MIL, DD and Money

[Cookies31]

MIL gives DD Money for birthdays and other celebrations usually a small amount which DD spends all on sweets and mostly just loses it. She keeps under her pillow and doesn’t let me move it, once or twice it’s gone missing when cousins are around! She goes hysterical when I try to move it so I just leave it. This year MIL has given her birthday money and Xmas money together and it’s a ridiculous amount - £120!!! DD has had it for 2 weeks and no intention of spending just wants to keep under pillow again. I’ve suggested we put into her savings account but she started screaming and me telling me she knows what she wants to go with it. All half term I’ve taken her shopping but she wants to use my money rather than her money that’s sitting under pillow. We’re not exactly rich and £120 is a lot we could do but I’m letting her decide what to do . Tomorrow is Halloween and friends and family are coming over , I’ve asked her to move to a safer place rather than under pillow but she’s having a tantrum again, I don’t know what to do, she could spend it on things she really needs or put in the bank to keep safe but she’s not listening, we’re going Halloween shopping now and she’s not going to use her money on a costume so I’ll have to fork out even though I’m overdrawn. If she puts in the bank we know it’s safe and she can spend on things that she really wants at a later time. She’s 9 years old.she has a savings account with about £5 in at the moment.

What you CAN do is stop giving in to a 9 year old having a tantrum
Parent the fuck up

Huh? YOU are the parent and get to decide, not her! Why are you letting her rule the roost and walk all over you?

So you say - Jessica. Stop screaming. You are 9 years old and behaving like a toddler. The money is going into your savings account and I am not talking about this any more.

You are getting a hard time OP because the answer is so bleeding obvious.

OP's already told us she's overdrawn so will be using household money - that she doesn't have - to buy a Halloween costume for her daughter. Are you serious that OP shouldn't explain to her DD that sometimes money runs out and she can't have a costume this year unless she wants it so badly that she spends her own money on it? Wouldn't this be a good life (and finance) lesson for her DD?

FFS. Take the money and tough shit.

My kids can tantrum all they like I don’t give a shit, they do as they’re told.

No way would I put up with that nonsense.

Have you thought about a bank card for her?

dd has a rooster account with a card that is much easier than having cash, I think it’s £2 a month fee but if you bank with NatWest they are free

What's with the screaming, seriously? Is there something up with her? Or has she just learned that it works and she'll get her own way? Either way, she needs help to stop doing that because that's the real issue not this money thing, which you can sort by overruling her and managing her funds until she's more mature.

I wouldn’t be allowing £120 to stay under the pillow with a group of kids coming. She either gives the money for safe keeping or no party. I’d tell MIL to put money into her bank account to save this problem and its a no to spending things with your money. Sometimes kids have tantrums, but giving it to it and trying to avoid a kick off leads to more problems, like you’re now facing. She doesn’t get to keep money under her pillow if it’s going missing. I’d just say no more money full stop if its causing this kind of drama.

Who taught her to keep money under her pillow to start with??

Of course you can tell her what to do, and if she throws a tantrum at 9 there must be consequences!

I also don’t get your point about you having to spend money as she doesn’t want to spend hers. Just buy whatever you are happy to buy for her and she can use her money if she wants something else. If you usually buy a Halloween costume, you shouldn’t not buy one because you want her to use the gifted money instead.

These type of things really grates on me when I read them. Basically your child is deciding and you have taught her that tantrumming leads to her getting her way when it comes to this issue? Just take the money off her and put it somewhere safe and tell her when she wants to buy something you will give it to her. Or better yet give your MIL your child's savings account and tell her to transfer the money there and that's that. I really don't understand how this is a problem that hasn't been resolved yet.

I'd start by 'telling' her to put the money somewhere safe, not 'asking' her!! She is 9 - she does what she is told to!

I'm a bit confused, why are you buying her things that she could use her money for? If she doesn't want to use her money that's fine, that means she doesn't get the things.

To be honest I'd just take the money and put it in her bank.

This is terrible parenting.

You are the grown-up. Stop letting a child dictate what happens in your house.

If she has a tantrum, she loses the money. Would that make her stop?

Do you want posters to blame your Mil op is that what you were after ?

There's not really a creative way to stop your child having a tantrum if that was the goal here. Sometimes stuff just needs to happen and if there's tantrums and screaming you let them crack on with it. Hold firm and once they realise you're not giving in they'll stop. Or they'll wear themselves out but either way the screaming does not result in you giving in.

You pick your battles, and her stuffing 120 quid down her bed is a battle you need to win. Put it into a kids account and she can put the bank card under her pillow once the Halloween visit is over.

