraft you can get paint your own money boxes for like 1.50. could you buy one, allow her to decorate it so she feels ownership and it lives in a special secret place that she can access if she wants?

Could you give her tokens that present money? In the works they have 'jewels' very shiny and pretty and they could each represent a value. She can keep the jewels under her pillow and swap them for the real money when she wants.

If its about being a grown up, could you take her to open up a bank account so she understands the process and feels very grown up having it in her name and then go hunting for a purse she can keep her cards and change in?

Catsinaflat · 30/10/2025 09:56

I wonder why she feels the need to keep money under her pillow despite it going missing before. Have you asked her?
Maybe instead she could have a lock box that you both hide somewhere and she gets to keep the key in a pouch under her pillow. (You also have a key just in case).
Get her a little notebook that she can write her spends in. When you go out together to buy costume tell her you will pay a nominal amount towards it and she pays the rest. That way she learns to budget.

Agapornis · 30/10/2025 09:57

Sounds like you could both do with some money management education...

Spend some of her money on a piggy bank.

ShesTheAlbatross · 30/10/2025 09:58

At that age I don’t know why she’d ever have physical possession of that much cash. I just wouldn’t give it to her. It would absolutely be hers, and I’d help her keep track of it, and wouldn’t insist she saved it if she wanted to spend it. But there’s just no way she’d ever take £120 cash to her bedroom.

Waterbaby41 · 30/10/2025 09:58

Do you ever say no to DD?

IggyAce · 30/10/2025 09:59

Sorry a tantrum at 9, you sound like a complete wet blanket of a parent. Let her tantrum but be a parent and put the money somewhere safe.
If this continues you are going to go thru hell during the teenage years.
Honestly it sounds like she rules the roost.

Showerflowers · 30/10/2025 09:59

Buy her a little lock box that people use for petty cash?

Millionaura · 30/10/2025 10:03

Savings Account -£100
Spending - £20
Halloween costume from last year (you can’t afford a new one) or she uses her £20.

Money box/ nice tin / purse for Christmas to help her get organised.

SheinIsShite · 30/10/2025 10:03

At the age of 9 she is old enough to understand what a bank account is and the concept of saving up for something. Or one of those piggy banks which cannot easily be opened.

Tantrums and her ruling the roost by not "letting you" at 9 are unacceptable behaviour.

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