It doesn’t matter if she screams. I’m not a disciplinarian but sometimes you have to take a no-nonsense approach and not let the ridiculous behaviour take hold.

You’re the parent. So what if she has a tantrum. Seems a lot like the tail wagging the dog here. Also as a side issue, I am by no means a clean freak but money is one of the dirtiest things around. It’s not ideal for it to be under her pillow. I think you need to nip that in the bud.

I think you need to try and work out where this idea of keeping money under her pillow came from @Cookies31 because this idea came from somewhere.
I would guess from Mil? Has she said "this is for you, save it under your pillow for when you need it" or similar?
But regardless of where the idea came from, you probably need to get your Mil on board to get your DD to change her mind. Mil needs to tell her how putting it under her pillow is a very bad idea, pointing out previous missing money etc. I think that Mil is the key here to bringing DD around to a different way of thinking about the money. Also when out just refuse to buy anything frivolous and tell her you have money, you need to remember to bring it
Have you thought about something like a Go Henry account or a simple child account with a debit card?

HTH x

Does she have a bank account to put the money into?

@Cookies31 good news, this is one of the easiest solutions to an issue I've seen on Mumsnet.

Because she's 9 and you are the parent, you recognize she doesn't have the capacity to make the right choice here and you put £110 in her bank account and make sure you get a statement showing that's where it is. Then you have a few options:

1. You allow her to keep £10 under her pillow with the clear understanding it isn't safe there and if it goes missing it won't be replaced, nor will you pay for what she would have bought with it. You reminder her of this before they arrive and give her the option of putting it away somewhere safe. If she doesn't, this is part of learning natural consequences.

2. You put the money aside in her account as above, and you order her a small money box. You can get them for a few pounds. Get the type with a code and teach her how to keep her money safe. I purchased a small one somewhat recently for £5. It has a 3 digit code. Only you and daughter know the code. You could say the £10 will be kept safe until the money box arrives and put it somewhere the cousins won't get it. Show her what you've ordered and how this means she can keep small amounts under her pillow in a safe way.

She is showing you with her actions she doesn't have the maturity yet to make the right choice. The tantrums and refusal to put money somewhere safe are evidence of this. This makes it so very easy, you simply be the parent she needs. Parenting is not a popularity contest!

Good luck!

Re-read what you have written and decide who is the parent here!

"DD, I do not have any spare money so cannot afford to buy you a Halloween costume. You will have to make your own or buy one with your own money if you want one".

"DD, if you leave your money under the pillow, it might get lost or stolen, and I will NOT be replacing it. Would you like it in the bank or in this purse?".

If you don't have any authority over your child and back down every time she has a tantrum she will grow up into a spoilt brat.

If she wants to have a tantrum, then let her. Make it clear the consequences of her silly childish behaviour.

My DD is 9, suspected ADHD etc etc and has tantrums over the most random of stuff.

I get it you do things for an easy life sometimes. But I also draw the line especially when I see an opportunity.

She wants something - Halloween costume.
You want her do something - put her money somewhere safe and use it on things instead of your money.

Tell her no costume and no Halloween if she doesn't put her money away. And stick to it!!
It's fucking hard and I hate having to parent like that but sometimes you just have to. She's not 4, she needs to understand that parents know best (most of the time).
Usually if it's something DD really wants she will do as she's been asked. But occasionally I have had to follow through on threats.

In a few days when she's calm, try and sit her down and talk to her about what it is about money being under her pillow feels secure to her.

You need to take it off her and put it somewhere safe especially if it gets nicked by her cousins. She's 9, she can be hysterical and throw a tantrum. I'm a very relaxed parent but there's no way I'd be accepting this behaviour from my 9 year old. If she wants something special from the shops you use her money or she doesn't get it. She needs to learn the concept of money, it's a life skill. You're her parent, parent her.

But surely she’s had 9 years of birthdays for you to tackle this. My dc have never gotten to just keep any birthday money. It goes away in the cupboard in a safe spot until we plan a trip out to spend it on something. No tantrums because we set healthy boundaries from the start. It does not get easier after 9, let me tell you, so nip this in the bud now. Put the money somewhere safe. No asking. Just do it. Plan a day to and spend it (not all of it!) so she can buy something she enjoys.

Same reason they usually do; she's learnt it works. She's got mum very well trained.

OP, get a little purse, put her cash in there and keep it in your handbag. When you're out and about, if she wants to buy something, show her you're paying for it out of that. Maybe have a little notebook and record what money goes on what. You could tot it up at the end of the year - maybe if she sees that half of it went on sweets or whatever she'll start to see the point of saving for things she wants that are more lasting.